We are who we think we are. Otherwise, who are we?
If we believe that we are enough or if we believe that we have value and that we are worth the world then, of course, we are worth more than say, if we think we are worthless or otherwise, a burden or a bother.
“As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains.”
James Allen
This is something of note to me because as a person who lives with mass volumes of insecurity and as someone who speaks with them regularly, or as a man with misconceptions that whispers in my ear; and as a person who lives with social anxiety and whichever labels that come with the psychiatric diagnosis in the DSM-5, or as someone who has lived with a past challenge or worries I have acquired throughout my life, for whatever reason, if the saying is true and “Man is who he thinks,” then my goal here is to think better of myself.
How can you feel better if you can’t think better?
And if so, how can we interrupt the process? Or how can we change or create a new way of thinking to gain a new approach on our life?
I see this now as more of a quest than a question or survey.
This is not to be confused or to be misinterpreted as a self-deprecating idea. No.
This is about growth.
This is only a stream of consciousness though which means this is honest and true and from the heart and soul without thinking or a censored concern.
I am casting this away without thoughts of any regard for my exposure.
Again, this is not sad nor is this anything other then a means to a better end or a start to a new journey.
This is only a means to find myself in a better position. This is only a recorded plan, documented with all of my spirit. This is a mission statement to improve, each day, all day and until my last day. My position on this is very clear.
I see no problem with being honest about our challenges. I see no problem with being honest about a thought or an idea or a feeling. I see no reason to deny the ideas or the intrusive thoughts that seep – nor do I see the reason to deny our soul’s challenges and our hearts cries; and, I see no reason to deny the roughness of life because to defy them, we have to announce them.
I see nothing wring with being honest about ourselves or the challenges we experience that lead us to question our pursuit of happiness.
It is not up to me to say who will stay or who will go. It is not up to me to decide what life should be or what I should look like to anyone else.
No.
This is none of my business.
However, it is up to me to learn.
It is up to me to grow and to understand my relationships with others in my life.
It is up to me –
It is absolutely up to me to learn from my mistakes.
It is up to me to improve. It is up to me to grow. It is up to me to evolve and it is up to me to change when changes are necessary and lastly, it is up to me to understand that my thinking can often impact my behaviors. Therefore, my behaviors will often impact the people around me.
I have to be aware of this
I have to hold myself accountable for this too but not to the fire and not to exceed great pain because in the end, if I come to grips with my wrongs and amend them, I can improve beyond my expectations.
There was a time in my life when I was very angry.
I was angry about so many things that if someone asked me why or what I was angry about, I wouldn’t have known where to begin.
Maybe I was angry about my feelings of discomfort. Or maybe I was angry because everything seemed so mismatched to me. Life appeared as if no matter how I tried, nothing seemed to fit correctly – not me nor anything I did seemed to make sense. Nothing was fluid-like or natural. Everything seemed either fake or forced or coerced. I was awkward. Uncomfortable.
Maybe I was angry about being uncomfortable.
Maybe I was mad that I wasn’t like other people or that life seemed easier for others – so, I resented people. Therefore, i acted out on this behalf.
My friendships, my relationships – everything about this seemed either challenged or shaky. I was unsure who was true to me and, therefore, I was unsure how to be truthful to anyone else.
I understand that left up to interpretation, this might appear sad or that this might read as a depressive idea, which it is yet – this is also a statement which proves that people can and will improve – if they work at it.
This is written and documented that we can improve. We can advance or even if at minimum; we can mature and evolve and, essentially, we can learn new and better ways to live this life
We can find our best life.
Trust me, it’s out there. . .
I remember when I was angry. I remember driving all the way out east just to be alone or to be by myself without feeling so lonely.
I remember standing at the beach in Southampton. I was young. My life had changed. My family was growing more distant by the day and me, I was losing myself. I was losing my identity.
Or one could offer the other side of the spectrum which is that I was trying to identify myself. I was trying to understand more about who I was as opposed to the all-time question of “Why?”
Why am I the way I am?
I have been this – me.
My whole life . . .
I have always been sensitive.
I have always been afraid or weak or vulnerable.
I have always felt things . . .
As for empathy, which to me was weakness, is why I tried so hard to bury this or distance myself from anyone and everyone who grew too close – I can feel things which may or may not be true – but i can feel the hurt and loss of others and I can see them weeping in my mind –
I never talked about these type of things.
