I think that since this journal is designed to discover happiness, then it is important to go back to the very basic steps to either define or discover what the word happiness means.
To be happy or to be content, or satisfied. Or more, to have a presence of something that either withstands or endures beyond the circumstances around us.
To be happy; as in to be unmoved by sadness or undeterred by the harshness of our life’s situations and by this, we can feel and process and go through life without allowing instances or situations to imply emotions and dictate our best levels of “self.”
The definition of self: One’s personal being or that which distinguishes us from the others.
Self . . .
This is where it all begins: With self.
Here’s another word that needs to be discussed.
This word is simple and used often, if not daily.
The word is “Enough.”
Enough: as in, as much as it takes to be required or requested.
To receive or give the quantity specified.
To be enough to yourself or to someone else, as if to say there is no one else and nobody else who could fill your shoes or take your place because in this case, to be enough means that who you are is perfect “enough” to dare it all, to take a risk, to walk away or towards, or to go to any lengths because what I have (or what you have) is literally “more” than enough for me (or us) to stand up and to stand tall with both feet on the ground – our chin is up, shoulders are back.
Our eyes look forward and not averted because of fear or doubt or shame-based assumptions.
Safe to say that if we are not enough in our own hearts, then how would it be possible to understand or find that special reservoir within us to be happy for more than a situational or specific moment in time.
Am I enough?
Are you?
Is what we want and what we dream enough to dare the fears or to dare the odds?
Good or bad, possible or not; to dare the odds is a brilliant idea.
The odd against us – okay to dare them, which means our drive and our spirit needs to be strong enough to stand up as tall as we can and reach for our dreams.
Is what we want enough to make us get up in the morning?
And more than just brushing our teeth or feeding our bellies with breakfast; and even more than the morning cup of coffee or tea, or whatever the choice may be; is what we want for ourselves and our life and essentially, is what we want for our happiness enough to motivate us to do what needs to be done?
If not, then the question becomes why?
What’s holding us back?
Or to make this simple –
What held me back?
I allow this question to personalize this from a subjective standpoint. I give this a humanized version to allow for an easier perspective.
Yes, I understand this is me; however, by allowing this to be personal, I can animate to create a better depth.
I can define this in a different light and to make this understandable, I can say that yes – I wanted to be happy and no, I failed to do what it took to make this happen.
Yes, I wanted more. But no, I failed to do what it took to get or gain the momentum it would take to be where I wanted to be.
I had to abandon my fears. I had to abandon my inventory of shame, blame, guilt, fault and regret.
I had to ignore my inaccurate and insecure version of self. Most importantly, I had to remove myself from the judgment of whether I am deserving or not deserving of the life I wanted.
This includes the dreams I had and have, and the love I have always wanted to share.
What held me back?
Doubt is a killer. Shame is even worse. The judgments from within and past betrayals and old tapes that play in the mind – all of these things are dream killers.
Items like this are what drains our ambition.
Essentially, I had to lose everything (more than once) to realize that what I have and what I want has always been present.
Only, this has to come from within first.
What held me back?
I was never comfortable with people or in crowds. I have experience with trauma. I have been hurt. I have been exposed in ways that were both hurtful and humiliating. Through fear, my emotional quicksand drowned me to the depths where I was unable to see clearly.
There is something within me that folds inwards and assumes the worst. I offer this to be honest.
This is not said as a means to ask for pity or concern. Quite oppositely, I say this is a position of strength because to admit this is to be brave and to be brave means that I have worth. To have worth means that I have to be “enough” because otherwise, none of this would be worth it.
See?
I offer this as a thread of honesty which is only true because these are real features of my life.
I have a roadmap which evolved from my past and which is what has led me up to where I am now.
I am like that “You Are Here” mark on a map in the middle of the mall or an amusement park.
I am here now.
What held me back is what prevented me from trying or daring and again; more importantly, what held me back is what kept me from reaching my best possible potential.
