I threw off my schedule this morning.
I lost my head for a second and to me, it seemed as though I lost my way –
Well . . . at least for a little while.
I didn’t have my computer handy which is like asking a left-hander to go right.
I say this because my routine is everything to me.
It’s the glue to my sanity.
So, I went back to the old faithful.
Essentially, I went from digital to analog – or, in other words, I went back to the stone ages which means I took to a pen and paper. Remember them?
Do you remember writing notes to people? How about letters – long, lengthy or meaningful letters – we used to write them, no?
Either way, I had to go back to that old familiar friend of mine, the pad and my pen, just to get that feeling back. You know the one?
It’s that feeling that comes when you have a thought or an idea, so big or huge that you just have to write it down. That’s the feeling that I’m talking about.
It’s the flow that takes place when your mind is on a mission and the feeling that comes when you find the satisfaction which comes when the ballpoint rolls against the face of an empty page.
Until you fill it –
I admit the process is slower and different but ah, the feelings returned.
And I remember – maybe you do too.
It’s like the days when I worked on 3rd and 52nd – I call these the 909 days.
I was reminded though – this was me once and ah; just like that, the feelings returned and the memories of me as a kid, scratching my notes in a notebook with hopes or ideas that maybe someday – I might tell someone about this dream I have.
To write, I mean.
To really do this –
and never look back.
I went back to my old trick.
A pen and paper – remember them?
Technology is everything now, so to go back to the stone age before texting and cell phones became the norm, was slower, yes, and a bit more intimate for sure.
I like my keyboard though. I like the sound my fingers make when I punch the keys and type this to you.
However, the feel of the ballpoint on the page reminded me of a time before the status-whore lifestyles took over – I cared less back then, about the critics, I mean.
Then again, I never faced the critics because I never dared to uncover my dreams
(in fear they might be ruined).
But hey, a commitment to write is a commitment to write.
So?
And so it goes.
So it evolves.
It happens. Life, I mean.
As in, this life, and to be clear – in this life, we come to crossroads and impasses.
We have choices to make.
We move and we switch.
We can turn around and double back if we need to.
But we can’t redo time.
No – this is a one shot deal.
We can change lanes and often, we rewind in our minds and make a wish to replay the games from yesterday. We think about this as if we could replay our past a bit differently – but the warranty ran out.
Sorry.
Time woke us up, as if to say, “Sorry about that, kid. But there are no do-overs,” which is not to say that there are no second chances. In fact, I could argue that we have more chances than we think –
We might not like the terms,
but there’s always a deal out there to be made.
But you have to play it smart.
There is a great big world out there.
Can you see it?
There’s a world out there just waiting to be explored – or tested.
There’s a great big life out there too – just waiting to be lived or if you choose – you can do more than just test the waters (that is, if you’re not afraid to wade in the ocean about shoulder’s deep and let the soft waves swell over your body – as if to be wash across your skin and feel the ease of a current – in love).
I admit it . . .
It’s hard to know what comes next.
It’s hard to see the forest from the trees and it’s hard to stop the thoughts from spinning around in our heads. I get it.
I really do.
It’s hard to keep our attention away from those sneaky suspicions or those uncomfortable hunches which may or may not be true. But in all fairness, all is true when it comes to our belief system – Understand?
So please –
Be aware that it’s only fear.
It’s only a game of smoke and mirrors.
And fear is a bitch sometimes.
Fear is one hell of a culprit.
Also, fear can be one hell of a motivator.
Maybe this is why the legs in our mind never seem to stop running.
Know what I mean?
I suppose this is why we get so tired sometimes.
How can you rest with an anticipatory mindset?
I’d tell you to knock it off –
but would you listen?
Does anybody?
Either way, trust me when I tell you that there’s more in store than just what you see.
It’s true.
There is so much to do here on the suburban side of purgatory.
There are places to see and people to meet. But hey, this is only a way station.
This is only a stop on a much bigger journey.
It’s a momentary flutter of the heartbeat.
But I want more,
I want the whole thing.
So, I’ll wait until it’s my time
to make my move
or pull my trick.
This is all temporary which means nothing is finished.
Nothing has to be decided today and regardless of the demons that nip at our heels, trust me, the smoke and mirrors are playing games with our imagination.
It’s only fear that our dreams might be too far to reach.
But trust me – we can hold our dreams in our arms much tighter when we let go of the fears that drain our strength.
This is life.
And life keeps moving even when we’re keeping still.
Life moves no matter what.
It never stalls, not even when we pray for it to pause.
In fact, time only moves slow when you need it to hurry up.
But even still, a second is only a second and a minute is only a minute.
But me, I have been through minutes that seemed like millenniums and hours that seemed even longer.
Don’t believe me –
Just ask the demons . . .
They’ll tell you everything.
Life has not, cannot and will never stop.
Time doesn’t stop either.
Not since the beginning of time, which means we can resist, we can fight back, we can endure or we can adjust to the moments at hand and live accordingly.
Come to think of it –
I believe they call this acceptance.
Accept “What is!”
Right?
We can acknowledge “What is” and understand “What isn’t.”
Then we can make a change or maneuver ourselves in whichever way possible.
But – Let’s get this straight.
If this is life, then I do not want to fade or slip away.
I do not want to vanish or disappear and somehow dissolve as if to be nonexistent or blow away like ashes from last week’s match that burned and did its job, and then it was blown out after its use
(and meaningless).
I want to start my life over. Right now.
So let me begin.
As in right this very minute.
I want to do this without pausing or stalling or worrying.
And yes, I want to see the big picture.
I don’t want to blink because I don’t want to miss a second of anything that comes next.
And that’s right.
No matter what, my aim is to make the next chapter better than the last.
And I will do this more and more, each day, consecutively.
From now until forever. This way, I will advance.
I know that times are going to be hard.
I know that trouble will find me.
I know that life will be painful at some point and that yes, I’m going to fall down a few more times and redefine the lessons of what it means “to get back up!”
But to me – so long as I build and so long as I work; and so long as I look to grow and so long as I look to better myself – no matter what comes my way, even if I slide backwards, I will never slide back so far that I lose what I’ve gained or fade from my momentum.
Therefore, if time is unstoppable,
Than so are we.
Today –
I checked an item off of my list.
I showed my emotion.
I did not cover up or hide my truth.
I did not worry about the angle of my smile or whether my laugh sounds odd or if my appearance is unlikable (or ugly).
I found out where my beauty has been hiding and who holds the secrets of my happiness.
I allowed myself to see beauty today.
And even in the middle of adversity, still – I decided to not give this away.
I did not let my lights go out nor did I surrender.
I held the line.
I stood my ground.
I dug my heels in and refused to give way.
Nothing is perfect. And neither am I.
No one has the answer and no one holds the key
But me –
Let me explore.
Let me try.
Let me feel the sun on my face or find myself on the beach behind Collins or near 100 Lincoln Road.
Let the wind be kind to me.
Let the waves be gentle
And when the tides come in and the water rushes over me –
Let me remember the best days of my life
And that’s why there’s a list, my friend.
That’s why I have this journal:
To document the trip – and to take notes
to remember where I was,
what I’ve seen, what I felt and what the music sounded like
especially while sitting at dinner
and listening to a Cuban singer
by the beach.
Suavemente . . .
. . . besame
The Written Addiction 