I suppose it makes sense to talk about this now.
I suppose if we are looking to find happiness or if we are looking to improve our smiles and find the simple things that boost our spirits, it pays to be aware of the items that steal our smiles or swipe our happiness.
There are thefts in this world that go far beyond the materialistic thefts. There is a theft of service which takes place more commonly than we think.
There’s a term that can be used for the biggest culprit of all.
And that’s a bully.
I want to talk to you about this.
I want to talk about bullying so that I can call this out and, bravely, I want to expose this for the weakness it is –
bullying.
I want to express something that I think about. I want to express my realization that the biggest insult of bullying is not the bullying or the insult itself. It’s the aftermath. It’s the wake of thoughts that remain and leave behind the wreckage in its path.
It’s not the insult or the putdowns that hurt. It’s the remaining thoughts and the shame.
It’s the lingering humiliation and the conversations which take place in our head.
You know the ones, right?
It’s the self talk that causes us to lose our sanity.
“I should have said this. . .”
Or
“I should have done that . . .”
Then there are the combination of thoughts and rehearsals of what we wished we could have (or would have) said.
The only problem is the moment is over. It’s only the shame that stays around.
This is the theft.
Do you see?
This is the real devastation behind the insults.
I am someone who understands this from a personal perspective. I was bullied.
Yes, sure I was.
I admit it.
I did my share of bullying as well.
I say this with full transparency because, to me, honesty is more important than prosperity.
I go back to that idea that I learned a long time ago.
You can save your face or your ass, but you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.
I agree with this; therefore, I hold myself accountable for my actions and I call myself to the truth. Therefore, I expose this both honestly and accurately to keep a better faith between us.
My bullying of others was a pass of the torch, which I regret. Humbly, I did to others what I detested the most when it was done to me.
Again, I say this because this is what bullying does.
Bullying is a social illness which is equally contagious as it is deadly.
Now . . .
Let’s talk about this.
No one has to go too far back in their memories to find a time when either they were hurt or insulted. We all have moments of public humiliation and memories of insults or times when we were either embarrassed or shamed or hurt.
I have given presentations regarding the energy of our thinking. I have stood in front of groups from the ages of grade school to up the ladder in the corporate levels.
I have discussed this to roomfuls of people.
All of them nodded to the truth about the ideas that remain after a conversation that either went unfavorably or unfairly.
Why do we hold these memories?
One could say we are trying to find accountability for our emotions.
We want to be rid of the shame yet the more we relive and insult, the more we revive the chemistry in our system.
The more we revive the chemistry in our system, the more we relive the insult and re-feel what happened when the insult took place.
Why do we relive old conversations that were unfavorable?
Why do we rehearse them in our mind and relive them or try as we might, why do we look to re-litigate past arguments? We do this when, in fact, there is no going back and there is no way to change the outcomes of what took place.
But wait – this journal is supposed to be about happiness, right?
Isn’t this supposed to be about finding things, like money in your pocket or an old random photograph in a drawer and out of nowhere, the picture brings us to a time that was long ago but never forgotten.
Well, this is true.
My reason for this entry, as well as this journal, is to find happiness. My aim here is to find this regardless of whether times are happy or life is simple.
My idea is to create a forcefield, so-to-speak, or a protective layer to insulate us from the bullies and the social predators around the world.
Let’s be clear – bullying is not (and will never be) limited to the hallways in public schools or to the fights and the beatings that took place on the playground.
I have seen bullies of all shapes, sizes, races, sexes and ages. I have seen bullies in all positions from entry level to executive level.
I have seen corporate bullies do their deeds and I have met the physical bullies and the passive/aggressive bullies.
I have seen the sneak-thieves and the behind-your-back slanders and yes, I have seen the people who run the rumor mills at the gossip factories.
And they love to work late . . .
But again, this is not about that. This is about us.
This is about our ability to insulate ourselves from the outside influence of those who would prefer to either destroy or distract our happiness.
I have never met a happy bully.
No, not once.
Perhaps bullies pull of their trick because they lack a happiness of their own.
To bully someone is a theft of their joy.
This is to steal someone’s happiness and like a weed, this is what suffocates the roots of someone else’s spirit (so the weed can live); In which case, a person can literally wilt and die because they lack the nutrients to their soul.
And yeah –
I’ve heard people say, “You need to thicken your skin” or “Don’t take it so personally.”
Maybe this is true.
Or, maybe people need to stop being assholes . . .
This could be true too, no?
I remember being a kid and hearing, “I’m rubber. You’re glue. Whatever you say, bounces off of me and sticks to you.”
Sure, this was a cute little comeback.
But the truth is, I am not rubber. You are not glue,
Mean things hurt and I am neither tough nor impenetrable.
So, then . . .
What can I do?
How do I find that feeling of discovering loose change or that small, unexpected and almost random reward that can bring out my smile?
Surroundings are everything.
I may not have a long list of people who I can call my friends; however, the friends I have are the kind of friends who have allowed me to view myself in a brand new light.
I was told, “Stick with the winners.”
And I agree with that idea.
Stick with people who build you up instead of look to tear you down.
I used to look to master the art of sarcasm.
But to be honest, I don’t have the time or the patience to banter back and forth with quick little insults.
Not anymore.
Besides, I have grown folk’s business to take care of now.
I want you to know this –
Part of why I am here and part of why I’ve kept going with over 18 books published and more than 32 years clean and sober, and part of why I do public presentations and speaking, and part of why I have refused to quit or give up on myself is because I have someone like you in my life.
This is why I come here each morning.
You have become my rock (and my redeemer) and beyond anything else, you have become my sounding board.
You are my shelter from the storm.
You are my hope and my spirit and yes, you are my heart, my love, my drive, my purpose, and without any doubt in my head – you are the reason why I stand up in the morning after I put my feet on the floor.
There are people in this world who will cheer for your success, even when your success surpasses theirs. There are people who will straighten you up when you’re bending. There are people who will tell you that you are not reaching your best – and to “Stop your shit!” because they know you are capable of better; or more, they know you are greater than you think.
You . . .
I was blind until you.
But you opened my eyes
And now I can see.
I am more than who I thought I was.
I am more than what I believed.
But even more, I am more capable than I ever allowed myself to believe because before you, I never tried or dared to stand tall because before you, I never believed that I had the ability to do anything else, but more of the same.
The people in your life are valuable.
Invest your time with the ones who matter because investing in the bullies and the bullshit egos of fake friends will rip you apart.
This will break you down and do nothing else but teach you that you are unworthy when meanwhile – you are worth more than anything else in this world.
So go ahead, Mr. Mirror.
Show me that I’m beautiful.
Show me that I can smile.
Show me that I am more than I ever believed because someday, I want to repay the kindness that was done for me –
so I can help someone else
(the same way you helped me).
The Written Addiction 