I have been looking for an answer to my prayers. Then again, I suppose we all are.
Even those who never pray – they have something that they want too.
I’ve been hoping and searching to find “that thing” that has no name yet this is the thing that means everything to us.
This has been an ongoing search and an ongoing pursuit for me – as in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. And too, I have been made aware throughout my life and on countless occasions that happiness changes.
We change too.
We change all the time. We go through physical, emotional and spiritual changes. We evolve and advance through different levels of awareness.
We go through phases in life and we mature. Often, we come full circle.
We go back to where we started, as if to say, “I get it now. I had everything I needed to begin with.”
This is my search. My paths have changed, however, and the course ahead of me is mainly unexplored.
But that’s okay.
It’s time to try something new.
Should this work, then maybe I should allow fate to take it from here.
Maybe I should allow my effort to speak for itself and even more, perhaps, I should allow myself the chance to step outside of this crazy mess we call life.
Then I could step away from all of the senseless and useless arguments (you know?)
Just to breathe the fresh air or to feel the sun on my face, regardless of whether the temperature is cold or warm.
The idea is to let myself go, or to let myself breathe freely, as if to forget about the crazy little incidentals and the stupid madness that I find myself snagged upon.
I can step away. I can do this at any time.
I can disconnect from all the bullshit jazz that we find ourselves caught up in and say to hell with the nonsense drama.
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
It is not too far from me. The door, I mean.
It opens at any time. And there it is, the great outdoors is right outside and I know that all I must do is step outside and take that first step, –
and then I can be free.
Isn’t it crazy?
Isn’t it wild to think about the way we hold ourselves back. It’s amazing to me that we see what we want and more often than not, we fail to reach or try.
More accurately, we fail ourselves because we regard fear or the worries that perhaps what we want might not want us back –
I swear, this is incredible.
This is the thing that keeps people still. Better yet, this is the thing that keeps people complacent in their modes of uncomfortable safety – stuck in a life because they’re afraid to try another one or held back in their mediocrity because, let’s be clear, it takes guts to go for what you dream.
It takes balls to ante up and step up to the table and play your hand –
win or lose, it doesn’t matter.
The reason I mention this is because when we talk about the plans to reach our best levels of happiness, the truth is we know what needs to be done.
We know that we want more for ourselves. We all want better.
All of us do.
We want the dream. We want the moon on a stick and the sun in our pocket.
I get it.
Even if we have the best thing going, we still need to preserve what we have. Still, we always want more, which is fine.
This is good to want to advance or improve, or even at minimum; it’s good to want to update our lives and update our thinking.
This keeps us sharp.
It’s good that we choose not to settle for less. No, really it is.
To be honest, this is more than fine. This is perfect.
No, I say this is absolutely brilliant because this is life inside of us. This is our spirit and our hope and our soul, just bursting to get out and to step onto the scene.
This is our truth, looking to come out and make a grand entrance. Yet, as great as this is and as great as this can be – there is something within us that either holds us back or keeps us from stepping forward.
Why is this?
Is this fear?
Is this doubt?
Is this “that thing” we call insecurity? Is it the demons inside who would rather see us weep than rejoice?
To be clear, I don’t buy into the ideas that talk about fears of success. I am not afraid to succeed.
I don’t think anyone is afraid of success, not at all.
It’s not success that scares people. If anything, it’s the work that it takes to keep our success alive.
Now that can be a scary thing.
We have to work to make sure that our success wasn’t an accident or that it wasn’t just a fluke; that it was real and well-deserved.
See?
That’s it . . .
The thing about being high on the crest of the wave is it’s a beautiful place to be – but no one wants to crash or faceplant right into the surf and pick sand out of their teeth.
No one wants to fall from grace. No one wants the shame of going from being “It” to being “Nobody.”
We have these sets of values and ideas and these hinge on the different variations of failure and success.
It’s bullshit – but it’s still real.
This is what keeps people from trying – it’s not the success.
It’s the work that it takes. It’s the responsibility that comes with succeeding because anything of value needs to be updated and kept, nurtured and cared for.
This is what keeps us stuck or still. This is the problem. It’s the fear of loss – not success. It’s the fear of “making it,” so-to-speak, and then “losing it” just as quickly.
Let’s face it- that’s a bitch!
Happiness is not the problem nor is finding happiness a problem.
It’s the fear of letting our guard down, just in case everything blows up in our face.
It’s the fear of being played for a fool or to open up and be vulnerable before the world.
This is very real.
There is a real fear of enjoying the moment or opening ourselves up for a moment of purity – and this might not be for everyone. I get that.
There are those who are brave enough to step forward, regardless of the risk – in fact, I call them heroes.
There are those who are unafraid and yes, there are those who allow their fears to paralyze them or keep them stuck.
There are those who worry that the happiness they feel can grow to be so big and so beautiful – but what do we do when the moment goes away?
How do you celebrate someone and be so happy, only to worry that one day, they might be gone?
What happens when the joy stops and the fear of losing that joy begins?
This is not a fear of success – this is a fear of loss. Trust me – there are countless people who are out there, worried and living in fear instead of living in the moment.
Believe me.
I suppose the reason behind this entry or the reason behind any of my journals or testimonies is that I want more.
I want to be brave.
I want to dare the line and step out from my existence and see more of what the world has to offer.
I can say that it is brave to smile. I can say that it is brave to love.
It is brave to open oneself up to the various stages of vulnerability and yes, with all of my heart, I would say the bravest quality is to love someone, wholeheartedly, unconditionally and selflessly – and I mean to do this; I mean to love willingly, with all of our might. I mean to give oneself to someone without a meter or some kind of measure that says, I loved you this much; therefore, you have to love me this much too.
I did this for you so this means you have to do that for me as well.
If we think this way, my view is perhaps we have been focusing on the wrong people.
I agree that real love is mutually beneficial. True love is reciprocal and, to be clear, this is the case with all of our friendships, relationships, loves and acquaintances.
In part, we offer ourselves to the wrong people, places and things; thus, when we find ourselves wanting more or wishing for more or feeling unfulfilled and unreplenished.
Here it is, just a month short of the New Year. We’re almost out of this – almost.
But there’s so much more to say and so much more to see and do.
What is it that you want?
What does it look like?
Does it have a name?
Is this a person, place or thing?
I go back to what Bukowski once wrote –
Find what you love and let it kill you . . .
I’d rather find what I love and let this build me.
Let this fill me.
Let this make me crazy.
Let this make me wild.
Let this make me happy –
But let me do what it takes first because otherwise –
What’s the point in finding beauty if you’re not going to allow yourself the vulnerability to touch it and love this forever?
The Written Addiction 