The Discovery of Loose Change (and other good things) Ch. 1

And so –
Today is a new day. The sun might not be shining right now. But that doesn’t mean the sun isn’t there.
Right?
Of course, it’s there. We know it is.
And, of course, today is a new day.
Of course . . .
But life?

Hey. life is happening.
Always.

There are ups and downs. There are tragedies all around us. There are countries at war. There’s an epidemic or two, or maybe even three. Who knows, by now . . .
Depression is real. So is anxiety. We have mental health challenges and people who live in crisis. The homeless population in the City is on the rise.
I mean, think about it. . .
We all have reasons to be pissed off –
It’s true.

Look around. Look at the price of gas. Look at the rate of inflation.
Listen to the news, read it in the paper or watch the news on television.
Better yet, if you work for a living, open up your check.
See how much we make and see how much we pay in taxes.
Need I say more?

There are countless arguments around us. People are bitching about the government and, of course, politics has become the new religion.
It’s not who you pray to anymore. It’s who you vote for – and sure, just like other religions in the past, and since who you pray to is equal to who you voted for then hence, this new political religion causes wars too, and equally as deadly.

I can say that I know family members, loved ones and people who used to be close friends that refuse to talk to each other now. This is all because of their differences and political views.
I say this is idiotic. But hey, who am I?
I call this babyish and stupid and rather than talk or have a constructive discussion or even a fair debate with honest facts or an open mind – rather than go back with data, I see people going to lower levels and stooping to personal tactics. This means they’ll go after one another with slander and character assassinations. 
I mean, why listen or be teachable when it comes to life and politics?
Just hate each other – it’s better, right?

I tell you this without any lies. It’s easy to be angry.
It’s easy to flip someone the bird and give them the middle finger when they cut you off in traffic. It’s easy to lose patience when waiting in line at the supermarket.
Trust me on this one. I experienced this last night and wanted to commit a crime – I was so mad.
This happens though, especially when the person behind the register has only two speeds – slow, and slower. Meanwhile, the lines at the register are getting longer and longer and the person working the register is getting worse and worse – mistake after mistake. Not to mention, the person in front of me was arguing about their expired coupons and literally fighting about pennies and cents.

I admit it –
I’ve done my share of cursing at the television.
I’ve shaken my fists at the sky. I’ve cursed people (and their mothers) more than once.
I am not above this. I am no better. I’m a New Yorker, or so I’m called.
I have an accent. Maybe I have an attitude.
Yes, this seems to be part of the discussion I’ve heard after I’ve done some of my speaking engagements or lectures. 
I laugh about this now.

In spite of the craziness and life that we see, there are times when we find things, like little treasures. Sometimes, this is enough to make us smile or be happy. Sometimes, this is enough to put a smile on our face. Like finding loose change in a coat that you haven’t worn in a while. Or, when you find a few dollars in a pair of jeans that you hadn’t worn since that night out in the summertime.
Do you see what I’m trying to say here?
Can you relate?
Ever find something out of nowhere and it reminds you of a good time?
A happy time?

I am certainly not above human error or mistakes. And yes, I’ve cursed about this too.
I’ve allowed myself to submit to an anger. I’ve given myself up to resentments. I’ve lost myself to envy.
That’s for sure.
In fact, it took time for me to accept myself, as I am. Thus, I had to learn tolerance and patience because, of course, I know exactly what it means to be my own worst critic.
I know what it means to be my own worst enemy.
I had to learn how to be honest about my truths and be brave enough to say anything truthful about myself before someone else would call me out or say this first. 

I admit it – life can be a challenge. 
I admit this too – I can be a challenge.
AB-SO-LUTELY!

I remember when I was told about life being simple. Then I was told that it’s us who are difficult. I was told about a simple program too and that it was us who make the simple program difficult.
Do you know what?
Maybe this is true.
Maybe I do complicate things. Maybe we both do.
Maybe I want to find my happiness so much that I become desperate.

Yes, I’ve settled before. I was desperate enough that I allowed my disbelief to blind me.
Yes, I wondered if I would ever be able to pull off my trick. And maybe I have – on occasion.
Maybe I have pulled off a trick.
Maybe I’ve pulled off several. Only, it is often the fact that we fail to see our true selves as incredible or amazing.
Since this is true, then it might also be true that we fail to recognize our simple triumphs.
Maybe this is part of why we overlook ourselves or forget to see ourselves as incredible.
And we are.

In fact, I used to believe that I was ugly. I did ugly things. I said ugly things to beautiful people.
I have a list. I have photographs.
I have mistakes under my belt and sure – I was blinded by my own hysterical thoughts and depressive assumptions.
I have been misled by my anxiety and anticipations. 

I’ve seen myself in bad places, And yes, there is such a thing as bad places. I have been placed in handcuffs. I’ve had to face the humiliation of being publicly exposed and ridiculed. Yes, I have sat in tiny rooms that were built of concrete and fenced in the front with bars that lock and doors that roll shut with such a loud and haunting desperation; loud, like a bang that seals fate like the cruelty of an angry exclamation point – bang! Period. End of sentence . . .

I am no better nor worse. I am not above human nature. I am a part of this. I am a human, living and breathing but I am also learning and loving, hoping and hunting, and in search of a new life – and a happy one at that. I am all of the above. Yet, I am not my past nor am I a riddle of my mistakes. 
I am reborn in a personal sense. Rather than be risen or sanctified or be absolved of original sin in the baptismal sense, I am reborn again and again and until I find my way; then let me go. Let me try. Let me do this. Let me find what makes me happy because out of all my wishes, I wish the same for you.
Happiness –
The opposite is a bitch!

