The Discovery of Loose Change (and other good things) Ch. 4

And you have to laugh, at least this is what I hear people tell me.
You have to laugh because otherwise, what’s the alternative?
Misery? What else is there?
Resentment?

In other words, perhaps there’s a choice to make here –
happiness or misery?
Which one do you choose?

We all know about misery and how misery loves company.
So you laugh or at least you try.
You laugh because what else can you do?

Safe to say that not everyone has a reason to smile. Then again, not everyone has a reason to walk around and be pissed off – yet, the choice is out there.
I suppose this choice is ours to make, at least to some degree.

However and in fairness to our lives and our situations, and our truths, which may not be entirely true – but still; in fairness to our personal life and our challenges or to the reasons for our anxiety or otherwise – there are times when smiling is a hard concept to grasp.
This is funny to me because I can recall hearing people tell me, “One day, we’re going to look back on this and laugh . . .”
On a few occasions, I might have responded, “Oh yeah? Well, one day, I’m gonna kick the shit out of you!”

One day we’ll look back on this and laugh. . .
Well, maybe not exactly laugh.
But yes, I can say that following my advancements in life and after seeing myself through a problem and coming out on the other side, I can say that I’ve looked back and felt a different sense of lightheartedness.
I’ve shaken my head. I might have smirked or wondered about the things I said, as if to wonder, “What the hell was I thinking when I said that?”
And yes, there are times when I’ve laughed about my choices because, well, they seemed to be a good idea at the time.
I’ve laughed at the question which comes after revisiting the past:
What the hell were you thinking?
And my stock answer used to be, “I don’t know.”

But maybe that wasn’t true either.
Maybe the truth is I did know – yet, the truth can be a scary thing to admit and yes, I suppose as a means of self-preservation or to keep my denial intact, there are times when I’d wished that I didn’t know why I did what I did. But, I did . . .

Either way –
We have to laugh. Right?
Otherwise, what’s the alternative?

What makes us happy?
Is this a simple question?
It sounds like this should be a simple question – and yes, although the answers might not be as simple or perhaps our answers are complex, due to our own hang-ups.
But what makes you happy?

I can say that I have met my share of miserable millionaires. In fact, the kindest and warmest smile came to me from a nearly toothless grin from a man who used to attend some of my empowerment groups in a homeless shelter.

He was a man. Old. Lived a tough life.
He was otherwise angry but we had what anyone would call a normal conversation.
This means we were two people, just conversing, talking and then cutting it up a little bit about nonsense and things like that.

The man smiled at me. I remember this clearly and distinctly because I have never received a smile like this before.
And not even since then . . .
I am not sure where this man ended up. I know that not too long after our interaction he left the shelter.

I know that he was unhappy with the way he was being treated and had a list of complaints regarding the management of the shelter.
Of course, this is probably why he was either removed or left. However, in a conversation with some of the other residents, it was explained that the man did not smile often.
But when he did smile – you know that he meant it.
I was told that he smiled at me because we talked like people talk.
He appreciated our little Sunday morning group because the group was human. There was no set topic.
There were no rules but there were some basic guidelines. This was not a typical self-help or 12- Step model.

Instead, our little group was intended to sit together, as people, and to come up with a goal (or two) for the upcoming week, the way people do, and to honor each other (as people), we learned to talk and to listen to one another – as people.

I suppose this was one of my first true lessons when approaching the plan of becoming a mental health professional.
But more, this was one of the most valuable lessons that I learned as a person.
People want to be valued. We all do.
We want to be appreciated, not judged.

We want to be heard and to the best of anyone’s ability, we want to be understood, which, – and let’s face it; it’s not always easy to understand or to be understood.

I think I have seen enough screaming in one lifetime. I know that I have seen enough fighting.
I have seen enough hate and hatred. I have seen enough bigotry. I have seen enough ignorance and insensitivity.
And yes, I am guilty of all.
I have shown my fair share of all the above, from ignorance to intolerance, and from hateful to spiteful.

