It is the time of year where all around us is dressed in holiday lights. It’s Christmas time. While this is a time for hope and a time for giving, there are people who do not share the same sentiment or find the same enjoyment for this time of year.
And I get it. . .
I really do.
I walked from the supermarket last night where four young people stood with their trumpets and saxophones and played Christmas music.
They played well and stood with a Salvation Army donation bucket by their side.
I didn’t think much about the bucket. But more, I thought about the songs they played.
I thought about the meaning behind the songs and the truthfulness and purity of thoughts that I have, like the spirit of giving and hope yet – I thought about my life.
I thought about my ups and downs and the people who have little to nothing at all yet there are people who have far more than they realize – like me, for example, but to people who assume they have nothing or no one, or to those who have everything and they still seem to feel empty – a millionaire can still be as broke and alone, if not more so than a person who is otherwise penniless and humble.
I have mentioned to you my thoughts on The Little Drummer Boy. I talked to you about my sentiments of how he had so little yet in the tiniest of all things came the biggest of all gifts.
I want that for us.
I want that for you.
I want that for myself.
I want that for everyone.
However, we are all too deep in our own minds.
We are too afraid to reach or grasp for the things we want the most.
We are too programed to believe a certain way; hence, doubt seems to outweigh the purity of our dreams.
I get that . . .
But going back to the four who played the music in front of the supermarket –
I took a few bills out of my pocket and sunk them into the red bucket for the Salvation Army.
I pushed the bills through the slot with a specific intention and a thought in mind.
I walked away and I wept.
Yeah – I wept.
I don’t want anyone to be alone this Christmas.
Better yet, I don’t want anyone to be in a crowd yet “feel” alone this Christmas.
I don’t want anyone to feel that way ever – to feel or to have that sense of utter lonesomeness or that out-of-place mindset; that unworthy, worthless, or meaningless thought, which is hard to live with. More to the point, this is why so many have a hard time during this time of year.
There is a spirit of goodness and truth yet there is an internal idea that rots and decays our sanity and better judgment.
There is a misconception of self and thus, we find ourselves in despair, quietly and silently but even more so, we deal with this inwardly. Therefore, people on the outside might never see this. But we do – every time we look in the mirror – we see this as plain as we see our own reflection – imperfections and all.
What I am about to share is not something I can share in too much detail.
I cannot reveal the text messages in their entirety, but, at the same time – I think those who were involved with this would not mind what I am about to share with you.
With the exception of this year, I have been setting up a holiday text message for people who are in crisis or who have trouble during the holidays season because of a seasonal challenge, depression or suicidal thoughts.
Some of the texts read very simple –
“Thank you.”
Nothing else was said. I’m not sure what the “Thank you” was for, at least not exactly.
Maybe this was for the fact that someone out there acknowledged that yes, this is a tough time of year and no, you are not alone.
I like to think that this is what that “Thank you” meant.
Someone once texted –
“I’m not going to make it.”
“Yes. You. Are.”
And this person did make it.
This person texted every year – except for this one.
Another one read –
“I just wish she was still alive.”
There are no words that comfort loss. There is no preparation for the loss of a loved one. There are no words that can fill the empty void of a loss like this.
I am sure we can all agree on this.
But perhaps this is not what the text was intended to do.
Maybe this is just a need to be acknowledged –
Maybe not being normal or as happy or feeling the way that everyone else is supposedly feeling is more normal than we think.
Maybe this was someone reaching out, just to say, “Hey, I’m really hurting over here – and I’m alone.”
Rather than steer the conversation or compare my life or my notes to someone else –
I decided to allow myself to turn to my core.
What would a loss like this mean to me –
To lose someone
To be alone at a time where family means everything and the memories of the old days or the times when everyone was still alive and Christmas meant that I was going to be somewhere with my family – all of them, and yet, what does this look like to me, because as the years go by, unfortunately, there are empty spaces at the table – or for some of us, there is no table anymore. Everyone is gone. There are no more Christmas or holiday cards.
There are no more invites or calls or decorations or anything like that.
One text read –
“I hate this time of year.”
“Me too.”
I can’t wait for the holidays to be over.
“Me too!”
“I don’t feel very merry.”
“Me neither.”
At least there was an outlet here.
No judgment. No direction.
No inquiries for advice.
Just an outlet to yell or scream or rant or weep.
Nothing else. . .
I like the idea of hope. I like the idea that yes, somewhere, a Savior is born and that somewhere, hope and peace and goodwill is on the way.
