And so it was. Or at least so it used to be.
Maybe it is and always will be but either way, today marks another year and another trip around the sun.
To be more clear, today marks the 51st year of my life.
So?
What have I done?
Any questions?

Do I have needs?
Sure, I have needs.

I have them every day. I have thoughts and visions.
I have wants and desires and, of course, I have requests and ideas. At the same time, I have the ability to understand that my needs and desires are special.
Therefore, they can only be shared with someone special. Else they’ll only be shallow or unfulfilled and the love I have would only be left wanting and so would be my love – unsatisfied.

I was asked about my writing the other day. . .
I was asked, “What do you write about?” 

Is this self-help? I was asked if this is about mental health or if this is simple prose and to me, I can say that maybe my writing is all of the above. Maybe it’s none of the above.
Maybe it would be best to describe this as self-exploratory and, for the moment, my writing is nothing more than a stream of honest thoughts and ideas, assumptions and views or visions for my future. I can say that yes, maybe I am a prose writer. Maybe I am unconventional or “raw” or untrained and maybe it’s true that my style and my choice of topics are not for everyone.
And, so?

What is a word without anything behind it?
What is a letter? What is a number, as in a number of years or an anniversary without the depth of something behind it?
I am learning now. Perhaps this is because I have no choice. Maybe I’m learning because in the case of my new life and the next few chapters, at least until this story closes, I am facing my truths and the reactions to my choices.

I believe in what I am doing. However, I also believe that when it comes to matters like this and when we are dealing with matters of the heart or when it comes to true love and our search for the ever-elusive happily ever after; I know there is no easy way or easy path.
No, this is a fight. This is not supposed to be easy because if it were so easy to find love and live happily ever after, would we know how valuable it is?

There’s a song that comes to mind. And this is a good song. It’s a happy song and a song that comes from when I was younger and trying to be free. I would hear this song when I was somewhat “away” yet, there was a piece of me that was looking to get away, as best as I could.
This is a little song about Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. I have this song in mind because yes, I am facing a new threshold. I am also looking to defy certain anxieties and old phobias. But also, I am on a constant move to be better and to break the hold, which has kept me stuck for way too long.
More than anything, I am ridding myself of old cobwebs and freeing myself up to explore; yet even more than this, I am not stepping out of my comfort zone.
Instead, I am reconstructing this. So, as the signs say around places that undergo renovations, please pardon the appearance.

I know there’s something here. I know that there’s something that I need to see or need to take notice of. It is early, as usual. I am awake and sipping my first few sips of my morning coffee. I am separating myself as a means of positive detachment which is not to say that I am detached or, by any means, is not to say that I have sunken to grief or given my hopes towards the end-all-be-all goal of a life that moves into my happily ever after.
No –

The problem is confidence. Yes, that’s it . . .
Then again, if the problem is our confidence then the solution is also confidence.
So to be fair, the problem lies in-between. If this is so, then the question becomes how do we build this? How do we resecure our footing so that we can take a step and move forward at a gradual and incremental basis?

Better yet, how do we restore this?
Our confidence, I mean.

And so it goes . . .
Right?
And so this is what happens with any change or with any moment of realization. This is what comes upon us when we open our eyes, or with any so-called bottom that we hit, we have to come to an understanding or an acceptance of “What is,” which is either unalterable or beyond our control.
We have to address the bottom that we’ve hit. As if to say, “Okay, I guess this is it.” Or, “This is what’s happening” and at the same time, this doesn’t mean we have to like it. This doesn’t mean we agree with what’s happening. All this means is we understand where we’re at.
And that’s me –

I can’t say it was always like this. I can’t say that I always saw clearly or even if I see things clearly now, I can’t say that I see anything clearly enough to call it all obvious. I can’t say that I understand the process of how life works or why life happens the way it does. I know that I have been telling you about fate and my love and the connection between the two. I see signs. As in, all the time. As in every direction I turn, there’s a memory or a hint of some kind as if this is a finger that’s pointing me towards a direction. And so . . .
When it comes to my list of mishaps and my list of accomplishments as well as my list of items that I need to prepare for and overcome; I’m not positive whether I spent too much time treating symptoms or perhaps I spent too much time focusing on problems instead of defining my solutions.
Maybe I needed to come to this understanding. This way, I can learn to stop treating the heart attacks AFTER they happen.