This kept me from being happy and comfortable in my own skin because, put simply, in my own eyes and in my best estimation, I was afraid that I was never enough, that I was unworthy, and that I would never be enough. Since this was true, I was afraid that no one would ever accept me. No one would ever truly want me and if they did, this would only be temporary until finally, this is when they’d see the real me and realize that I was not “enough” or that I was not the person they believed me to be.
Hence, once more, I wouldn’t be enough for them – or better yet, I was just not worth it.
It took the bottom falling out for me to realize that happiness is much more simple than we assume.
Yes, happiness is all around, even in the darkest times; alas, there’s still a spark and yes, so long as there is still a spark, darkness can never truly survive.
What does it take for me or you or for anyone to be happy?
First and foremost, we have to be enough.
We have to understand our worth and our value.
I was never enough and since this was true to me, no one else could (or would) ever be enough because in my best assumptions, anyone or anything in my life would only be temporary.
At best, love could only be temporary because no matter how loved or valued I was – I was not loved or valued from within.
And that’s why I am here.
Hence, this is the reason for this journal and henceforth, this is the reason for the journals that will come afterwards.
Now, after outlining the details from my perspective of not being, “enough,” the question has to become what do we do now?
How do we improve our worth and our value to believe that we are enough?
I have news for you that is neither good or bad but only true.
It takes work. This takes effort.
Our efforts and the depth of our commitment are the factors and the details that determine the measures of our worth and our success.
I have had to learn this the hard way.
I have had to forfeit everything and find myself alone to learn that I have (and had) more than I ever realized.
I used to wonder why anyone would “want” me or “like” me or, better yet, I used to wonder if anyone could ever “love” me.
If they did, or if someone chose to like, want or love me, would they stay the course? If so, why me?
Why would they choose me?
Why would anyone want me?
I ask this because the question comes down to this:
How could anyone like, want or love me if I never believed that I was enough for anyone?
I include myself in this because if I cannot want, like or love myself; or if I cannot see my own worth or if I do not see my own value or know what I bring to the table – how could I possibly believe that someone else would love me “enough” to be true to their word to love me back?
How could I believe anyone would be true to the commitment that yes, they chose me, and yes, their choice is not temporary; but more so, how could I believe this is to be forever if forever was too much for me to consider?.
I want to be enough.
I want to be happy.
If this is so, then I have to dig deep.
I have to remember this on the occasions when all else is dark and I have to find that spark.
I have to stoke the tiniest glimmer, albeit small at times because no matter how small or minuscule that source of light may be, as long as there is light or the tiniest spark, then darkness can never prevail.
Are you enough –
My answer is absolutely.
Before I declare this, I offer the truth that yes, I have never been true to anyone long enough to say that I am always truthful.
So what would make you different from anyone else?
The answer is simple – This is because you are YOU!
No one else can match or duplicate what YOU have.
You are enough!
My problem is that I was never enough.
This means my vision was askew or crooked or off-center; hence, I was unable to see the world clearly.
I am sorry that I never showed you this before.
I am sorry that I never told you this.
I should have told you this a long time ago.
You are more than enough.
And so am I . . .
This is not the challenge.
The challenge has become that we need to be enough for ourselves.
We have to be enough for “Us!” because no matter how valuable anything or anyone else is – if we are not enough for us, then how can I be enough for them?
In order to find self-worth, we have to promote our self-care . . .
I see that now, more than ever.
I offer this to you from the most humble and personal perspective because quite honestly, there is no one in the world more worthy of your life than you are.
And me, well . . .
Whether I am chosen to be in your life until the end or if I am only your humble narrator for the moment – just know that you are worth far more than you believe.
I ask you to see it this way.
I ask this because as someone who faces my own struggles of self-worth and as I deal with the casualties of my own internal war, it’s hard when you see someone so amazing (like you) be so unsure of their own beauty,
So, trust me . . .
You are enough.
Beautiful too.
You just need to surround yourself with a worthy life that is beautiful enough for you.
Okay?
The Written Addiction 