Notes From the Neighborhood – The Light of Two Candles

Sit with me. Just for a second.
The sun will be up soon and I don’t want to miss this. I don’t want to miss the first light.
I don’t want to miss another morning, at least not right now.

It’s beautiful out. The wind is cool but nice on the skin. It’s not cold by any means but the wild nature of the summer heat has vanished from the air.
And there’s things to miss about this. And there are things to look forward to.
Always.

I swear . . . .
I love this time of day. I love the early morning and the beginning when the sun is the only thing to catch my eye – aside from you, of course.
The new day approaches and if we play this right, we can escape the brawls of our sorry madness.
I see this as the morning’s promise that hope is on the rise.
The sun comes in to say goodnight to the moon and the sky takes the change, like old coworkers who pass the keys as they change shifts. To me, I see the arrival of morning like my dearest, Mother Earth, coming up with an answer to all of our riddles. As if to say, “Don’t worry. I promise to give you another shot.”
And she does . . .

But there certainly are a lot of them. Aren’t there?
Riddles, I mean.
And shots too. We have another one right now. It’s right here in my hand, extended outwards to you.
It’s here in my heart and here in my words for everyone to see.

This is a beautiful place to be . . .
New York City.
Did you know that you and I made this place what it is?
Well, I can say this is true in my eyes.
I have grown here. I have been a part of this place and been a cog in this great big wheel which keeps turning and turning.
I have my hopes though, that someday, it’ll be us somewhere south, retired, by the beach.

I saw a cartoon this morning. And maybe this is a viral thing. Maybe everyone’s seen this already.
Maybe this hit me at the right time and this is why I noticed the cartoon, long enough to watch until the end.
The cartoon was two humanized candlesticks. One is male and the other is female. They connect and they light at the same time and as they age, the two dwindle down and burn throughout their lifespan together. They do this until, unfortunately and eventually, the female candle burned out and the male – well – he just lost his flame. 
I can understand that –

See, I understand what loss is.
I understand what happens when the calls stop or the texts go away.
I can understand what it’s like to sit in an empty room and think to myself, “What have I done” or “Where is she?”

I believe I knew you even before I met you. I knew who you were before you were ever introduced to me.
Yet, I fumbled and I fell. I misspoke and mishandled my decisions. I messed up yet I never quit because no matter what happened in my life, I have earned the right to stand here today, to watch the sun come up over my City. They say this is the City that never sleeps which is sort of like me, sleepless as always, yet I know that I have love in my heart. I know that I have breath in my lungs and desire in my soul.

I know that I cannot fix what is out of my control. No, this is beyond me.
But I can sit here with you, her. Figuratively speaking, of course. 

I can close my eyes and see your face. I can think about the smell and the feel of your skin.
I can think about the flicker of a candle and how the dim hue of its yellow and orange light graces the side of your face to compliment your silhouette in the middle of the night. 

There is something about you that compliments me. Even though our past was not always a compliment nor was life complimentary to us and our timing, still – I have you in my heart.
Forever.
But hey, time is only time.
And so, I’ll wait.

I know that in my heart, there is a place for me. I know that somewhere down this hopefully long and crazy road, there’s a place where you and I will connect.
And I will grow old with you and be there for you until my light goes out.
(Just like the candles) 

I am about to close this journal tomorrow morning. I’ll do this because it’s time.
I am not closing this with grief nor with a mournful attitude because, to me, nothing like us could ever die.
To me, it is impossible for a chemistry like ours to be an accident.
In my eyes, or in my heart, it is not possible that two people can be brought together, even through trauma and turmoil, havoc and chaos, and still be connected. 
Moreover, I know that there are no accidents, at least not like ours.

I am going to bring you with me, wherever I go. No matter what. 
Wherever I go now, or more importantly, when I go down to Chimayo and find my way to the church called El Santuario De Chimayo, and as I make my way from the airport in Albuquerque, I am only going as a scout. I am making this trip because in my heart and with all of my hope, I am going so that when the time comes and it’s our turn to light each other’s way, I can show you what I’ve found. Therefore, I can share the rest of my life with you. No matter what, until my light dwindles down.

But please, don’t worry.
I know exactly who you are.
I know why you’re here.
At the same time, I know why you’re not sitting next to me, as in right now, beside me and with me.

Then again, this is why I have created this little space in my head.
I come here to see you every day.
I come to light the way, so that I can see clearly and find my way.

There is nothing perfect about me. But what I have is all yours.
It always has been. It always will be. And this will be so until my light goes out.
But if you ask me, my light is my love and, therefore, my light will never die.
Instead, I will always burn on for you –

eternally