Prose from the Bucket List – This is What I Want

I have been asking myself a question throughout this entire journal, which is simple.
What do I want the most? Is it happiness? Is it peace? Is it redemption and a shot at a greater salvation?
Or have I started this so-called list of mine to redeem my spirit?  Is this based on the need to see the world or taste the nectar of life without ever looking back with a second of regret?

I could say yes to all of the above.
I could say that I have come here to somewhat correct myself. By correction I mean to change my direction and somewhat halt the wheels of that crazy commotion in our daily life. Yes, time moves pretty quickly. Age creeps up. The windows of opportunity close on us by the second and yes, one door closes and another one opens – or at least I can say this happens sometimes.
But this does not mean that we should allow the world to go by or take anything for granted.

But there’s more . . .
I have come here to resurrect my own soul.
I have come here to breathe spirit into my own life. Since this is true, then what better way is there to breathe life into my soul than to live?
And I mean to really live – at least for a second or one second at a time.
How else can we pick up the pieces and rekindle the flames of our old dreams?
What better way is there to live than by allowing ourselves a moment to shine or to smell the freshly-cut grass in a small town we never heard of before?
Or like I’ve always told you, what other way is there to experience life than to go someplace unheard of, just to spend a moment before the sunset and to eat somewhere at a place that is small, but also a gem and a best kept secret – and what better way is there to live life?
What’s better?
To live and to do?
Or to watch and only witness?
I’d rather do. Yet, there are times to witness and times to act.
I want to perfect both.

What do I want the most?
Well, I think that first and foremost, I want to be good.
I want to remove the faults and flaws and the remnants of my past.
I want to revive my spirit and to revive my spirit, I want to move away from the negative mindset and the battles, the arguments, the resentments, and the internal wars that tend to rage on in our heads – and why? I’ll tell you why – it’s because we fail to have learned the artform of how to “let things go.”

What do I want?
I want to be better.
I want to be good. I want to leave a mark behind me that stands for something more than say carving my initials in a tree – you know what I mean, don’t you?
It’s like when we were kids back in school and someone etched their initials into a chair or in a tree in the schoolyard.
This would usually say something like: B.K. WAS HERE! with the date below of 9/09 – and scratched in with a pocket knife. Yes, I’m sure that my insignia has been left somewhere or on something.
But that was then –
This is now.

I have changed and grown. And, my intentions have changed.
I have matured. Yet, I can say that I still have the fire in me, like a kid before his prom night.
I still have that special something inside of my gut.
There’s something in my heart which is why I come here continuously; this is why I keep coming back.
I still have the desire to run and live out loud, as fast as I can – or I still want to feel the wind blow through my air while driving down the street, fast as ever, and the music is loud and I am free.
Sure. I have that need too.
I call this part of my freedom.
But more –
I want to be good.
I want to do something.
I want to mean something and add substance to my life (and yours).
I want to give something of myself to leave a little skin behind, as if to say, not only was I here, but this is what I did . . .

It is morning on our side of the globe. Yet, the sun has not decided to join us.
The weatherman says there will be rain – all day long, which I suppose is fine.
At least I can allow myself the quiet hush of rain drops, which may be lugubrious or sad but not to me.
No . . .

I want to be better. I want to be able to relive my life and look back with a full heart.
I want to remove the depths of a shallow emptiness and get rid of the roots that bury me with a weed-like substance that suffocates the roots of real life and keeps us from our best potential.

I want to unlearn and then relearn the best ways to love.
I want to understand my past in a way that I can release myself from the grips of old decisions and create a new path – or to forge ahead on a new journey, I want to remove the emotional and resentful blinders – I want to clear the blockages; I want to be rid of my restrictions so I can see clearly and so I can live fully and wholeheartedly.
I want to let go of ideas that bring on the imaginary scenarios that trip us up or lead us to fall down.
I want to let go of resentment.
No more anger. No more regrets.
No more sadness or the sullen surrenders to an idea that I am either not right or that there’s something imperfect about me as a man – or that I am flawed and faulty as a person – that I am unable to reach the next level, incapable of love, or that I am unable to remove myself from an otherwise inescapable concept, which is defective and shoddy – as if to say that I am not fit.
I want to get rid of this.

Let’s be clear – I give myself credit.
I want to be crystal clear on this one.
I do.

I credit my life because there are times when I could have quit or folded my hand – but no. I played it through – even when I lost, I still played it through. 

I am proud of my ability to be accountable for my actions.
I am truthful enough about myself that I am brave enough to speak the truth about myself before someone else speaks it for me. 

I want to walk a beach and feel a total moment of ease and complete perfection.
I’ve felt this – or at least a portion of this.
At least for a little while.
I want to be good.
I want peace . . .
I want to give and receive and to allow myself the cyclical completion of life in full-circle.

I want to breathe the air.
I want to feel the sun on my face.
I want to experience the moment of fulfillment which comes when I allow myself the freedom to complete my circle and achieve my craft.
And what’s that mean?

Well – I’ve been looking to pull off my trick for as long as I can remember. 

It’s a trick. That’s all.
It’s magic –
And if I’m not mistaken – the sign I read said, “Fuck normal. I want magical!”
I want that too.

Somehow, I want to be better because of what I’ve done.
I want you to be better too.
I want to leave the world a little better than when I found it.
I want to replace what I might have taken.
I want to offer myself.
I want to give.
I want to replenish and yes, I want to leave you with this –

I was told a poem by an old friend.
I’ve mentioned this poem before.
The poem does not belong to me and I do not know who the author is.
But my friend – I knew him well. 

A bell is not rung
Until you ring it
And a song is not sung
Until you sing it
And love in your heart
Was not put there to stay
For love is not love
Until you give it away.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you for sharing this –

I want to be the poem above.
I want to ring the bell
I want to sing the songs
I want to take the love in my heart which is not meant to stay because I know that my love is not love until I give it away.

This is my item for today.