I think it was years or maybe it was for as long as I was alive.
You tried to tell me. You tried so hard but, of course, I hardly listened.
Then again, isn’t this the trouble with kids?
They never listen . . .
Mom –
You were never sure why I was so hard on myself. Then again, maybe you were.
Maybe you knew more than I thought and in that sense, maybe you were trying to steer me in a different direction.
But again, I hardly listened.
There are memories of mine.
God, this was so long ago.
You were young.
The world was a much different place back then.
The price of gas was less than $1.00
Cigarettes too.
I’m sure if you were alive, you’d the see the price of things and this would blow your mind.
Your head would spin if you saw my grocery bill . . .
Technology was less intrusive back then.
I have to say this because it is true.
We used to go to stores and pay for things – and then leave.
There were no email addresses, no bells or whistles.
No 20 questions to answer at the cash register when checking out.
Just pay and go.
Life is not like that anymore.
I know that we are from the so-called stone-age; and this makes no sense to the new generation.
Perhaps my generation made no sense to you.
I’m not sure what makes sense anymore.
Me? You?
Life?
Who knows?
I have memories of back in the days when things were far less complex.
Life was far more simple.
There was no such thing as social media.
There has always been division in the world but these days, division is way different.
We have cancel cultures and cyberbullying . . .
It’s amazing to me.
Either way –
There have always been scandals and political problems.
And sure, there has always been an “us or them” or “my side or your side” ways of thinking.
There’s always been the right or the left.
But me? I’d rather be the heart.
As I see it, Mom –
A bird needs two wings to fly.
The only problem is both of our wings seem to be broken.
So, it seems as if we are flying in circles at best.
There’s always been an enemy.
There’s always been some kind of fighting; and whether this was on the streets or in the battlefields, I have to say that the world has changed so much since you’ve been around.
I think back to the days when I was young.
I laugh at our fashion tragedies and, fortunately, there aren’t too many photos of mine.
Which is another thing, Mom.
Everyone has a cell phone with a camera and recording abilities.
I am truly grateful that there was none of this when I grew up . .
(I believe this would have been called evidence, if it was . . )
Things were better back then.
Like say, do you remember the time I came home from school.
You brought a puppy home.
Tammy. We called her Tammy Two because there was already a Tammy One and she was Pop’s favorite dog.
He loved that dog,
She loved him back.
I can see this now.
All of us in the den with Tammy.
I can see the den as it was when I was little.
I can see the outdated carpet and the wood-paneled walls. I can see the television, which was pretty big for a television back then.
This was one hell of an antique. The box itself was huge!
Only, the screen was not so big.
It was the wooden cabinetry that surrounded the television and housed all the parts that made the television so big.
And heavy too.
You’d be surprised at the size of television sets now.
They’re light as a feather too and flat as well.
I remember our very first remote control.
We had one . . .
I have several now.
I remember when we signed up for cable television.
Pop was confused by all the channels.
He was confused by the remote.
He was more confused by the remote to the VCR which, again, is another outdated system.
Mom,
I have to say that if Pop were alive today, his head would explode if he saw the price for a gallon of milk, let alone the price of gas.
You used to try and tell me, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”
But to me, nothing was small.
I was and I am and though I have improved over the years, perhaps I will always be a chronic overthinker.
Hence, my need to find the little things in life that make me happy.
I seemed to have missed too many things.
I lost my way too many times and it’s true.
Whether skepticism and realism is not the same as cynicism and pessimism; or whether I am cynical, difficult or trained by years of bullshit and trauma; either way, all I know is that yes, you were right.
Too much happens in life. Too many downfalls are bound to take place.
Too many fights happen.
Life is over in the blink of an eye.
You used to tell me that I have to learn how to enjoy myself.
Do you know something?
You were right . . .
This is not something one would think we need to learn.
But, it is.
The truth is, there are teachers in this world.
They specialize in this.
I know they are but I was either too cynical or skeptical, or maybe I was too deep in my own head to listen or follow their lead.
There are people who can shine a light on this – and yes, there are people who come along in life, and without effort, they are the ones who teach us how to have a good time.
They are the dance partners.
They are the sources of laughter.
They are unapologetic of their love and their joy.
They are the ones who teach us about tiny details which allow us to cling to simple memories.
This is done so that we can look back and remember the days of our lives, we can smile and go comfortably into the unknown and say that yes, I did a thing . . .
Mom,
I think there are so many things that I missed.
I think that I should have listened a little more closely.
But at the same time, not all students are ready to learn.
And me – well, I was not such a good student.
But I’m ready now.
This is good because there is the saying which comes to mind: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
I want to dance.
I want to trip the light fantastic, or so they say.
I want to let go of the small stuff – like you always used to tell me.
I want to live, love, laugh and learn and yes, I want to grow.
I want a new little puppy. (I promise I’ll take care of it.)
I want to reset myself and rethink my focus because too many years have passed and this is what has opened my eyes.
I call this a sign of age as well as maturity.
I have come to the realization that I have been overthinking for way too long.
It’s time now, Mom.
It’s almost the New Year.
And I think I know what I want my New Year to look like.
Pretty soon – it will be the year 2024.
(Can you believe it?)
I know that there’s work to be done.
I understand that I have obstacles to turn into opportunities.
Problems can become possibilities if I allow myself to work through them.
I know it.
At the same time, I understand that for every action, there’s a reaction.
For every reaction is another reaction – so I understand the ripple effect.
I get it and while not all things will turn out as I’d like them too – in the end, everything will turn out as it is suppose to.
It’s been so long now –
I don’t know when it was – the last New Year’s Eve –
When was it, when we were together when the ball dropped in Times Square after the big countdown?
I don’t know where you are now or if the delivery man can send this out past the universe to reach your mailbox.
I know that I have work ahead of me.
I know that overthinking can be the enemy,
And yes, I know that there’s nothing quite like the sight of a brand new puppy
(I swear, I’ll take care of it if you say it’s okay.)
And there’s nothing quite like a good dance.
There’s nothing like the laugh of the people you love or the one you love the most.
There’s no penicillin or antidepressant as good as the love from the most important people in our life and yes, I know this is true.
I have to credit the late great chess master, Bobby Fischer who went crazy in his later years – but crazy or not, the man had a point.
I have to say this here and now, Mom –
“There’s nothing as healing as the human touch.”
I agree.
I know this is true.
Nothing heals as much as someone’s touch –
I’ve felt this.
But in the absence of things, I have found that there is something that comes in at a very close second place to the healing power of the human touch . . .
And that’s the sound of the voice from the person you love.
Either way Mom,
I hope this finds you well and that somehow, this note gets delivered beyond the boundaries of the universe and to your mailbox.
I don’t want to sweat the small stuff anymore, Mom.
I’ll write again soon.
Love always,
Your son –
B –
The Written Addiction 