Prose from the Bucket List – Sunday Morning

Sunday morning –
The sun is coming up and there is so much to do. Yet, there is nothing to do at all – except to disconnect or to relax or to let go of oneself, or to allow the moment to be sufficient enough that ah, the sunrise is here and the new day upon us is enough to cover us like the first wave of a high tide that covers the dry side of the shoreline.
Quenched of its thirst.

It is morning, of course.
The sun is coming up and the new day is about to begin.
There is nothing more important than this moment – right now.
Yet, as people, we find ourselves living in otherwise moments or we come to find that our attention is elsewhere; hence, we are far from living in the moment and henceforth, we miss out on so many grand occasions – like, the sunrise, for example.

I have been up for a while now.
Awake and cleaning.
I am doing more than what I thought I could do and still, I have so much more to do.
I have more to see and more to say.
I want to look at my life as a means towards different goals and various achievements because otherwise, what’s the point.
Otherwise, I might not remember to take in a morning like this one, which is delicate and soft and quiet to the heart.
This is pretty and beautiful; like the face of an angel, soft as ever, loving and so beautifully endearing to me, or healing at least, to me, this is the face of the angel in my head.

I am a searcher. Just like you. I am a collector too. In fact, we all are.
I have a collection of memories. I have a collection of dreams. I have a collection of accomplishments and successes. I never had trophies like an athlete might have or I can’t say that I have a wall that’s lined with academic accomplishments or anything like that.
I have a few newspaper articles about me somewhere. I have a few mementoes that mean more to me than gold or silver.
I have some pictures of my family from back when I was young. They are gone now – most of them. My family, I mean.

I am sitting in the dimness of an early morning’s light. I have music playing in the background.
In fact, I chose something soft and bluesy with a hint of jazz which I believe is something that shows my age because, of course, I prefer something easy these days as opposed to my younger days when life was filled with piss and vinegar.
Energy was constant back then and my ability to recover was undeniable.
I am older now. Then again, we all are.
We’re all aging continuously and infinitely. I say that I am aging in an irreversible process called time, which never stops or goes away and thus, neither will we.
No one can stop us and even if we seem to be extinguished or gone, nothing can reverse the fact that we stood here together. Not even a so-called god or false idol could try and take this away.

There is no reverse. There are no do-overs.
There are no second chances to live your life to the fullest and certainly, there is no way to recover the lost seconds of madness or dreary thoughts that can otherwise steal or poison the moment – and keep us from being happy.

So, what makes you happy?
I ask this because I think it is a fair question. I also believe there are simple answers to this. Like, say, a walk Downtown in my City.
A moment on the roof of a tall building is a good start towards happiness.
Or like now, the sunrise is taking place – and to me, this is my favorite time of the day.
Sunrise . . .
However, this is tied with the sunset because I see both of these times as equally important.
I view them as visible division of a time which separates the night from morning and the morning from night.

I like this the same as I like the separation of seasons because this reminds me that yes, life is cyclical and that we all have seasons of our own.
And this is beautiful. (Just like us.)

I did a lecture a few days ago . . .
I saw youth in its perfection. I saw anger. I saw rebellion. I saw fear. I saw anxiety. I saw unsureness. And I saw hate and misunderstanding.
I saw love. I saw dreams. I saw the younger generation searching and blossoming into an idea or perhaps to them, this is only a concept called life and as the students evolve, their life will evolve as well – and so will ours. 

I saw young people. I saw their truths as well.
They talked to me after their class.
Some appreciated what I said. Some wanted to tell me about their life and about their dreams.
Some asked about me. They asked about my life and/or if I have forgiven myself or pardoned my trespasses. And yes, I have.
I was asked if I am done paying back for what I took, so-to-speak.
My answer is this: Life is still happening and that means I am still on the move. This means that so long as I have a thought in my mind and breath in my lungs, I will always believe that I owe myself and the world an effort to repay the kindness of my existence.

I am fortunate now. Then again, we all are, at least for something.
I am blessed and lucky. Yes, there are times when my luck runs out and there are times when humility knocks on my door to remind me that, “hey, pride comes before the fall.” Sometimes I listen and sometimes I fall. But once I learn, I learn that I can get back up and do what I need to regain my composure.
I can recognize what happened and what took place and if I am honest or if I have the ability to be honest and hold myself truthfully accountable, I can grown from here.
I can move on. I can walk away. I can say goodbye to that which is worthy of my thoughts.
I can apologize.
I can amend myself and amend my soul.
I can retrain my thinking and learn new or different pathways of thought to keep myself from repeating the past. I can do this to stop perpetuating a behavioral loop that does nothing else but brings me back for more.

I am not unteachable.
Nor should I ever be. I am not too proud that I believe so deeply in myself nor do I want my ego or ideas of self-importance to become so outweighing or overwhelming that I lose myself or the people I love.

