I said goodbye to organized religions a few years back.
Then again, I never said goodbye to my beliefs nor have I forgotten the traditions I was raised with. I have not forgotten the customs of my background or my heritage either.
In fact, I go through different holidays in my own way. I have my own regard for the spirit of the seasons.
For example, there is something called the Days of Awe, which are the days before the New Year and the Day of Atonement. This was something I was brought up with.
I go through this every year; however, my days of awe are not the same as the ones that take place during the High Holy Days.
These are the days when people contemplate the year behind them. They look at what happened, what they did, how they can improve and, of course, this is the time for reflection on how to improve and what steps we can take to be a better person. I do this as well only, my time of year is different than the Hebrew calendar.
It seems to go this way for me each year.
I am always coming to the end of another journal at this time. I allow myself the right to reflect on what’s taken place in the year behind me.
I allow myself the vision to see what I need to improve on for the year ahead of me.
I do this each year and yes, this year is no different. I have much to look at.
I have some serious thoughts and decisions to make.
Then again, I suppose you do too.
Maybe we all do.
I have changes that I would like to see and lastly, like everyone else, I have sins that I would like to atone for.
I have mistakes that I would like to get rid of.
After all, I am human.
I am a very real person.
I have a life. I have skeletons in my closet and, unfortunately, some of my skeletons come with skeletons in closets of their own, which I get it.
Perhaps this is an old saying – having skeletons in the closet, I mean.
This means to have something hidden or some kind of embarrassing or discreditable fact that people look to hide. This can be an instance or action that I’d prefer to keep a secret. Or maybe this is a mark or a moment of shame that I want to keep away from the public eye.
Sure, I have these things.
And I would like to wager that I am not the only one who has these kind of things.
I have skeletons in the closet. I have my own list of either embarrassing or discreditable acts, events, actions or facts that I would prefer to keep away from the public light.
At the same time, I am someone aware of the fact that no one can really hurt me with these facts, except for myself.
So, I expose them here.
I am aware that my internal meter is guided by judgment and yes, I judge myself.
As a matter of fact, I judge myself too harshly.
I put myself through the ringer and I catastrophize, I self-destruct, and I frequently overlook my strengths or my credits because in fairness to myself, or in fairness to my past experiences with traumas and in a fair and honest assessment of my history; it is hard to see the brightness in life when all we focus on is the gray clouds of doubt or despair.
I know who I am.
Better yet, I know exactly who I am, faults and all, strengths included.
I know all about my mistakes. I know about my dishonesties.
I know about my bullshit excuses and my less-than-healthy survival tactics which are outdated and in need of updating to say the least.
Hence, this is why I purge, here and now.
This is the reason why I decided to write this journal.
I want to focus on the things that allow us to find happiness.
But first, yes.
I have been dishonest.
Yes, I have been disloyal.
Yes, I have betrayed people who I love and care for and yes – all of this was due to some kind of insecure or otherwise selfish regard because in the end, I am no bigger or stronger than a frightened little boy.
I was called a coward. Do you know what?
This is true.
I am. But in an effort to rid myself of my cowardice, I am allowing this flow of words to evolve in a stream of consciousness.
It is safe to say that the weight of our secrets are enough to weigh us down.
And yes, it is safe to say that we are absolutely as sick as our secrets.
Even more, it is not possible to save your face and your ass at the same time. But, ah, we sure as hell try – to save face I mean even if it costs us our asses . . .
But wait, that is not what this time of year is about to me.
I call this time my personal days of awe because of the time when my Old Man passed – and to he and I, this was a special time of year.
I tell this story each year; however, I always try to offer a different spin which is what I want to do now.
I want to explain myself freely, but with an open sense of transparency.
I want to do this to allow for clarity, to allow the bones from the skeletons from my past to fade away or disintegrate into nothingness – and mainly, as a means to reflect, I will explain my days of awe in a simple way.
The Old Man and I used to take a walk on the beach at Point Lookout on New Year’s Day.
This was our day of truce. There were no hard feelings. There was no rehashing old arguments or anything like that.
No, this was just a father and his son, walking along the beach at Point Lookout, counting the dead seagulls in the sand, and oh, yeah – each year, I made it a point to place at least a few of my steps in my Old Man’s footprints. I did this because one day – I want to be able to say that I might not have done it all by the books, but I can say that I grew up to be a man and lastly, I grew up to be a man that my Father would be proud of because I was able to follow in my Old Man’s footsteps.
(Understand?)
