There comes a time when we turn a corner. Life evolves as it always does.
There comes a time when we look back and realize where we’ve been and where we’ve come from.
And then we look at where we are, as oppose to where we were – and then suddenly, we’re not so bad.
We have overcome more than we could possibly consider.
And I think that’s great.
I think about this when it comes to my life, as it is, and as it was. I think about who I am as opposed to who I was five or maybe ten years before.
I think about me and as I was as a 20 year-old and how things have changed since then.
My intensity has changed. My intentions changed too.
But at the same time; my intention is to be happy. Only, my views of happiness and my understanding of what makes me happy have changed quite a bit since the days of my young adulthood before experience came along. I am not the man I used to be. Then again, it has taken me decades to realize that manhood and its definition can change as we grow. And yes, I have grown.
I look at my life – I think I’m doing alright.
In spite of life’s hiccups or/and pitfalls, bumps, bruises, scrapes and breaks, I’m doing okay.
(You know?)
I look at my faults and flaws and in spite of myself, or in spite of the times when I cut my nose off to spite my face; here I am – just like you.
I am one example and one person in more than 7 billion others.
I am walking in a sea of the unknown and searching, seeking, learning and living.
That’s me.
It’s amazing to me – who we are. And I mean it’s amazing to me to see who we truly are, as opposed to the facades or the images we choose or the false personas and protective coverings we hide behind because, at some point, life is going to happen – and real life has no place for fake smiles or plastic bullshit.
Eventually – we see who people are.
We can see their angles.
We can hear people talk and sure, maybe our interest is important to them.
Not everyone has an evil side. But soon enough, if you listen, you can hear when people turn selfish or show their motives or motivation.
It’s not my place to judge – neither is it up to anyone else.
At some point, our truth comes to light. We either awaken or find ourselves exposed. At some point, we either move or recede, or we sink deeper into ourselves, more and more, trying hard to either hide or deny our true self. But I want that to be behind me now.
As in, far behind me.
I see the world around me and yes, I view this as if I were to be a person of interest. I am a student in this big world. I am locked in a great study.
I want to understand more. I want to know why I think the way I do or, at least, I want to either find accountability or understand the depths of my feelings at a better length. This way, I can heighten my levels of awareness to improve my level of consciousness to come to the ultimate or optimal level of understanding – which is also called freedom.
To know and understand yourself means no one can say or do a hurtful thing because while we still feel and we still process; we also learn about the right to walk away or to remove ourselves from personalizing someone else’s bullshit.
And me –
I want to understand why the unknown is such a fearful thing – or, if we go back to the ideas about the dark – which are we afraid of?
Is it the dark or is it the unknown and the possibility of what’s in it.
I am an explorer. I want to be brave too. I want to touch the sky and at times, I want to look up and sit back – and just be happy.
Why not?
This is my life. I am where I am and I am moving and growing and learning as I go.
I am a person who backs the idea of the 4 L’s, which are the way we live, love, laugh and learn; furthermore, this is our mental health.
Anything that affects the way we live, love, laugh and learn is something that impacts our mental health.
This can either push us to new heights or sink us to a lower depth or dungeon.
And me, sure, I know about the dungeons.
I have a membership card and everything because that’s the thing about misery – it’s always there and always willing to make a deal or to keep your seat warm.
Misery loves company. Then again, so does joy. So does happiness. So does the need to celebrate and explore, to live, and to laugh, and to love and, of course, to the sentiment and the ability to learn is always open for business.
But, be mindful.
The information is equipped, like a double-edged sword.
Also, be careful of the beast.
As for the beast – I know him too.
I see him all the time on the street. I hear from him, from time to time, just so he can let me know that he is alive and well.
I know my beast on a first name basis.
I know all about his walk and the glimmer in his smile. I know about his angles and his subtle hints and how he likes to laugh – oh, but he loves to laugh.
Yes, one thing is for sure, the beast is always looking to make a deal or a trade.
I used to sit with him all the time. We’d have lunch.
We’d talk and reminisce about the old conversations. You know the ones.
Those are the old talks and arguments that took place. Only, we didn’t like the outcome. So we’d rehearse the conversations as if to prepare ourselves, just in case those conversations were to happen or come up again.
What does my beast do?
He instigates. He goads.
He teases. He allows my imagination to go back and forth so that I can have those old conversations and prepare myself for a war that is long gone and no longer exists.
(Fucking guy!)
Sure, I know my beast well.
Very well, in fact.
And another thing – the beast and me, we go back a long time. In fact, he knows my insecurities better than I do.
That’s how he gets me. He keeps me guessing. But ah, it’s like I just said.
Misery loves company. And so does my beast.
I think of how many years I have spent with the wrong people. I think about the people who promoted my fears and those who promoted my best interest.
Yes, there’s a line between them.
And some people have been on both sides of that line.
(Except for you)
I think about myself as a person. I think about my wrongs as a human and how I have wronged others in my life.
I have. I am not above this.
I am not better than anyone else.
I have secrets. I have fears. I have skeletons in the closet, so-to-speak, and yes, I have moments and acts, sins and the otherwise, interpersonal crimes, which I am neither happy nor proud of.
“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”
Mark Twain~
I think of this quote often.
I think about our bouts with “self” and our bouts with shame. Yes, I have bouts of my own traumas and shame as well.
But my beast can lean on these things to keep me around.
Or I can look to the other side.
I can look for joy. I can seek happiness. I can search for fulfillment and explore the ideas and the various supplements of satisfaction.
I can seek happy people who do happy things.
I can search for my inner angel instead of my demons and become my own hero instead of my own worst enemy.
I can look for the sun and wait for stars to shine at night. I can look for the moon and enjoy it when it’s full.
I can look for a starlit sky, in mid November, and I can appreciate this, wholeheartedly, and gaze at the moon when it looks like a sliver, cut like a bright thumbnail, so bright in the sky that I can’t help but to take notice.
I can search for peace or live in chaos.
Which one will it be?
I have said this before and I should say this again:
We spend so many years in school to learn about math and science and how to add or subtract. We learn about how to make a living yet no one sends us to class to learn how to be happy.
So, maybe this is my next project.
To seek happiness.
To understand it.
To live for it.
To enjoy the moment for what it is instead of worrying about things like if I will ever be this happy again.
I should search through my memory bank and reflect on the times when I was happiest – like an afternoon fishing trip when the bass were biting and so were the perch.
This was a great day which took place away from the world and yes, I saw beauty that day.
I saw a look of excitement. I saw a happy face of unsureness, because in the sweetest and purest way possible – I was there to see the prettiest girl in the world catch a fish for her very first time.
She had no idea what to do – but still, she did it.
No one else saw this.
But I did.
I was there for that –
So, today’s item which is up to be addressed is this –
Seek and ye shall find, right?
So then –
Today’s plan is to seek happiness.
Find this, even in spite of anything that might or could go wrong; even in spite of the current hardships, or in spite of the challenges or hardness that borders our hearts- seek happiness.
Happiness, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment
These are great things.
And I should think that this is another accomplishment.
I think this is another box that I have been able to check from my list – to finish another journal . . .
So that I can start another one.
This is a thing of joy:
To keep me going
To weaken my beast
To promote my destiny
And –
To push me one step closer to being who and where I want to be
(with you!)
The End
The Written Addiction 