This note is a means to find that thing we have always been looking for and yet – it was always where it was supposed to be, which is right here. Right in front of us.
Right before our very eyes yet – we’ve looked everywhere just to find this one, simple thing.
I call this self . . .
Look in the mirror.
Do you see?
The answer is right there.
There’s so much out there that we fail to notice. I swear, sometimes, it’s as though we forget to pay attention or open our eyes. There’s so many things that we overlook or take for granted.
It’s true.
There’s so much to take in and so many beautiful, amazing things. This is all happening at once. Yet, optics are everything. The way we see things or the way we forget to notice the fact that, ah – it’s here. One more day, my friend.
We are one step closer to an answer.
Each day . . .
We are one step closer to an understanding and another step closer to wherever it is that we are supposed to be.
I believe this.
I always have. However, and with an honest heart, I often fail to follow my own advice.
This is true.
Hence, this is the reason for this journal.
This is to allow myself the chance to switch my viewpoint.
I am doing this as a means of self-care and also, I am sharing this with you because, well – who else could I say these things to?
This is to bring out the happiness and yes, I do believe in the bitter-sweet. I heartily believe that the good and the bad are intertwined and yes, I know that I am not alone in this world.
It may seem this way at times. Then again, I am sure we have booth dealt with lonely spells of time.
Haven’t we?
I understand there are others too who may or may not share the same views or understanding. That’s fine. Besides, this is not written for them anyway.
I understand that my thoughts are subjective to me and, of course, I understand that while I am here to focus on my path towards a better life, not everyone will coincide with my trip and not everyone will agree with my tactics.
I hurt too. You know?
I go through challenges.
I am a real person. I am scared.
But who isn’t?
I’m a child and yet – just give me a chance.
I’ll learn.
Still though, the idea of happiness inspires me.
It has to.
The idea of living life and to see things and do things is amazing to me.
Nothing needs to be hinged on fate or the involvement of others.
I think this is brilliant.
I have sat here with you for years now and my goal is still the same. I come here to sit and send my ideas into the universe.
I do this as a wish and a plea so that I can find my way.
Do you know what I mean?
I want to reach that special plateau or that grand level of perfect existence.
I want to achieve an ultimate level of pure and enriched consciousness.
I am looking for that immeasurable and weightless space, called Zen.
This is why you are so important to me.
I come here to see you, each morning, because I am reaching out to find that unmatchable mindset.
I want that sense of Godhead, or to be so enlightened, so divine in oneself, or to be so grounded and connected with all the world, and level with my own being and in spite of all that madness that surrounds us; I want to find myself in green pastures, or lead to still waters, and at last, I want to know, stand, feel, be and become so fulfilled that the so-called real world is no longer a threat to me.
I believe in this mindset – although, I know it’s a craft that takes work. However, I want to find this so at last, I have reached a supreme level of understanding. I want to find my best level of awareness that allows me to dictate and determine my future, regardless of my past. Therefore – I am truly saved because I have learned to cast out my own demons. You know the ones. They’re the ones that call us by our first name – and act as if we are friends.
I am like you or anyone else here on Project Earth. I have a wake that swells in the waters from the life behind me. I have seen my own share of destruction which was either self-induced or unforeseen, or passively aggressive; I have painted myself into corners. I have cut my nose off to spite my face. More than once, I might add. But for how long?
Does this need to continue?
Do we need more destruction to resurrect ourselves into our own personal divinity?
I know what fear is. I know all about insecurity. I know the devil too. I see him all the time. And yes, he still smiles. He sends his best, by the way. So does she . . .
They say that they’re sorry that they haven’t come to visit you in a while. But have no fear, they tell me. They’re always thinking of you and, of course, they’re always willing to negotiate and strike up a deal.
So, there’s that to think of . . .
I exhaled, just now. And loudly too.
I let it out – my breath, I mean.
I have this “thing” inside of me. It’s my spirit. Maybe.
Or this could be my soul.
