Perhaps the question I have isn’t so much as to ask how do we find happiness. Nor does the question become where do we look. However, and more valuable is the question that asks, how do we keep our pleasure center intact? How do we find rewards in unrewarding times?
I think this is important to talk about.
How do we feed our spirit on days when our motivation is low? Better yet, I will refer to a paraphrased quote from the first American Judo Championship gold medalist, AnnMaria Demars, who said, “You’re not training to be your best. You’re training to be your best on your worst day.”
I think this is brilliant.
But at the same time, I have to ask how do we do this?
How do we keep our drive intact when our motivation is low or our reward system is otherwise unrewarded?
I like this idea.
I like the idea about training to be at your best even when you’re at your worst.
I like this because it accentuates the fact that we are not always at our best. This illustrates the truth which means that we are going to have days that will be unenjoyable and we will go through times that may seem to be unendurable. Therefore, to be our best means that even when all is down and the power is out, the lights are off and the times are unkind, we can still achieve. We can still produce and more than anything, we can still progress and achieve, even on days when achievements would otherwise be unlikely.
I love this way of thinking.
I love this because this allows us to admit that we are not impenetrable. We are not perfect, nor are we intended to be.
As much as I love and care for you (and us) the truth is there are going to be days that prove the quote, “when it rains, it pours.”
We will have days when, unfortunately, it’s hard to stand up. Yes, it’s hard to get out of bed. There will be days when we swear that we can’t even take another step.
There will be days when our loneliness is unstoppable and there will be times of despair. There will be times where pain is the only thing we notice and without any doubts in our mind, there will be moments when fear takes over.
I’m afraid now.
I’m afraid to fail. I’m afraid that I will never reach the surface and that I will drown in my doubts that, at some point, I will never find my place in the circle.
Sure, I’m afraid of this.
Then again, I’m still here, every morning.
(Aren’t I?)
There are going to be times when we either freeze or we go forward.
There will be times when we are absolutely heroic.
There will be times when we are at the other end of the spectrum.
There will be times when no matter what we do – we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
I know this is true.
And so do you.
But no matter what, we still have to move.
We have to hustle.
We have to find that spark or grab hold of that tiny glimpse of motivation.
Mom always said, “Nobody ever promised you a rose garden.”
She told me this is how life is.
Nothing worthwhile comes easily.
Perhaps this is why you and I have had so many ups and downs, no?
I have said this to you before in other journals.
And I say this again because as we face this next turn and ready ourselves for the next day in this so-called life, – it’s true, we want the best.
We can wish for the best but as much as we want life to be easy and times to be smooth, nothing comes without faults or flaws. Not us. Not life. Not you. Not me.
Not the past nor the future.
So? If this is true, the question is where do we store our energy?
How do we keep our drive alive in times when all else is draining?
Where do we keep the emotional tourniquets to stop the emotional hemorrhaging?
What do we do at times when things are hard and life is tough?
How do we keep our eyes on the prize, so-to-speak?
How do we keep ourselves from the distractions of doubt?
When we think we don’t have what it takes, how do we defy that nonsense?
How do we step up once more and dare to be counted?
I wish I had the exact answer for everyone.
I wish there was a one-size-fits-all with this.
I wish there was a button I could push because I would push it twice – or maybe even three times. Just for us. Just so we would never have to go back to the pain or bouts with sadness.
I wish there was a magic pill, which I used to think that this was. However, in my drug free journey of more than 32 years, the longer I have stayed away from drugs or alcohol, and the more I have seen as a specialist, and the more I see on the news and the more I see our society imploding as people revolt against themselves and die to either a crutch related or self-inflicted, but avoidable death, I know there is no such thing as a magic pill. And I know there is no magic button.
I’d have pushed it if there was.
I know that I am not perfect. I know that I am capable of both great and not-so-great things. I’m going to say the wrong things at the worst times. I wish this weren’t so.
There will be fights and arguments. There will be unavoidable moments, mishaps, pitfalls, downfalls and, without any doubt, there will be days when the world is not the friendliest. Although times are not optimal, nothing has the right to keep us from being our best self. No one has the right to steal our smile. I say this with dedication too because the day I allow someone to steal my smile is the same day I have allowed them to steal me.
I don’t like thieves.
I don’t like when someone steals from me either.
This is not to say that I don’t mind being stolen.
In fact, I’d love to be stolen. That’s right.
I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be over the top.
I want to feel love to the point where although times might not always go my way – still, at least I have a semblance of self. At least I have a semblance of sanity and so, to keep at least the tiniest bit of sanity, I know that it can’t rain forever. But lastly, whether the sun shines or not or the moon is full or otherwise; at least I know that I have me. I have you. We have us. The rest is just unimportant bullshit.
I have to adjust my sights when the wind blows. I have to aim for my target and yes, I can’t say that I am going to hit every shot – but at least I have the ability to shoot. If I miss, there is nothing to prevent me from taking aim and shooting for my dreams again.
I have the ability to try. I have the ability to readjust and to recover.
I have the right to improve. And I love this right.
I have the right to address myself at the end of the day and come to a constructive conclusion.
No one can sop this.
But also, there are going to be times when I am tired. There will be times when things are not going to go as planned.
I know this.
Therefore, I can do one of two things –
I can allow myself to sink into the sad versions of rejective thinking, which are blame, shame, guilt, fault and regret, or I can take a breath. I can move and allow action to replace thinking.
I can readjust. I can go back at it again.
But I can’t quit.
Then again, I have not quit.
I’ve endured.
I’ve fallen.
I’ve learned to get back up.
I’ve fallen again and made the same mistakes more than twice.
I know this –
I don’t know how I get up sometimes,
but I do. Somehow.
I don’t think it is helpful to hear people tell me, “But you’re so strong,” because In fairness, I could stand to be a little weaker.
I could go through less bullshit and be less tough.
That would be just fine.
I’m not so strong and I’m not so tough.
And that’s fine too.
But I am here which stands to prove that I am stronger and tougher than I think.
I can say the same thing for you as well.
No?
In the end, all I want is peace – I want this to happen.
I want to be able to find peace even when I find myself in unpeaceful times.
Therefore, I have to get up and move. I have to work. I have to exercise.
I cannot lay down and allow myself to be trampled beneath the stampede of life.
By any means, no matter what, I cannot give up.
Absolutely not. Hence, this is why I am still here.
This is why I cooked and cleaned my apartment.
I have to keep moving. I have to act “as if!”
I have to keep stepping towards my goals to make my dreams come true. And another thing, if I am to cross the threshold of my dreams, this will mean that I refused to give way. I refused to quit when times were hard. If I miss or I never make it, no one can ever say that I went down without a fight.
That’s what this is. It’s a fight.
I have told you that we have to save our own lives on a daily basis.
And that’s what I’m doing.
Oh, and as for being stolen.
As for being in love.
I know this is real.
Otherwise, neither of us would be here right now –
This means you and I are here for a reason.
Fate did not lie to us and neither will destiny.
We just have to keep moving – even when we don’t want to move. More so, no matter what, we have to keep going even when we think we can’t go another step.
This is the commitment that I make to myself (and to you).
I have to do it this way.
Otherwise, we’ll sink. We’ll drown.
Or like ashes after the fire, we will simply vanish and wither away.
That’s not what I’m here to do.
And guess what?
Neither are you.
Right?
The Written Addiction 