Honestly, I want to find a small place where I can taste the best bowl of soup. I want to dance. I want to sing. I want to learn how to laugh and be unafraid if the next day will be just as good.
I want to enjoy life not resent it.
I want to live not exist or simply be a witness.
I don’t want to watch others live. I want to live my life.
I want to live with appreciation not envy.
I want to admire and live with admiration in my heart not jealousy or discontent.
Not spite. Not anything that further degrades me or my life.

Happiness –
What a great thing this is.

Safe to say that the things that made me happy as a child have either advanced or changed. At the same time, I am still impressed and I still smile when the seasons change. I still appreciate when I see lightening bugs for the first time when the seasons become warm. 

I can list all the reasons to be pissed off.
But what does this do?
How does this help me?
How does bitching or complaining improve my life?

Happiness –
That’s what I want. And that’s the inspiration behind this new journal. 
That’s what this is all about.

I am a writer – or, at least this is what I choose to call myself.
I am a person of hope. I’m a dreamer. Yes, that’s true as well.
I have scars. I have a story. I have a past which is not indicative of who I am now.
But still, I have seen the inside of terrible places and sure, I’ve endured terrible things.
Do you know what that makes me?
This makes me human.
This means I am real.

I have lost and learned and fallen and paid the price.
But more, I learned how to rise and stand back up again. 

I remember listening to one of the last surviving inmates of Alcatraz. His story was interesting to me.
He talked about The Hole.
He talked about the blackness and the darkness of The Hole, itself.
This cell was otherwise known as solitary confinement, a punishment in prison, and worse than we could imagine.

They called this place The Hole because there was literally a hole in the floor. That’s where the inmates went to the bathroom.
The smell was ungodly. The darkness was unthinkable and the madness that comes with spending time in The Hole is presumably unthinkable 

The inmate explained that when the guards placed him in The Hole, he would drop to his knees.
He said that he would break off a shirt-button from his shirt. Then he would place the button on his thumb, as if to prepare to flip the button over his shoulder into the dark air – and then, the inmate would crawl on his hands and knees, through muck and filth with roaches and rats and body excrement, looking for his button until he found it.
Once he found the button, the inmate would repeat this process.
He said they took his time. They took his light. They took his freedom.
But he would never allow them to take his mind. 

I have shared this story before and with countless people. Therefore, my job (and yours) is to find our button, by any cost, and by any means necessary.
Yes – life can be hard. We all have places like The Hole in our own world.
There are times when we lose ourselves and we lose our light and our hope. Perhaps there are times that due to the nature of our surroundings, it may appear that we lose the benefit of attractive choices and we suppose that we are not free – but we can’t let anyone or anything take our mind from us – nor can we surrender our freedoms to live a good happy life, no matter what takes place.

Happiness –
This doesn’t mean that bad things will not happen. This does not mean that sadness does not exist.
All this means is that in-spite of whatever tragedies take place, we have the ability to overcome and arise and be better, one day at a time, no matter what.
I know this . . .
I know that while I do face hardships and while I do endure heartache, I know that in spite of the hard facts and the coldness around me; I do have love in my heart.
I can improve. I can advance. I can regain the materials that I lost but I cannot regain time, once its gone.
So then – I suppose this means we have to make every moment count.
Right?

I think of the beauty of being a child is how simple it is to laugh and play and not need so many grand or expensive things.
In this case, I’d like to be a child again.

I think about the fireflies and my connection with wonder of my youth – and true, this might have changed since I was a small boy; however, on the inside, I am still that small boy.
I am eager to learn and happy to play.
I have enough scars. I’ve been in enough fights of all kinds.  
I don’t have to prove that I know what it means to be tough anymore.
And maybe I’m not tough, fine then.
So be it. 

I don’t want to be a witness and watch the world anymore. I don’t want my life to seem like I am someone who watches from the window or looking from the outside in. 
I have done this enough.
So now –
I want to be happy . . .
Just like you do.
I want to live.

So what if I can’t dance?
That doesn’t mean I can’t try.
This doesn’t mean I can’t feel the music in my heart and sure, I can dance along. I can sing along too – even if my voice is imperfect – then fuck it. I’m imperfect.
But at least, I’m me and that’s perfect.

It’s time though.
Right now.
Wake up!
Fate is calling you and the world is waiting.

Don’t be a prisoner. But for God’s sake: Find your button.
Don’t wait. Don’t forfeit your life or waste it by watching the world be alive while all you do is sit still and simply exist.

I want to inspire. I want to bring tears and have them be comforted with the resilience of a smile. 
Whether I am a prince or you are a princess is actually irrelevant . . .
(Because I say we are!)
The world is out there –
Waiting for us.

I plan to take this journal with me wherever I go.
I plan to talk about the different derivatives of happiness. My intention is to shine a light and to reflect on the times that were happiest in my life.
So, this starts a new journal on a new day. And to put us both in a new direction – there might be tears to come ahead – but yes, the tears will be comforted with the truth which is that we can (and do) recover from anything. There’s beautiful things out there just waiting to be discovered.
I swear it.
Life is real.
So is joy.
So are the findings of loose change in our pocket.
That’s what this is all about . . .