I want to scream sometimes. “Look at me!”
As if to call out for attention or as if to be noticed or as if to be heard because I admit this; there are times when I see myself as invisible or somehow unhearable and there I am, screaming to the world and hoping to God that please, someone just hear me once.

I say this because this is an honest assessment of my truth.
I do not say this for attention – even though I seek attention.
I do not say this because something is wrong or because I am hurting or alone.
No, I say this because this is honest. We all want to be noticed an desired or cared for an loved.
This is true.
This is a part of me that is wrapped and swaddled in the blanket of an inner child, too cranky to be awake and too jazzed to go to sleep.
I think too much. Then again, I think we all do.
I think we fail to see ourselves as the miracles that we are – miracles. All of us. 

I saw youth, like I said.
I expressed the importance of self and self-care. I expressed the importance of honesty when it comes to understanding ourselves and yes, to an advanced psyche course and to another counseling class for substance and alcohol abuse, I expressed my motivation for this lecture.

Please be you.
Please stop looking for the right things to say.
Please understand who you are.
Please know your worth and your value exceeds more than a title or a position or a job at a firm.
I expressed my truest ambition which is to reach them before they reach the stage and pull off their trick.

Know who you are.
Know where you are.
Please . . . because when I needed someone to talk to, it was hard to find the right person because no one seemed to relate to me.
No one could reach me and yes, this is what it means to be truly alone – an outcast, an outsider, an odd one or the mad one, the crazy kid, the one with scars and secrets. 
That was me.

Please know who you are before you embark on this journey.
I told them this.
I told them they all owe me one life.
Save one life.
That’s all.
Pay this forward.
Save one life.
See how this feels.

Also, I offered them the most life saving word in the world which is often used and seldom realized for its importance.
The word is Hello!
Imagine how simple this word is yet we take this word for granted all the time. 

Hello . . .
There’s no big flowery word here.
Just a simple hello.

Imagine how life saving this word is (because it is) when someone believes that no one else cares and no one notices yet out of nowhere comes a sincere greeting – a friendly hello.

I think that I have to go back to visit my places of worth and gratitude.
I have to go back to that hill which I have been telling you about.
That’s the hill on the farm.
I have to go back here for a long conversation with the sky.
And to say, “Thank you.”
Then again, I have to go to Point Lookout as well.
I don’t do cemeteries. Instead, I go to places like the beach at Point Lookout – to see my Old Man and let him know where I’m at.

I have to go back to El Santuario de Chimayo in New Mexico.
I think I need more time in the sanctuary.
I think I need to revisit my path and allow my hands to touch the soil in a place like this, where healing takes place and belief can restart my faith to keep me on the path of least resistance.

Maybe I can go to Crater Lake in Oregon.
I say this because I’ve seen pictures of this – and yes, it’s beautiful.

There is beauty all around us.
There really is.
We fail to see it though – or maybe we’re too distracted.
Like the students who told me they lacked the ability to see their own truths or their own beauty because at some point, someone told them a lie.
I hate bullies . . .
And their lies too.
This is what takes us away from truth and the truth is; nothing about us is ever ugly.
That’s just layers of skin that grew over the rawness of life; in which I mean, the truth is in us.
And there’s only one truth.
Anything else is either a lie or an opinion.
That’s all. 
My goal today is to see the beautiful things in the world around me.
I will clean some more. I will get to the gym (at some point) this morning.
I will make my bed. I’ll make my daily bread.
I will feed myself and yes, I will be sure to make enough – just in case you decide to show up . . .

But before I go . . .
Thank you.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for showing me that I am more – and yes, I say this with the emphasis on the word “more” because we all want “more” which I know that I do.
I want more.
Sure, I do.
Right now.
Why wouldn’t I want more?
But more, I want the simplicity of this . . .
I have what I have.
I am who I am.
I’m moving at the best of my ability and yes, I have more in store and more to do and more to say.
I also have more to write, which is good because this is something that keeps me alive.
This is what keeps me going strong.

Today’s bucket list item is more than looking for something beautiful.
Today’s item is to live in the moment or to allow this moment to be sufficient for itself – to enjoy this minute without the distraction of thinking too much about what’s wrong or about what could go wrong.

Right now is perfect because I am sitting quietly here, with you, and in the stretch of morning, yawning, post-coffee, and in preparation for my upcoming moments, I took to this place like a lover returning from battle overseas, running eagerly to embrace this moment exactly as it is -to hold love in my arms as tightly as I hold this in my heart – ongoing, as in infinitely – as in forever.

Good morning, Sunday.
I think you and I have some business to tend to.
And here’s to you, Crater Lake . . .
I think we should meet soon.
Right?