I want to let go . . .
I want to shed that excess skin. Better yet, I want to get down to that thing we call our true self.
Know what I mean?
I want to rid myself of the layers that have formed over the years and as I remove each mask and let go of my shields and weapons of our so-called self-destruction, I want to remove the bricks in the wall. I want to rid myself of the walls around me; and so, as each brick is removed, I want to allow the grace of sunlight to pass through. I want the light to brighten my perspective. I want this to give sight to my incidental blindness and be free from the situational blurs that alter our vision. I want to let the light shine through, as if to dismantle the walls around me; as if to build bridges, not walls, and as if to deconstruct an old world that opens me up and allows new branches of sunlight to shine down and grace my skin.
I want to get rid of the misconceptions of self and be rid of the various lies that come with the whispers of insecurity.
And more, I want to stand tall. I want to stand on my own two feet, proudly as can be and without worry, without fatigue and without the fear that perhaps victory is only short-lived.
I want more.
I want more for myself and for you as well.
I want to remove myself from the imprisoned ideas that keep people locked up in their mind. I also want to find that source of freedom which, again, I go to the different shafts of sunlight. I go to the idea of light that comes through the deconstructing walls, dismantled, brick by brick.
I want to envision this.
I want to see this in different segments of freedom as I take the walls down.
I want to feel the freedom as it surges and builds in my system.
I want to let the light shine through.
I want to feel the new rays of sunlight as it pushes through the blocks that stood between me and the outside world.
Ah, the sun. She is brighter than I imagined.
I want to feel the sun the way I did as a kid, remember?
This was after a long winter – as if to be like that first warm day of spring when the earth thawed and the sky was blue.
The birds were returning.
The greenery of the land was about to return and the red-breasted robins were around to signify the birth of a new season.
I want to experience that same regrowth of life, just like it is in the spring so I can blossom like that first flower.
I can emerge and form.
And as I remove the layers of excess and dismantle the walls and the barriers that kept me from the sun, I want to feel that sense of rebirth.
I want to enjoy and celebrate that feeling of regrowth.
I want to experience life. I want to experience touch as if to be revirginized and new, like a child – even at the age of 51. So yes, I am young again, reborn, regrown and redeemed by the right of my own spirit.
I want to let go.
I want to sigh with relief and feel the weight shed from my shoulders, almost instantly, as if to be enough to say “ah, now that’s much better.”
It is the misconception of self and the barriers and the partitions and the separations that have kept me in the dark.
The truth is that I lived there for way too long.
I want to see now. I want to let the sun touch my face.
I want to let my hand reach out for yours so that I can show you what it feels like to share my sensation of touch.
I have been kept away for way too long and now – I want to be free.
I want to step outside. I want to experience that first breath of fresh air.
But first, I want to be clear . . .
I have never been loyal to myself. Then again, I am not sure that I knew how to be.
I say this because how could anyone be loyal to themselves when (or if) they believed that they are either unworthy or unimportant or worse, how could anyone see themselves clearly in the dark?
How can anyone recognize their truest reflection when they hide behind walls, masks or shields?
Hence, I want to tear down the walls.
Hence, I want to get away from the details that have kept me in solitary for so long.
Hence, I want to be free from that prison of self.
I want to find that four-leaf clover in the grass of a field so big, yet there is only one clover like this. I call this “Mine!”
I want to let my hair feel the wind blow through it. I want to let the sun beam down on my shoulders.
I want to let myself taste the air and smell the grass as if to represent the new creation of life – or the rebirth of self.
Happiness . . .
This is what it means – to let go, to remove myself from the burdens of doubt, to rid myself from the riddles that unfold in the mind and multiply with fear.
I want to remove myself from the subtractions and the divisions of insecure delusions.
Understand?
I want to separate myself from the things that distract my vision and create an inaccurate view or version of who I really am.
And yes – this is who I really am.
I am not tough. I am not strong or weak.
I am a person, flesh and blood.
I am bone and spirit.
Therefore, I want to take it all down, one brick at a time.
I want to rebuild my life and create the platform to which I can launch my future and reach for the sky – and hopefully, if I’m lucky . . .
I can touch a few stars along the way.
It is not far from me now. The sky, I mean.
It is not far from me, the world outside of myself.
Build bridges, not walls.
“Wars are expensive,” is what I was told.
And it’s true.
Wars are expensive.
Hence, I surrender.
Hence, I let go.
Hence, I want to find my way now that the light shines through.
I can see and, therefore, now I know –
There’s a great big world out there.
Beautiful (like you)
Amazing (like us)
Wonderful (like a child)
And perfect . . . . like the way my hand feels
when it’s clasped within yours,
which is incredible.
You know?
The Written Addiction 