And you run sometimes. You know?
You try to find someplace safe or, if anything, you try to find someplace away from everything that’s been going on behind you.
But it trails – you know?
Life seems to follow you . . . and
You run and you run but eventually, the question becomes, “where are we going?”
What the hell are we doing?
There are times when the energy beneath your skin seems to jump through your body and to hell with it. You just want to get away but at the same time, there’s no way to escape what’s happening. There’s no way to get rid of the scenarios in your head. There’s no way out of the outcomes that are supposedly on their way and as best as you can – you try to find a way to keep it together.
But hey, it’s a bitch!
I get that.
I think about the speed of man and what it takes to run.
Even if you can’t run or even if you can’t move fast, your mind wants out, but your body can’t seem to get you away.
I think about the ability to sweat and to move and push every muscle to the absolute brink. I think about the ability to expel the energies which fester inside and yes, I think about the transference of this energy – to get it out or to get away from it, at least for just a minute.
I think about words like self-care. I think about self-preservation. I think about our ability to endure and our ability to survive. Yes, I think that somehow, as crazy as this place can be – I absolutely believe that there is a way to beat the system.
There’s a way to overcome and to overturn our stories and to make them better.
Better yet, there’s a way to make our life stronger, faster, brighter and bigger than ever before.
In fact, I firmly believe that if we find a way to pull this off, there’s a way to rebuild our life into something that extends beyond the capacity of our best imagination.
I am not a “situation.” I am not a label.
And neither are you.
I am not an outcome or a result.
I am living and breathing. I am growing and learning.
For the record – so are you.
I believe that we make mistakes.
We all do.
Everybody makes mistakes.
But mistakes don’t make us.
However, we often assume that our mistakes define us as people.
But that’s not true.
I offer this as a humble message while sitting alone in the early morning hours, moments before the day begins. I’m in a humble spot, quiet of course and modest like a man without a mask or a shield to hide behind. There’s no flashiness to this entry. There’s no glitz or gleam.
There’s no need for decorative words or for anything of the sort.
This is about happiness.
This is about our ability to overcome.
This is about our ends that justify the means and yes, this is more than about a person’s survival. This goes far beyond the difference between existing and living.
This is more than a thought about self-care, self-preservation and an entry about happiness.
This is about the soul’s right to stand and to rise above the depths of a personal hell. With all that we have and all we can hold, this is more than a note on how to find salvation because with all that I have – this is a means to feel redeemed or to be cleansed; as if to resolve oneself and to be rinsed and washed and to be rid of all the ipso facto bullshit that clogs the arteries of the mind and keeps us from thinking freely.
I commit to the thought that man’s worst prison is located just above his heart. I commit to the discipline that man’s worst prison is his mind; whereas, this is the place where he is the warden and prisoner – all in the same.
I commit to the discipline that the only freedom is the ability to think freely without the burdens of doubt to weigh down upon us – and keep us from being free.
This is about happiness.
This is about the fight to stay alive.
This is about the inner-battles between good and even and self-against-self.
This is about the burden of self and the burden of doubt and the prison of self-shaming dialogues.
This is about the movies we play out in our head and about the scenarios we think about which do nothing else but hurt our feelings.
This is about the one undeniable fact which is yes – you have to save your own life, every day, from now on.
This is about an exchange – prisoner for freedom.
Let the warden lose his job for a while.
Take a break from the personal beatings.
Open up the cages of your solitary confinement.
This is about replacing thought with action.
But more – this is about the roots of our soul.
There’s the birth of our spirit and the rebirth of our daily life, which happens on a daily basis.
This happens consecutively and consistently as well.
This happens until the last day, the last minute, the last second and, of course, our very last breath.
This is what it means to be alive – this can also be called the dichotomy of life –
The inner split between good and evil, right and wrong, happy or sad.
So, for the record:
I understand running. I understand the need to get away or to escape.
I understand what it’s like to be at your wit’s end – or to be worried, confused, frustrated or to be so alone or at least seemingly alone, or to be annoyed, angry, resentful, or to be so discontent – and sure, I understand what it’s like to be out of your head, or to be crazy, or to be fit enough to spit out flames and rage so loud and with so much contempt and rebellion that if we could, we would yell loud enough to crumble the castle walls around us and shatter the bridges that connect the world from one place to another.
Let it all go down, right?
Let it burn!
Let it explode!
Or, let it out and let yourself go free –
Open up the cell door and learn what it takes to walk out and be free
I am writing this with grinding teeth and seething. This is a simple message yet I am writing this in stages or revolution.
This is both a fight, a war, and a rebellion. Yes. This is a fight for life.
This is a fight to save your own life, each day; as in all day, every day, and for the rest of our lives, as in from now and until the hours of our death.
(Amen)
Each year, we count down to a time which is called the holidays. Each year, more and more, we lose good people to the fight against this thing we call depression or mental illness.
Each year, we lose people who lose to their thinking because, eventually, they’ve run and they’ve run and in the end, they came to the conclusion that no matter where we go, we’re always right there.
There is no getting away from “Self.”
It’s here. Right here in that thing you call a chest. There’s your answer.
That’s your heart. That’s your purpose.
That’s the proof that you are really alive.
I know that Socrates was right. All the mind wants is peace.
Peace . . .
He said: Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”
I agree with this.
As a matter of fact, I have decided to base my life and my recovery on this basic truth.
Life is life. And that’s all it is.
I do not have to assume the responsibility of things that do not belong to me. I do not have to be forgiven by anyone else.
I do not need to be pardoned by anyone else but me. Hence, I go back to the mention of man’s worst prison is the one in his mind.
This is where he is both prisoner and warden.
There’s no running away from the guards in this place.
There’s no escaping the mind. But, if we learn to and if we allow ourselves the right to open the cell doors and if we allow ourselves to step away from the jail cells of thought –
maybe we can experience the feel of wind across our body or the sun on our face.
Maybe if we learn to open the door and allow ourselves the right to be free – maybe we can experience a place in the meadow, or a field in the mountains or, my favorite, maybe we can allow ourselves a moment by the shoreline – you know the place, right?
Like Point Lookout, Long Island –
This is where the ocean meets the sand.
This is where Jones Inlet opens up to the Atlantic – or where the tides come in to cleanse the sands –
and take the unwanted sediments out to sea.
Find the key to unlock your door –
Open up
And let yourself go
This way, you won’t have to run anymore because at last –
You’ll finally be where you’ve always wanted to be
Happy –
The Written Addiction 