This could be my inner truth or my inner child, or better yet – this could be the real me, which is not so different from the person who I appear as – yet, if you look at me – I wonder something . . .
What do you see?
What do I look like to you?
How do I appear?
I ask this because I have spent decades trying to figure out my approach – or looking to be “cool.”
I spent most of my life trying to perfect my walk and the way I talk or say things.
I’ve rehearsed my lean against the wall or the fact that yes, I’ve been places where I’ve tried to pull off my best James Dean . . .
I have been trying to pull off my style. Yet, my style keeps changing. This is not just about the way I dress. This is not about the way I look. Instead, this is more about the way I live my life – and/or, this is about the way I want to be, regardless of outside life and regardless of an outside opinion, or regardless of what happens or who likes me (or doesn’t), I want to find that untouchable appeal. Whereas, I am unaffected by others and simply put – I am free at last to live my life without the burden of second thoughts.
I am learning that happiness is not contingent on good fortune.
Happiness does not mean that everything is cool – all is well and hey, isn’t it great that we’re all here and now we can all sing and dance in peace.
That’d be nice . . .
Only, the problem is we don’t all dance to the same music and we don’t all have the same rhythm.
So?
We have to find our better vibrations and stick with where this fits us best.
I can’t dance to an unmatched tempo anymore. I know because I’ve tried and all this has done is led me to be out-of-step or out-of-tune.
Happiness has nothing to do with external peace or chaos. In fact, happiness comes from within. This comes from the way we habitually treat our thoughts and our assumptions. I know this yet, i forget my own math sometimes and I allow myself to add into the personal equations of insanity, which is enough to drive me crazy.
Get it?
As for our assumptions, I question how anyone could be happy if all we do is assume or expect the worst.
This is what I mean by finding that plateau or that great sense of fine existence which has nothing to do with money or the concept of materialistic things.
No, this is all on us.
You and I
Me and You
You and me –
Or, how ever else the grammar gods want us to say it.
But I’m a poet – at least, I hope to be
(Someday)
And that’s what I have come to understand is my problem. I have looked for something external to fix my internal dilemmas throughout my entire life.
What has this done for me?
Does money fix depression?
If so, there would never be such a thing as a miserable millionaire – or billionaire, for that matter, and trust me when I tell you this – I’ve met a few of them. Man, were they a big bunch of assholes.
To avoid this, or to avoid the discomforts of imposter syndrome or symptoms of rejection sensitive dysphoria, I have to begin with me. That’s the bitch of it. I have to replace my habitual thinking and my typical assumptions that all can go wrong and that Murphy’s Law is alive and in full-effect
So –
Do you want to be happy?
Me too . . .
But guess what – this is not an easy thing (at first).
This takes work.
Here’s why –
If habit is something the body can do without the mind’s input, then we have to create happiness as a habit that is formed by repetitive living.
This means I have to look for this on a daily basis.
I have to find something beautiful. I have to look for things, like when I looked out from the bathroom window this morning while I was showering. I pulled the window back so I could see the sky. The sun was coming up above the tree-lined horizon.
There was a warm glow of orange that sort of evolved up from the tops of the trees, which are nearly vacant and naked now.
The autumn has come along and pulled its trick, which means that it is time for me to pull off mine.
I am sorry yet, not sorry at all.
I am here now, in search for that grand idea – to find that purest form and to reach that pasture, to find that place where the rivers run or the sky takes on that heavenly appeal, and yes – lo and behold, I want to find that balance between love and life so that while I am alive and so long as we both shall live, I understand that the world is not always so loving – but at least I can be –
if I choose to.
Today marks a new day. The sun came up.
The world looked pretty. And true, there’s some ugliness about.
But having said what I said and having come here (to find you), I realize that I no longer have to allow an external ugliness to define me.
No –
That job belongs to me.
Well, and you too because as you may or may not know,
You are my absolute everything.
And without you –
I’d be gone . . .
The Written Addiction 