Prose from the Bucket List – What Has to Happen?

Before I step forward, I need to express my gratitude. I also need to express that this project, or this journal of mine, has been inspired by the drive and the need to live.
This is all about three very big and special words: Go, Be and Do.
Also, this is written with regard and respect for those who have either dared to create or those who have inspired me because, to me, this is the light and this is the way.
I want to start of with something I saw not too long ago.
I remember how this opened my eyes –
Be brave enough to suck at something new
What a great idea.

I can remember the first time I read this and like I just mentioned, this wasn’t too long ago.
At the same time, there are days when yesterday can seem like a lifetime ago.
But that’s not my point.

Be brave enough to suck at something new.

What’s new?
What’s out of my comfort zone?
What has to happen to dare the edges of a life that is otherwise unknown to me?
Better yet, and to keep this as simple as possible, what has to happen to make a small change?
I ask because if I do this, then I also have to ask, what needs to take place to keep me going at this, each day, and continue this for the rest of my life?
I say this because if I do this once, my next question becomes what has to happen for me to keep this going on days when my mood is low?
If my mood is low, what can I do to keep my perspective as in consecutively and continuously for the rest of my life?

It is unhelpful to remain as we were in the past or to be stuck in some kind of quasi-state of living.
This is not living at all.
This only existing which is only living like a dying leaf that fell atop of a moving stream, lifelessly going wherever the stream ends or flows or possibly expelling itself into a lake or the sea and being nothing else but decomposed and without memory.
It is lifeless to live this way or to simply exist, or to sit and watch or be witness . . .
that type of life is nothing but being present yet uninvolved.
That kind of life is as if to be aware and unaware at the same time.
This means life is not being lived – instead, life is only happening. 

Be brave enough to suck at something new.
Be brave enough to try something.
Love someone.
Show them your heart.
Be brave enough not to crucify yourself for not being great at something, right out of the starting gate.
Be brave enough to give yourself the chance to mature, improve and to invest more time before you try and perfect your craft.
Be brave enough to forgive yourself and your past and your trespasses; and be brave enough to say goodbye, be brave enough to say hello, and be brave enough to introduce yourself to a brand new life, each and every day, because this way nothing will ever get old – including us.

It is of no consequence to let go or to say goodbye to the unwanted catastrophes from our past or the list of mistakes.
It is of no risk to let yourself grow and be and blossom into a new form of living.

Try . . .
Do something different – even if this is just for today.

This is more than a bucket list item.
No, this is a personal call to arms.
This is more than a commitment.
This is a mission statement.

This is life, right here, calling out to us and rising upwards from the so-called ashes of any wreckage or unfortunate or regrettable yesterday. This is today.
Hence, this leads me up to the reason for my inspiration.

I have been going over my thoughts and ideas.
This is something that links me back to a time when I would walk down 7th and pass the playhouse where the show RENT would play.
I thought about a hero of mine, the writer, the man who didn’t live to see his opening night.
Mr. Larson . . .
I am talking to you now.
I’m thinking about a lyric in your musical.
“No day but today!”

I am thinking about the way you defined the span of one year as if to call this out as 525,600 minutes –
“How do you define one year of your life?”

You pose some valid questions on this.
If it’s not too much trouble, I would like to add my thoughts here and share them outwardly. 

How do I measure year?
How do I measure my life?
In mistakes?
With regrets?
Or, as you (Mr. Larson) explained, “What about love?”

Be brave enough to suck at something new.
Be brave enough to show someone your heart.
Be brave enough to let yourself be free and vulnerable

I think of the morning sunrise and the way the sky changes and the easy breeze that comes when the autumn months decide to show themselves.
I’m thinking about the canopy of trees alongside the road and how the colors of the leaves change and the aromas of fireplaces somehow exudes a special glow of warmth.
I’m thinking about the way families gather and the way people interact or share a meal with one another.

I’m thinking this is a great way to measure a year of my life.
I want to be more than sufficient. I want to be more than enough.
I want to be more than who I was or who I am yet all of this is perfect because who I am now is this –
I am a man, holding his heart in his hand, humbled by life and by love, and truthfully – I
want to measure a year in my life through measures of growth in leaps and bounds.
I want to be more than daylight or sunlight or the evening hours or the afterhours.
I want to be more than bills and a job or a job title and a job description.

