This one here . . .
This one is from the heart.
So, by now, we have talked about finding the little things which make us happy.
We’ve talked about the greatest finds in our life, such as unexpected money in our pockets and other things like that. We talked about the unexpected pleasures of being reminded of happy times. We talked about love.
We talked about navigation and how to maneuver through this crazy life of ours.
Wild, isn’t it?
We talked about redemption and our personal release from our past or past mistakes. Better yet, we are moving forward now, as if to be on a trip, which we are.
This is a journey. Though my trip is not quite the same as yours, at least we are here together.
At least, we have a place where we can find warmth and perhaps a mutual sense of understanding which is enough to bounce from the ground up so maybe, if we’re lucky, we can reach for some of the stars – together.
I have heard people talk about finding their “safe space” or that “happy place” in our mind.
I’ve written scripts for basic hypnosis and relaxation techniques. At the same time, I am here to build that safe space for myself. Or like yesterday –
I told you about my dream home, which is not so big or mansion-like.
No, the home of my dreams is real to me. This is realistic and attainable. This can happen. I can do this.
I know I can.
I can build a house. I can build the life I want because as I mentioned to you yesterday, I can see this.
I can see this as real as I can see my fingers as I type this entry to you.
I have a plan, which is unfolding as we speak. I am somewhat building the airplane as we fly, which is crazy too but this is fine for now. I understand the dangers of crash landings which is why I say that my goals are both realistic and attainable. But I can’t allow another day to pass without making my dreams come true.
I can do this.
I can maneuver through the so-called obstacles in front of me and as I learn and as I grow, I can turn these obstacles into opportunities, which is what I am here to do.
I’m here to create something that no one else can.
I have this idea in mind. This is what my happy place looks like.
I have a safe space too. To stop your curiosity, this is where I am now.
This is the point of all my journals.
I have to come here, each morning, and like confession before Sunday’s mass, I come here to open up and confess my truths. I come here to speak about my dreams.
I am here to find my happiness and to rebuild my life, one stick at a time.
I admit that life has a way of humbling us.
This is why I mentioned The Little Drummer Boy to you.
This is why I offered you my drum so-to-speak. I mean this in a figurative sense.
My drum is more like a symbol of what I have, which is small, like a seed of hope – to which my hope can be planted in the heart, just like a seed, and this can grow and flourish.
This can grow like a garden where dreams come from.
If we care for it, that is.
However, in all humility and transparency, I offer you this because while my so-called drum is small and while this might not seem like much – to me, this is everything that I have.
Therefore . . .
I want to put this all on the line.
I want to sing and dance.
I want to enjoy the pastures and the sea and the heights of mountaintops. I want to enjoy the world – and even if I see none of this, or even if all I see is the back and forth journey that goes to and from work; or if all I see is more of the same – then let me see this with new eyes and a brand new heart.
Let me be me.
At the same time, allow me to introduce myself to the new future which is happening right now, as we speak.
And so what?
Even if all I see is the same woman who sits on the ground next to the coffee shop in Grand Central Station by the shops, and even if I hear as she yells at the people passing her by again and again; and whether I am on “the good list” or if this Christmas brings me coal this year – let me see things differently.
Let me offer myself in a brand new way. Let me remove the ties which have held me back for as long as I can remember.
Let me let go of all the bullshit and stupid little mind-fucks that we put ourselves through.
Let me say to hell with the critics. To hell with my self-centeredness. To hell with my insecurities and to hell with the past mistakes and my old limitations.
To hell with all of that.
To hell with the things I never did or the places I never saw.
To hell with the things that I wished I could have said.
To hell with the things I wished I could have done.
None of them are relevant to what I need to do now.
This is it –
I have this tiny drum which is, like I said, only a symbol.
It is small but this drum is a symbol of my life and my love. It is humble but it is me which means that, with all that I have, I offer you all that I have because at this point, I understand the true definition of worth and value.
So?
What’s my safe space?
What does my happy place look like?
Mine is simple.
I used to believe in the magic of wealth and fancy gadgets.
