So, in the end, what do we want?
What does anybody want, anyway?
Do we know?
Are we sure?
Or wait –
Is the answer to this simple or obvious?
Even better, are the answers to the above questions something which is all too confusing because there it is.
It’s right here – the answer, I mean.
All we wanted was right here, this whole time. And it’s always been right here.
Life is happening, right in front of us, yet somehow we seem to have overlooked it.
Is this the answer?
Or is it the case that answers are simple but the questions are either complicated or, to us, is it a case that the questions are so big and vague?
If so, then I ask this again: Do we know what we want?
Are we sure?
In which case, if we get what we want, is this it?
I can say that yes, I know what I want. Then again, I might not be sure how to get this or how to reach the goals that I have.
And sure, I’ll admit it.
There are times when I worry and wonder if I’ll ever get these words out – or maybe I worry about whether or not I can package this in a way that opens the door of my dreams.
Maybe it already has opened the door and I’m still too blind to see it.
Or maybe inadvertently or subconsciously, I’ve slammed the door in my own face.
I can say that to be clear, what I want is to be happy.
Then again, that’s the trick.
I suppose this is the goal for us all. This is the absolute grand prize of a life well-lived.
And me?
Sure, I want to be happy.
I want the world and I want it now.
Who doesn’t want what they want, when they want it?
But anyway . . .
I want to be productive. I want to live a good, full life.
I want to know that what I have done or what I have left behind has either been noted and acknowledged or, at minimum, I want to know that this meant something – or that “I mean” something. As I express this, I say this with an honest and fullest heart.
My life and your life is a medley of changes.
We are a collection of events and memories, experiences, and moments to share,.
We will experience eye-opening events and moments to hold dearly.
If we are lucky enough to love or to venture away from our insecurities; or if we are brave enough to interact with people, wholeheartedly, as if to allow ourselves the vulnerability and without decoration – to give or share ourselves – the truth is we can create the most wonderful vibrations together. So, nurture this.
This is what allows us the right to be free enough to love and care without fear or the worries of rejection.
I am where I am in this world and currently, I am in the middle of my own personal correction.
I do not come here to pat myself on the back nor do I come here to beat myself over the head.
No, I view this place of mine as an imaginary workstation.
This is where I come to give myself an honest and fair assessment.
As well, I come here to allow for a constructive conclusion each day and each morning because, as we know, we’re all here on this great big ball we call the globe.
Or namely, “Here we are, Mother Earth”
I’m down here too, alive in my subjective perception and equally in the deception thereof.
I have no time for the down-nose people. I have no time for the critics nor is there any time to work in accordance with the bullshit or to see eye-to-eye with a socially acceptable standing.
I don’t have time to wonder, “Am I ever going to take off?” or worry about my book sales or question if “I’m enough.”
And I mean, let’s face it.
There are over 7 billion people in tis world. I’m not sure how many of them are writers.
I don’t know how many painters there are or how many artists are out there, carving something out of nothing, right now, as we speak.
But art – this is my way.
This is my voice.
This is me and yes, this is the color of my life – all being free and clear to reach you and your interpretations, regardless of your accuracy.
Open your heart, they say.
Put yourself out there, people tell me.
Okay.
Know when to hold hands.
Know when to say, “I’m sorry.”
All good advice.
I get it –
I do this thing, each day.
But then again, no one knows this (or me) better than you do.
After all I am you. You are me.
We created each other because we have been created for each other.
I found something which needs to be shared –
But, before I offer this, I want to be clear that I am no guru nor am I a doctor or a professional.
I am only a man and sometimes, I am only a person.
Other times, I am a child, hopeful and eager to see the very first snowfall of the year – remember?
Like, back when we were kids in grade school.
I know this was a while ago. But still –
Think back. Sitting in a grade school classroom.
The sky was gray and out of nowhere, large snowflakes fell from the heavens – and with all of our youth and childhood excitement, we ran to the window to see snow with all the “ahs” and the “oohs” that only a child could verbalize.
I say this because only a child can pull off such an honest trick or perfect the pure verbalization of an “ah” or an “ooh” to such a perfection.
I offer this as an idea; as if all the big and beautiful “wows” become wasted or muted by age; hence, the world loses its wonderful appeal.
I can see how this is due to life and the lack of youthful enthusiasms –
This is why I say we have to stay young.
Otherwise, the world takes on the shades of muted color like, say, the everyday world around us which might appear to be intrusive or too loud, almost like the world before the first cup of coffee in the morning.
Know what I mean?
So – as a human or as a person, I am clear on the understanding that while flawed, I still have the right to my opinion.
While yes, admittedly, I am not preaching nor am I the standard to follow – I found an old poem of mine about love.
So, here it goes.
This is to him:
Pay attention, son.
There is no test.
But you might want to learn something anyway –
Trust me – you’ll know when you see her.
But be clear. Be careful
And be sure.
Don’t balk.
Don’t back down – or better yet
Don’t allow the grass to grow beneath your feet.
Don’t let too many moments roll beneath you.
Or wait –
Don’t forget what she means to you.
So, again . . .
Pay attention, son.
The test that comes with this is called life.
But trust me when I say this –
You’ll know when you see her.
So – don’t lose sight
(or her)
You’ll know when you see her
because when you do
her eyes and smile
will somehow evaporate the darkness
of everything that took place before the moment
when she walked in the room.
When you breathe in tune…
When you compliment the opposite…
When there is nothing lonesome
or separated
and the inside stir begins to whirl
and your heartbeat thumps
when she stands in the doorway.
You will know.
Believe it
You will know and –
something within you seems better;
almost healed,
and in comes the greater purpose
and, of course, the bigger picture
becomes abundantly clear.
There is no questions or concern
because there is nothing hidden
Nor is there a reason to hide anymore
Nothing is concealed
Or kept secret
This is to her:
You’ll know when you see him
When there is nothing compromised but instead,
you’re connected in such a way
that nothing can rob this or take its place –
You will see.
You’ll know.
When it’s mutual
Back and forth, and evenly
when all is reciprocal
as if to embody the motion of a perfect engine
With pistons that move in unison
You’ll know
When it’s as though there was never a time
you didn’t know him –
It will be obvious and you will understand.
But be forewarned
Nothing is perfect.
Shit happens.
Understand?
Either way –
You can overcome anything –
No matter how deep or dark.
And don’t listen to what your friends say
or even your family.
You will see imperfections and sickness
and that yes, not every man
fulfills the normal prophecies –
You will know that love exists
and combines
and absorbs the outside faults and contradictions
yet in spite of our faults,
love will somehow transform him
(to you)
so you can put aside the nonsense,
even if it’s just for one person
(namely him)
And you will know that you are complete
because nothing is hidden
and nothing is concealed
ever again ~
–
My perfection as a person is my honesty about my imperfections.
And so, then what do I do now?
Fold?
Give in?
Should I walk away?
Or say, oh well . . .
Because if I do, then what?
To me –
This just suffocates the spirit.
This kills the soul and more, this leads to a personal theft of services.
Otherwise, this robs the child within – to go without that feeling of amazement like, say, when the snowflakes came down outside the window of our third grade classroom . . .
Bucket list item for today –
Find your fearlessness.
Forgive
Forget
And free yourself.
The only thing perfect is our imperfections which, to me –
This is what makes us who we are –
So, enjoy the crazy chaos –
It might just be the sexiest thing you ever did see.
The Written Addiction 