Yes, I have done these things too. Where has this led me?
Has this helped me smile more?
Has this led me to a happier or more productive life?
What has my lack of patience done for me (or for us) and how has this led me to a more fulfilling life?

What does the call for vengeance do?
Does this help?
Even in the cases when I screamed for vengeance and ran for my revenge and achieved this – did this help me?
Well, maybe I felt better for a minute.
Maybe I was satisfied to get the last word.
But what does the last word satisfy?
Closure?

I’m not too sure about that.

See –

The fact that we are thinking of someone to that regard or the fact that we are harboring resentment – in the end, the mind is holding on to this.
There’s a hook that digs in our thought patterns and thus, even when we strike back, the hook is in.
It’s not the insult that stings as much as it is the aftermath and the amplified thoughts that seem to grow, dramatize and mutate the supposed infraction or imposition. 

And here comes another thing that I hear all too often.
Don’t take things so personally . . .
Sure, because that’s simple.
Right?
Maybe it is (for some people).

But the mind is a series of intricate wiring that holds different circuits and channels and yes, the memories of things, like say, an insult or the ongoing words from the internal bully or an interpersonal bully.
These things send signals back to that thing we call our ego and our emotional thinking – and then we start thinking again.
Then we start rehearsing old conversations, as if they could happen again –
Sure, I’ve done this.
I’ve done this plenty.
What has this done for me?
If you can relate – what has this done for you?

In my case, this just spins the wheels and turns the gears of the anxiety machine.

It’s easy to be pissed off.
It’s easy to be mad. Of course, it is.

But still, the question remains –
What makes you happy?

Me?
The sight of two dolphins swimming around inside the marina at Marina Del Rey in California. 
There’s a bridge in Miami that makes me smile and the sight of 100 Lincoln Road, South Beach – that makes me smile too. 
The beach.
The ocean.
Music.
A walk in the park.
The sight of a hawk, flying high and overhead, yet – the bird is motionless and still, just hovering and soaring through the air.
That makes me smile.

Other than that – a blue sky.
Give me a good sunset and a pretty sunrise.
Give me a good bowl of soup.
Let me have a dance or two.
Let me see the inside of the Museum of Art, just once more.
Let me check out the planetarium once again.
Let me see a show.

Let me take a walk into the sunrise, early in the morning when the air is cool and the winter is only arriving; it’s not too cold, just brisk and invigorating. 

Let me settle my debts and my emotional accounts –
Let me find peace and comfort, even in uncomfortable times. 

These things make me happy.
Know what else makes me happy?
Give me a movie from the 80’s, like the ones we used to watch when we were young and crazy.
Give me a good meal and some good company because perhaps, although cancer is cancer, sickness is sickness, and life is on a time clock – I am healthy, I can stand, I can walk, I can see and although my sight is not what it used to be, and neither is my hearing – I have the ability to see and hear beautiful things.

And memory –
Sure, I have some of those.
Not all are so good.
But not all are so bad either.

My best memory –
I was thinking about a mid-August day with The Old Man. We went snapper fishing. I watched him stand in the bay with the water up to his knees. I watched the sun beat down on his dark, olive skin. His salt and pepper hair was always parted to the side and his face was intense – he was watching his line as it floated in the water. I assumed he was thinking about a million deep things, but who knows. I was just a boy looking up at my very first hero.

I never told him how much this memory meant to me.
I never told him how happy this day was for me –

Perhaps, one day, I might have the chance to tell him.
Maybe the Universe will be kind enough to send this to wherever it is that Heaven keeps its mailbox.

So, what makes me happy?
This.
This makes me happy.
And you –
You make me happy too.
Life gets in the way sometimes.
We all get crazy.
At least, I know I do –
But another thing that makes me happy is the ability to amend ourselves, to make something right – to either pay or repay a kindness, to lend a smile or offer a hug when we both need it most. 

Find the source (and the person) who brings this type of thinking your way
And by all means – never let them go!

Like you, for example.
You . . .
Where would I be without you?

You know?