My days of awe take place between Christmas and New Year’s because these were the final days of my Old Man’s life. While the tradition has changed and I have not been able to get back to Point Lookout on New Year’s Day in several years, – I plan to revisit the beach this year.
Maybe not on New Year’s morning, but maybe on the morning of New Year’s Eve . . .
Either way, I plan to revisit this old custom of mine. I plan to confess my secrets to the tides so that the waves can take my lies out to sea and wash me from the things that keep me unclean.
I want to expose my poor truths. I want to rid myself of the weights that hold me down and yes – I know that I have to free myself of my old but selfish regards because more than anything else that I have learned along the way, I have learned that we are the ones who punish ourselves the most.
I want to stop that . . .
I have dishonesties that I need to answer for.
I have amends to make which does not mean that what I have to say will be accepted (or acceptable) to anyone else.
However, and as a means to an end and as a means to allow myself to be free from the wreckage of past mistakes, I have to clear myself of this.
I have to let go and say, yes.
I did this.
This was me.
Regardless of my reasons or rationalizations; or regardless of my ideas or the things that I believed; and regardless of my old or unhelpful defense mechanisms and despite the excuses of either depressive thinking, anxiety, uncomfortable anticipations, irrational fears and no matter what worries I had and despite the reasons I chose to defend myself in ways that are either unkind, unhealthy, or unlike my true character – yes, in answer to the questions of my disloyalty – no, I was not the loyal in all regards.
Yes, this happened.
Yes, I am facing this right here and now, head-on, like a freight train, at full speed ahead.
Otherwise, next year runs the risk of being more of the same.
That’s not what I want.
(Do you?)
I am here to set the record straight.
Yes, I am a scared little boy.
I have never been comfortable in crowds. I have never been comfortable in close or intimate relationships. I have always been afraid that, in the end, I would be the fool or that I would be the last to get the joke. Lastly, my biggest fear is that the joke is on me or that I AM the joke. I have always expected the worst or the bottom to fall out and once more, I would be alone or at the bottom and otherwise, unlovable or worse – unwanted.
How can anyone find happiness with thoughts or secrets or details like this?
How can anyone feel better when they can’t think better?
I am alone now.
Perhaps this has allowed me a better sense of hindsight.
I am going through different stages of grief and mourning a loss, which is the loss of a life that I thought I would have by now.
But first – I have to heal.
I have to find that loose change in my pocket.
I have to find those pretty little details and learn how to focus on the things that brighten the sky instead of darken my path.
I know that by far, my goodness outweighs my badness.
I know that I am human and as a person in this world, I am privy to great things.
I need to see these things.
I need to open my eyes more. I need to dance a few steps and sing a few notes.
I need to recognize that the good times between us are an amazing occurrence that cannot be stricken from the record, nor can it be said that the bad times outweigh the good times.
I know this.
No one can tell me different.
But still –
Here in my days of awe, I allow myself the reflection and the consideration to come to a constructive conclusion.
This means that as the year ends, I will allow myself a truce.
I will offer myself a peace treaty and the branch of peace is offered to you as well.
I will walk the beach on Sunday morning, New Year’s Eve. I’ll offer a wave to The Old Man, who I’ll imagine is out there at sea.
I’ll think about the people I know and the people I wish I had the chance to have met – I’ll look at myself.
I’ll ask for some help – Maybe Adrian can put in a good word for me.
Or, if not, maybe he can console you a bit more until you find your own breath of happiness.
I will think of this as I walk along the beach at Point Lookout.
I will send my secrets out with the tides and say my prayers as I choose to send them.
Then, I will look to wipe the slate clean. I want to be rid of my unfortunate pastimes and as the sea removes the sediments from the sands, I will allow the waves to come along, to cleanse the shoreline, and allow this to wash my soul, to give away what I don’t want anymore, and to take away what I need to be better for the upcoming year.
I offer this entry as an honest means or an introspective moment between us.
I know that I have said or did hurtful things which does not mean that I am a mean or hurtful person.
No, this only means I am perfectly flawed and human
(just like anyone else).
Besides – are you that honest?
Is anyone?
No . . .
We all have faults and flaws but now, this is just between us.
I want to find a moment of truce.
I want to put the past in the past and with the future in sight, I want to welcome in the New Year in the best way possible.
These are my days of awe –
You are welcome to join me, if you’d like.
But if not – that’s okay.
I understand
We all have to find our way around in this world.
This is just something that I want to try.
To give myself a chance . . .
So, we can be happy.
The Written Addiction 