I never dared.
I remember standing on the beach and thinking about a song which coincided with my whereabouts.
The song is called Southampton Dock by The Pink Floyd.
I’m not sure why I had such a fascination for the song.
But I did.
Hence, the drive . . .
In fact, I have a fascination for so many things.
I never dared to open up or try or tell anyone because the idea was too daring and brave and so telling that I was afraid of the consequences such as: what if I give this to someone? What if I share this most delicate thing of mine, also known as my heart; and what if I share this or show my truths, or tell my secrets or my dreams – and what if I offer this and they come back either “return to sender” or unwanted or unused and unappreciated for the value – what do I do then?
I admit it. . .
I live my life in fear.
I was afraid to dance.
I was afraid to love the music enough that my soul could not contain my emotion and the need to rejoice would be too big for me to suppress.
I was afraid to laugh or smile in fear that perhaps my grin is too crooked or unsightly or my laugh would be unlikable or worse – uncool.
I was afraid to share my truest depths and/or show my inspirations and share them like a child would share their most precious toy, like a teddy bear that comforts them to sleep.
I say this both openly and honestly because I have reached an understanding. I have reached an agreement with myself. I have reached a moment of awareness; and more, I have come here to express myself, by any means, because while I understand not everyone deserves my truths nor does everyone deserve to stand beside me or hold my hand, I know what happens to a life that is suppressed from the inside out.
I know what happens when we fail to share ourselves or fail to come forward with our truths.
I know that whether I am accepted by everyone or not at all; I have come to the point where a supplication was needed – a moment came where I had to make both a plea and a treaty with myself. I had to come to this because otherwise the impasse of a crossroads and “crossroads” thinking led me to question too much and do too little.
We are who we think we are.
So, my item today is to express who I am . . .
Come forward
This is not about insecurity. No.
This is in spite of my insecurity.
I acknowledge that action and movement is the enemy of depression.
Calmness and stillness, or the comfort of sitting alone and the satisfaction of “Being me” is an idea that anxiety cannot comprehend – but I can.
I can comprehend this – wholeheartedly.
I call this my dream, my peace and my little slice or heaven.
I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety.
I am not a disorder or something labeled by the people with clipboards or lab coats or doctors with stethoscopes. No one is.
I am not a label that can be defined by my job or my job title nor am I a description that can be summed by my shortcomings or downfalls. No one has the right to judge me –
Except for one –
And he knows me personally.
I am truly this –
Sensitive
Hopeful
A child
A man
A person who wants and dreams
I am a soul in this world, incomplete yet I am eagerly working on my completion to bring myself back into a full circle – so that I can rejoice and reclaim my place in the sun.
I am a searcher.
I am someone that wants to see the sun and the moon and the stars and the sky at different stages of night or day.
I am a fan of the sunset.
I am a fan of the sunrise.
I am scared too, yes.
I am frightened to be touched yet I crave this.
I want this.
I want to be loved.
I want to love in return.
I want to enjoy hope instead of regretting it.
I want to build a treehouse.
I want to go to the prom that I never had the chance to see.
I want to dance on the beach after midnight in a tuxedo with the most beautiful person in the world and say, “I love you.”
I want to see the places I never dared to go.
I want to see my worth and treat myself as the deserving person I am.
I am small.
I am big too.
I am young and old and I am a heart hoping to break away from my old or prior self because as I see it, since my previous life has led me astray, I want to improve and amend my spirit because yes – I say, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit,” and no, I am not forsaken so long as I no longer forsake myself –
Step out now.
It’s okay.
The coast is clear.
There are no more bullies in this world.
They were only a concept of the mind, which in fairness, we paid too much attention to them and not enough attention to us.
Don’t be scared anymore.
If you are, don’t worry.
I’ll be right here to protect you.
I know who you are.
And I know where you’ve been.
It’s okay.
You can play now.
I know that not everyone is down to play the game or play fairly – but don’t worry. I’m here.
I have not forgotten you –
It’s just been a while since I’ve been on my knees like this, humble, like a child holding his teddy bear and afraid about the unknown under the bed – But I can share my teddy bear, if you need me too.
Here . .
Take this
This is me
This is my body
I might not go before you to Galilee
But I will not disown you –
No matter how many times the rooster crows
On my eyes – Behold
I will be with you
Always ~
The Written Addiction 