I like the idea of forgiveness and that all of our sins are instantly washed away, removed, and that we are redeemed and we are free from the concepts of self or the sad degrading ideas that somehow, we are unworthy or worthless or worse, we are not even worth a phone call, just to say hi . . . I’m thinking of you..
I told you about the bucket for the Salvation Army.
I pushed my donation in the bucket with all of this in mind.
I pushed my donation in the bucket with an intention and with that:
I wished for comfort to come to the uncomfortable.
I wished for the miracle to come.
I wished for peace between us.
I wished for the answer to come and for us to be where we want to be together in this world.
At least, I hope to be together but that’s my wish.
You are free to have your own.
I wished for the absence of our troubles and the awareness of our worth.
I wished for you and I to be someplace better, this time next year. While I have no answers and no clear picture of what the upcoming year will look like, with all of my heart and with all that I have, my wish is very simple.
I want to see us rise to the level of our intentions.
I want to see us in a better light.
I want another moonlight over Miami and a night where in fact – I did feel like a king.
I want to see us happy and healthy.
And more, I want to feel this sense of sadness as it vanishes away, disappears, like a magic trick and somehow – on the morning of Christmas day, I’d like that feeling that comes, innocent, wholesome and pure, like it did when we were kids, like it did when we were still young enough to have that uninterrupted sense of hope that Santa came and that yes, the snow on the ground is more than snow, but magical, as if to be shaved from the ice of angels –
I want this.
I have sat in empty churches in the back pews looking up at the altar and staring at The Son of Man. I have pleaded and prayed and I have reconciled with my faith and chosen to separate with the forced or the manmade version of God or what God is supposed to mean.
I plan to do this on Christmas Eve.
Alone, yes. But that’s okay.
I have something to say to The Man upstairs which is only between He and I (for now).
I don’t know much about this – to be honest.
I only know that in my heart, I have feelings and thoughts and ideas and yes, I have a Christmas list.
I even have a phone number which I call each year. And yes, it’s Santa.
Each year, I call and ask Santa for my gifts.
I tell him what I want. I tell him that I know I might have misbehaved a few times but deep down, I know I’m a good boy.
I know I am.
I know that I have more than I assume.
I know that I am worth more than I have figured and yes, I know that there is truth to the beauty of this season which is also bittersweet.
I call this number every year –
951-262-3062
I called this morning too.
I might not have had the guts to tell you –
But maybe that’s because I was afraid my wish wouldn’t come true (If I told you).
I called to ask for hope. I called to ask for a sign from above.
I called to ask for a note or a sign or something from those who know, just to let me know that yes, love is real and yes, there is love out there for me.
I called to ask for help.
I called to ask for you.
I called to ask for us to be okay – for you to be okay and regardless of the way times are and despite what I may see as hard times, I asked for the spirit of this holiday to come and wipe away the doubts and all of our concerns.
It was a tough decision this year – to not open the text thread.
But the text thread was not something that I was able to do.
It’s funny though. Or, maybe it’s sad.
No one texted first this year.
No one asked.
Maybe no one else cared.
But I do.
I really do.
So it is, a time has come where hope and peace are to come for us.
This is a time to rid us from despair.
And so it comes, another year.
And so it goes, another year has passed and we are still here, together, connected in this crazy world of ours.
I have more than a drum for you because I am more than a little drummer boy.
I have more than my heart and more than my wish, I have all of my love and all of my soul.
I have all that I need to make this journey – and while I might not be exactly where I want to be this year –
I know that I still have the right to improve which means I have the ability to make my dreams come true.
I want to offer this to you.
I want to let my soul go free enough to touch the wind so that when it blows, the winds can blow my kiss to you, wherever you are because no matter where you might be – you are never further than my deepest heart.
I promise you that.
I’m not sure if there will be peace on earth.
I don’t know if the donation I gave the Salvation Army will reach its intended destination.
I don’t even know if Santa will listen to my message this year.
Nor do I know if he ever listens.
But I still called anyway.
Maybe I wasn’t a good boy this year.
But my heart is good.
I know it is –
Why else would I weep?
Why else would I see the variations of color when it comes to the contrast of hope and hopelessness?
I know that my heart is pure and my dreams are true.
I wish for this each year –
And also, I wish for you
For me
For both of us
Forever.
It’s beautiful. I think.
Sad too.
But beautiful nonetheless.
Beautiful –
Just like YOU . . .
The Written Addiction 