I want to be more than me and/or more than a definition which is either set by me or predicted by someone else.
I want to be more.
I want to be brave enough to suck at something new.

I want to do silly things like go to a restaurant that I heard about or eat at some small dive, just because I read a story about it or saw something about this place on television.
I want to take up a new hobby or do something that I have never done before, like ice fishing or something like that.
I have heard beautiful things about Canada yet I have never seen what the sunsets look like from Ontario.
But the day is young and essentially – so am I.
However, I am not getting any younger.
But I plan to be younger tomorrow.

Either way –
here I am, right where I’ve always been, which is fine.
I am sitting in the same seat and about to change into my daily uniform so that I can earn my daily bread.
And that’s fine.
No really, this is more than fine because if I choose, today can be a starting point for both of us.
All it takes is the courage to springboard from this platform and to jump high.
We can leap from this pattern which we call “today” and the rest of our life can be beyond measure.

See . . .
My biggest fear is that I will either leave too many stones unturned or that I will miss my so-called opening night.
Just like you did, Mr. Larson.
Another fear of mine is that I will never gain enough momentum to achieve my best life.
Or worse, that I will only retreat or submit and otherwise; this means I will go back to simply existing instead of living.

I can say that all of this comes with emotion and feelings and thoughts and Ideas.
I can say that bravery has nothing to do with fear itself. I can also say that bravery does not mean fear does not exist.
No. Let’s be clear – I am afraid.
But to be brave means to go forward, regardless of fear.

This means to take a shot.
This means to give life a chance.
This means to rise about the principle that we can only rise to reach the level of our own limitations.
Let’s face it – we’ve all been limited enough.

Let’s be clear – life can change at any given moment.
We live in tumultuous times.
In fact, at the time of my writing, there is currently a new war taking place on the other side of the globe.
There are people dying. The City is on high-alert.
There are bombs exploding over someone’s house somewhere.
To top it off –
There are people threatening to end the world with a big bomb and one hell of a big send off by ending our civilization in a blaze of so-called glory.

525,600 minutes.
Isn’t that right, Mr. Larson?
How will I measure a year of my life?
What will I do from this point onward?
If given the chance or if I am allowed a moment of clarity – and should this be given so that I am to be aware or to improve to an ultimate level of awareness, consciousness and understanding; what will I do with this?
What would I do if given the green light?
If I have the world now or if I had the world to give, or if I had the world to share; what would I do, who would I give this to and how would I share this?

What about love?
What about family?
What about simple things like the most honest and sincere form of charity of all?
And that’s time, by the way. There is no donation more charitable than your time.

What about the simple moments of talking to someone?
What about being a true friend?
What about giving one’s self, just because this is a reflection of goodness and humility?

I told you the other day about one of my Favorite Poems by Jim Carroll.
Carroll wrote –
Little kids shoot marbles
where the branches beak the sun
into graceful shafts of light . . .
I just want to be pure

I want to be pure too.
But, how will I measure the rest of my life?
With journals?
With chapters?
With poems?
With love?
With hope?
How about with talks and chances to share my life with an open heart?

Or . . .
I will measure my life with the understanding that love is real and that love exists and that, yes, I don’t care what color skin you have, who you pray to, where you come from, or what your beliefs are – your life and your love is perfect and beautiful.

What about love?
What about friendship?
What about peace?
(At least between us.)

I am at the fold of a new day and here I go.
I am about to walk into a new form of existence but before I do, yes, I have items on a list which need to be achieved.

And you, my friend Earnest . . . .
This one’s for you, my man.

See? I understand what it means to “think” I am alone or believe that there’s no one out there or that no one cares.
But I was wrong about this and you have shown me that I am wrong.
There is love. There is friendship and there is brotherhood.

But as for my love – yes, I know she is real.
I know that in time, I will have my place in the sun because above all that has happened both to me and for me –
I have not surrendered nor given up.

Jonathan Larson –
Thank you.
You have no idea what your creation has done for so many people. I might not know what I have done either – but you . . .
You sir,
You have inspired life and a season of love.

With all of my heart,
Thank you
B –