I remember the time I read about a day lived by Robert Fulghum. He said there was one day in his life that he wished he could relive, exactly as it was without any changes.
I read Fulghum’s words in his book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” because the book was at The Old Man’s bedside when he was in the hospital way back in December of 1989.
The Old Man was at the end of his life and I was at the beginning of mine. However, I am at a turning point in my life now and looking back, I have discovered some incredible oversights and missed opportunities which I see glaring at me as if to have missed the obvious because I have hindsight. And hindsight is perfect.
Hindsight is perfect because hindsight means to have a perfect understanding of a situation “after” it happened.
Hence the words, “Lesson learned.”
I have learned. Absolutely, I have.
I’ve learned consecutively and continuously but sometimes, I learn slowly or I forget. Sometimes, lessons like this can be costly.
They can lead us to losses that can be unrecoverable and that’s when we learn.
This is when our eyes open.
I can say that at times either my retention is poor or my stubbornness gets in my way.
But this only makes me human.
Fortunately, age steps in and teaches us new tricks.
I can say this for sure. I can also say that I’ve learned a new trick or two.
I can say that after figuratively banging my head against the wall, countless times, I learned to stop the headaches by not banging my head anymore.
Understand? I stopped falling down the same holes by walking elsewhere and changing my direction.
I think that yes, to each his own is a true statement.
However, I also think that we all learn at our own pace. At some point or another, something clicks. “We wake up (maybe).”
Finally, we remember the lessons or we come to that “ah-ha!” moment so that we stop repeating our past.
I believe this.
However, I am looking back now so that if given the chance or if allowed, to love or be loved, or if I am allowed a moment between the sheets, so intimate and true, and should the love gods smile upon me and grant my wish to love wholeheartedly, limitless and boundless, unafraid, and completely; then I will retain my so-called title as a “Your Lover ” and be the best lover that my heart and body allows.
So then . . .
In answer to the question has there ever been a moment in my life that I would like to relive again, exactly as it was?
I’m not sure.
I can say there are moments and places and memories of mine that, should the fates allow, like to walk the beach near a place known as 100 Lincoln Road, I know that my response will be more in-tune and different from say, whatever took place during my previous chances.
I want to love; but more, I want to love perfectly.
I want the chance to find my place in the circle and create a special place for myself in this world.
I would like to revisit a meal that I remember. I was well-dressed and looked good.
There’s an afternoon I recall, by the sound, when the snappers were running and schools of bluefish crowded near the hotel’s marina.
The fish were swimming in angry swarms, searching for food and so hungry that some were biting each other.
I also recall a night in the City when I looked around at all that was happening.
It was a business function.
I noticed my achievements and I knew that this did not come to me alone.
No, I had help and as my eyes peered and scanned around the room, there was a smile that marked my satisfaction and inspired me to a moment of joy.
Ah, but wait . . .
There’s an afternoon I recall in Los Angeles, walking along the piers and watching a pair of dolphins swim between the docks.
They looked so happy, like two kids on a playdate.
Maybe that’s what I felt like –
like a kid on a playdate.
I could use a day like that again.
I am recompiling my list of favorites and searching for the ingredients to master the art of being happy.
Now is the time to act.
Now is the time to create the necessary movements that will take me to places I want to be.
I understand that life comes with ups and downs and that no one can be happy forever.
But overall, my understanding is that happy people have sad moments too.
The difference is they’ve learned how to let their joy outweigh their sadness.
That’s what I want to do.
I want to create more days that are so perfect that if given the chance, I would want to live them again, exactly as they were without any changes.
And now, of course, some of these moments will be shared with someone special. Some of these moments will be quiet and intimate or lit by candles and resulting in two bodies beneath the sheets.
Some of these moments will be louder or more musical and yes, we can dance and sing.
I want to see more shows and see more places.
I want my list to be long. I want my list of accomplishments to be long as well, which is not to say that this has to be costly or expensive.
There are some incredible things we can explore that come with literally no cost at all.
It will only cost us time if we fail to take advantage – at least I think so.
I can say that some of my most precious moments in life were free.
It’s more of a mindset than anything else.
Therefore, I have to change the way I see things. I have to re-budget myself.
I am in training.
And my training is as follows:
Each morning, I will wake up and as I touch the bottoms of my feet to the floor, I can do one of two things.
I can lament. I can complain.
I can be tired and pissed off.
I can either walk in the same footsteps as my past. Or, I can allow myself to walk in a new direction.
I can occupy my mind with new thoughts and new ideas. Or, if misery is my thing, I am certainly welcome to relive old regrets.
I can rehash old arguments and I can complain about what happened or be mad or feel the surge of rejection.
I can do this all day if I’d like to.
But what does this do for me?
How does this help me achieve my dreams or cross off the items on my bucket list?
It was a suggestion that I see the Grand Canyon.
And maybe I’ll go.
Maybe . . .
Or maybe there’s a place in Maine that I’d like to see.
Or there’s a spot down at the east end of Long Island and a town called Montauk.
Maybe I can take a long drive to nowhere and allow this trip to be everything it should be. . .
I can tell you that while I was on my own during a previous trip, I found myself driving down a long stretch of empty road. I could see the mountains ahead of me, tall as ever, rocky, and beautiful.
New Mexico is a pretty place. I can say that.
But there was a part of the drive where I looked around and saw nothing but land. There were no interruptions. There was nothing that could have poisoned or disrupted the scenery.
I had the top down in a rental car. I had the wind blowing through my hair and my laptop in a bag beside me in the passenger seat.
Now, although the car was not red, which was fine – I crossed an item off my list.
I did a thing, or so people say.
But more, I removed a notch from the belt of regret and added one to the list of my accomplishments.
I have no words that can explain the views that I saw nor can I explain the wealth of emotion which took place.
However, I see the world is in front of me now.
I see that I have to re-enter my personal training and train myself to live more or to go, be and do more.
I mentioned in a previous paragraph about the morning and placing the bottoms of my feet on the floor. I mentioned the direction I choose,
There’s a choice we make. We make this every day.
Happy. Or sad.
Live. Or exist.
I cannot stop the world from happening around me.
But I can choose to handle my business and act accordingly.
I’m not sure where my next trip will take me.
I don’t know who will be there or where I’ll go.
But I do know that wherever it is –
I will be sure to cross another item off of my list to further build my list of achievements and further reduce my list of regrets.
Someone once told me about a yacht that was named Y.O.L.O.
You Only Live Once.
I agree.
There is no sequel.
But I do live once –
Each day
And that’s my item for today. This is the item I want to achieve today because regardless of what happens, I can’t allow unwanted terms to dictate or determine my happiness.
Y.O.L.O.
So, as the bottoms of my feet take me to where I want to be –
The more I live, the more I’ll create days that I’ll want to remember exactly as they are without wishing to change a thing.
Hey Pop . . .
I managed to follow in your footsteps.
However, some of the steps are not so fitting for me anymore.
I think you’d be proud that I realized this –
Like I said, you read Fulghum’s words at the end of your life.
I found them at the beginning of mine.
So, then let my life begin.
Sleep well, Old Man.
I miss you
By the way, I’ll see you soon.
I can hear Point Lookout calling my name.
Maybe I’ll bring someone with me this time.
I know you’d love to meet her.
The Written Addiction 