I used to think that my happy place needed to be huge or extravagant, which is not to say that my dreams are too modest to allow for this to happen.
But more, I have come to the conclusion that happiness is lost to us because of our personal complications.
We lose ourselves to misunderstandings of worth and truth.
It seems as if people misplace their value . . .
Value –
This is what something deserves or the level of its importance.
Value means more than money or the size of my 401K. This is more than the sum of my retirement plan and more than my yearly earnings.
My value is my worth; this is my system of principles and standards.
This is the strength and the meaningfulness of my word because, after all, if a person doesn’t have their word, then what do they have?
If a person’s word has no value, then their words mean nothing.
Their words are just words that exit the mouth and dissipate like the invisible air, and just like that, they vanish into nothing else but a forgotten atmosphere.
Meaningless as ever.
This little drum that I give you – this is bigger than anything else in the world because this symbolizes the size of my hope and the wealth of my heart, which is limitless when it comes to you.
Ah, my happy place.
My safe space.
My place on earth and my tiny corner of the world.
This is my manifestation of what I want to see. I want to experience a rainy day in bed. I want to enjoy the candlelight on a quiet evening.
I want to hear the wind blow outside during a snowstorm and while the weatherman calls for the coldest day ever, I would be fine to stay inside where the warmth outshines the candlelight and even a burning fire could not come close to the warmth of our glow.
I want a summer’s day on the beach. I want a morning in springtime after the winter decides to let go of its grip. The ground has thawed. The trees are returning to green. The air is sweet. The sky is blue.
I want a day like this one.
I am here to design this and to define my place of perfection. Since this is about happiness and finding our happiness, I want to find this in the simplest way possible – and it’s right here.
This is all right in front of us.
Can’t you see it?
There are some people who travel the world and see everything yet they have never seen what I have seen.
They have never walked down the street in the City that never sleeps
They never felt something, like love, or lust, or like a child would feel when they were allowed to play outside – as if to be free in such a way – or as if to play hooky like we did when we were supposed to be in school or at work.
(Remember?)
My life is small and humble yet there are people who have traveled the world and have an endless bank account. But to me, they missed the big picture.
I was once told that only poor people say the things that I just said to you.
And maybe this is true.
But I am not poor. I am humble.
There’s a difference –
I have learned so much from this and from you.
I have learned that both you and I are far more valuable than we realize which is why I offer this to you. Take this.
This is my life, my stories, and yes, even my little symbolic drum.
Take it.
I give this to you with all of my heart.
I want to go to that safe space of mine.
I’d like to take you with me.
I’d like to show you around.
I’d like to imagine you there with me, with you, and watch as the world turns around.
I am at the start of an unknown geography.
I am here in a new place and facing a new life which may or may not take shape as quickly as I’d like.
But no one can ever say that I didn’t open up.
No one can ever tell me that I was dishonest about this because, in all honesty, I have come here to expose my truths as well as my lies.
I am here to improve.
I come here to advance my position and make my way towards that dream I was telling you about.
I go to back to the words of my friend, Mr. Jiminy Cricket himself as he sang When You Wish Upon a Star –
He sang: when your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme.
Well, here’s my dream. And here’s my wish.
Here’s my offering and with all of my heart, here are the notes that bounce like sticks across the face of my drum –
I want you to have this.
I want you to take this and go and run and look at the sky and know whether the day is bright or the sky is gray; or whether this comes to you in the morning hours or in the evening – I want this to be yours.
I offer this to you because a long time ago, I was told that we give ourselves away – at least to someone who deserves us.
I was told that “I have to give it away to keep it” and if this is true, then please allow me to offer this to you.
I ask this because as we move closer to the end of this journal, we are also moving closer to a new year.
This means that soon, the ball will drop in Times Square and soon after that, they will sing the song Auld Lang Syne.
I have a scene in a favorite move of mine, which takes place just like this.
It’s amazing to think how another year has come and gone . . .
I’m still here though. And do you know what?
So are you.
The Written Addiction 