Prose from the Bucket List – Go At It

There is something I have come to understand about myself.
I am someone that needs a project. I need work. I need something to focus on and plan for because otherwise, the mind can wander and thoughts can drift. I give myself projects because the projects have value and the value improves my worth.
Understand?

I have lived long enough to know and understand the things that either help me or hurt me.
As I see it, whatever we do in life either brings us one step closer to our goals or this pushes us further away.

I can’t call it.
I can’t predict the future. I can’t tell you what will happen next week or even later today. Instead, I can give myself something to work on. I can give myself a project.
I can start a new program. I can create a new routine. I can go to the gym, which I do. To me, this is something that I call growth because I was never a gym person.
At 51 years of age, I have started to face this fear.

Rather than look around or worry about what others think, I allow myself to focus on the tasks at hand. I was never comfortable exercising in front of others. I was always too insecure on the machines.
“What if I’m doing this wrong?”
Or, “What if I look stupid” or worse, ”What if I look weak?”

Maybe I am weak compared to some people.
Then again, strength is relative.
I don’t know how strong I am.

Then again, maybe nobody understands how truly strong they are. Maybe we take our abilities for granted.
For example, I can walk. I can run. I might not be fast, but yes, I can do these things.
However, there is someone in a bed right now who was told they would never walk or even so much as move their legs again – so, in this regard, I would never understand the victory of intentionally flinching my toe, which was otherwise an impossibility – yet, it was done.
I love this idea.

Nelson Mandela is known for saying, “It always seems impossible, until it’s done.”
I remember hearing a version of this when I was younger.

I was in grade school at the time. I was very young but old enough to allow this to catch my attention.
I was told everything is impossible, until it’s done.
I never forgot this.
I’m not sure if this was from one of my teachers at school. I’m not really sure where I heard this or if this was taken from Mandela himself – but there was something to this for me.
I believe that insecurity is filled with a list of impossibilities.

I believe that the mind is riddled with limitations and pitfalls, traps, trained biases and assumptions. It would appear the mind is filled with guided opinions that resulted from either fears or experiences. And as for experience, sure I have my experience.
In fact, I could list a thousand problems or defects, maybe even more. I could list all the reasons why something will fail or why I might not reach the mark.
I can come up with a list of problems; however, I can only give you one, good, goddamn reason as to why I keep going or why I keep writing.

I have not stopped this promise to myself. I won’t stop this either. I might not be where I want to be. I might not have crossed the finish line, so-to-speak, but then again – this is more of a process than a race. I might not have the life I hoped for, but then again, today is a new day.
So, let’s see what happens.

I have to give myself daily tasks. I call this exercise my emotional fitness.
I give myself something for the mind to consume or otherwise, I replace my thoughts with action. 
I do this because if not, it is easy to submit to the swamps of troubled thinking.

I have told you that in the beginning, my idea to write on a daily basis was an act that spread light in an otherwise dark time of life. Life is not always happy.
But at least with this, I can create an action that allows my mind to process my thinking.
I can oil the so-called gears in my brain and allow myself a relief valve because otherwise, it’s really easy to go insane.

It’s easy to find doubt.
It’s easy to think about the things that can go wrong or to see things as impossibilities.
But again, everything’s impossible until it’s done.

Hence, my bucket list. Hence, the daily items that I’ve been sharing with you.
Hence, there is a reason why I start and finish my journals to evolve into the next series of thoughts.
This has become my way of replacing thoughts with action.

I am an advocate –
I advocate for those who otherwise lost their voice. I am an advocate for those who fail to see their own worth because after all, I am human which means I struggle with both the common and uncommon anxieties and stressors that we face on a daily basis. As a matter of fact, I am my own advocate because no one else can do this for me.

I had to learn to break things down and find an action to otherwise replace my thoughts of failure or defeat.
I believe in this.
While I might not be at the top of the charts and while my following may be small and humble – at least I can say that I went at it.
I kept my commitment. Yes. I have other improvements to make. I have to maintain a healthy diet and stay on top of my nutrition. I have to be mindful of my exercise routine. I have to keep myself from the physical and emotional laziness.
Also, I have to understand ways to better myself so that I can better my thinking.
This allows me to better my feelings and improves my chemistry which is otherwise my emotional content.
I have to do these things otherwise I risk myself to the point of sinking in the emotional quicksand or drowning in the swamps of self-doubt. 

It’s always impossible, until it’s done.
I think this is a great item for today’s list.

Attack something that would otherwise intimidate or frighten me.
And by attack, I’m not saying this in a violent way or to do something that encourages vengeance.
Maybe this is a way to avenge myself and salvage or improve my self-esteem.

Give yourself one thing to do today.
Face one fear.
Take one step towards overcoming that otherwise impossible feat.
Go. Be. Do.

Don’t look down. Don’t look back.
Don’t look away. Don’t worry about perfection.
Just learn to perfect your form.
Perfect your craft.
Find something that puts love and warmth and rage in your heart.
Let this motivate you to the best of your ability.

This is a great idea.

I’m almost finished with this journal.
It’s time to consider my next move, which is a promise that I’m making to myself.

This helps me keep to my commitment; to allow myself to continuously evolve and to perfect my own bravery because recently, I have revisited an old lesson.

Bravery does not mean we are not afraid.
No, I’m afraid. I’m afraid of a lot of things.
I have personal and social intimidations.
I have professional intimidations as well – and what does this make me?
Human!

Bravery does not mean that fear doesn’t exist.
No, this just means that regardless of our fears, we can say fuck it!
Let’s do it anyway.

That’s my kind of bravery.
And that’s the best item for today’s list.

Go at it . . .
Even if it all seems too impossible –
Go at it, until it’s done.