Prose from the Bucket List – Oh, and Then There’s that Wolf Again

I have said this before –
There are times when people seem lost or better yet, if a person is about to embark on a new journey, or how about this – when someone is about to embrace an unexpected change or a turn of events shows up without an invitation, it can be unsettling at first. It can be hard to roll with the punches or to evolve with the changes, especially if we don’t know where to begin.
Sometimes, I find this is true for myself. I’m not sure where to start. I don’t know where to go first or how to begin or what to expect.

Like Bob Dylan once sang, “My weariness amazes me.”
If I think about it, so does our ability to overcome.
This amazes me too.

We have the ability to advance or to endure the unendurable – and still, somehow, time moves and the open wounds can close. We can heal. And yes, this can happen even when we’re sure that healing is unthinkable or impossible – times steps in to lend us a hand. Moments grow distant and in the end, the need to improve grows bigger than the need to stay behind.

I have seen people endure a life-changing diagnosis – and watched them recover.
I have been privy to see the worst diagnosis, only to learn that the person recovered from an otherwise incurable disease – I say the word incurable, because it is. However, with medication and with medical attention and maintenance, this person lives an otherwise normal life.
I say that’s heroic.
I remember this and the beginning. I remember this person’s sadness and anger. I remember their resentment and then; one day, time got between us.
A few years went by. I believe we call this the Covid years.
And there they are, living a brand new life in spite of what they thought would kill them.
They’re alive in a brand new way.
Nothing is over.
Nothing has to be.
The proved this to themselves.

Even if “It’s over,” per se then in the end, a new beginning has to take place.
I have to understand this.
And yes, I think we all need to understand this.
Life is cyclical. I have been saying this for years because my years have proven that this is true.
There are moments when we ride the waves and there are times when the waves crumble into sand.
I get that and so do you,
I’m sure.

Start now . . .

I am a fan of the quote, “A year from now, you’ll have wished that you started today.”
It’s true.
The idea behind this lesson is to learn this now before the lessons become painful.

But hey –
where will I be a year from now?
Will I be facing the same challenges?
Or will I advance and learn how to navigate and explore a new direction in life?
Will I still be talking about the same things?
Will I still be hoping for the same outcomes?
Will my fantasies differ or be the same?

Or will I allow myself the freedom to advance, or pardon, or forgive, and will I grow to the best levels of my emotional awareness? Will I find myself with an improved level of social and emotional intelligence? If so, will I allow myself to move forward in this brand new world of ours?
And yes, the word is brand new. Each day is new.
Or we can keep it old and broken.
The choice is free to make.
Each night comes to a close and each morning bursts on the scene with a phenomenal idea:
It’s called daybreak.

I can value this too. You know?
I can learn to grow. I can advance and improve. I can slide my chair away from the tables where I don’t belong. Then I can politely stand up, push my chair back in and then, of course, I have the inalienable right to stand up and walk away.

So do you. It’s all just a choice.
Harping on life’s misfortune is not going to help us.
Looking for reasons might answer questions but in the end, we are where we are – and no amount of answers or trying to find accountability is going to change our whereabouts.
Nothing can change the past because, at last, the past is unalterable and hence, unfixable. 
So fix what you can now so that tomorrow comes without the need for repair and thus, you and I are not behind the wheel of an “out-of-control” ride.

There’s no reason to look back with anger or vengeance or to hold resentments anymore.
It’s go time, which means it’s grow time too.

Life falls both in and out of place sometimes.
And more often than not, life can happen without explanation.
Life can hurt. Change can be uncomfortable – or more to the point; change can be a bitch!
But that does not mean we don’t have what it takes to overcome.

Like you and everyone else in this world, I have found myself at the crossroad on several occasions. I have found myself in the face of fear and indecision. I have found myself at the bottom of insurmountable ideas – as if I were looking up at a mountain – too steep to consider and too high to believe that I could climb it.
I have seen the different faces of intimidation and yes, mainly, I see them in the mirror on a daily basis – especially when I face the challenge of “I” against “I” or “Me” against “Me.”

I go to the battle between the two halves, like the story that a Cherokee grandfather told his grandson. You know the one, right?
This is a story about the battle between the two wolves within us.
We all have this battle.
One of the two wolves is evil and angry. This one is filled with envy and pride, bitterness and ego. This one holds onto self-pity, self-righteousness, and resentment. This wolf comes to battle with all the baggage that weighs us down.
The other wolf is good. The other wolf is a representation of joy and all the brightness we possess. This wolf comes with understanding and forgiveness. We’re talking about empathy and generosity, truth, compassion, faith and hope.

The grandfather explained the internal battle to his grandson.
And the grandson asked, “Which wolf wins?” to which the old Cherokee answered, “The one you feed.”

Now, I certainly do not own this story nor do I have the rights to it; however, I do have two wolves and with more depth, I fully understand the battle within.
I also understand that the side that wins is the side I feed – or, adversely, the side that loses is the side that starves.

And, so –
Rather than feed my envy or rather than feed my doubts or support my fears by allowing them to silence me; or instead of drowning in the rivers of self-doubt and being swept out to where the rivers eventually empty into the sea – I can feed the other side. I can starve my doubts by feeding the hunger for my daily dreams.

It is certainly easy to feed our doubts.
No, really, it is.
It is definitely easy to give in to intimidation and lose our mind. And yes, it’s easy to lose our cool or want to quit. It’s easy to lose our place and lose sight of the bigger and better picture.
I know that while life can be a combination of incidents and accidents and yes, there is such a thing as contributory negligence – and we all contribute to this when it comes to overthinking life and the in-between difference of pass or fail.

So, if today was your first day of the rest of your life or if you could rid yourself of all the weights and chains that hold you down – what would you get rid of?
What would you ask for? If you had the choice, what would you want today to look like?
Would you make it bright?
Would you make today promising?
Would you go somewhere, like say, Uptown or Downtown?
Or would you venture to a place you’ve never seen before or do something that you’ve never done before?

If given the choice, would you allow the day to go to waste?
Would you prefer to be hateful or angry?
Or in the case of the Cherokee grandfather, which wolf would you feed – the good one or the evil?

So . . .
Today is about to begin and I have a lot on my plate.
Then again – we all do.
Today’s item on my bucket list is to decipher between the two wolves.
Which one to feed
Which one to starve
Where to begin
Where to go
And wherever I go, I know there is something to learn.

I know that my intention to move is enough to promote my motivation to move and thus, I’ll move forward so long as I choose to take action. That’s how the good wolf eats.
Time will move. We will gain momentum and a year from now – we’ll be glad we started today instead of living in the sameness of misfortune or starving ourselves from love and joy – all because we fed the wrong goddamn wolf!