I don’t know if there really is a real world. I only know what’s real to me, which is subjective of course. Yes, this is only subject to me and my interpretation and perception.
I know this –
I think about this thing we call our “real life” and at the same time, I wonder what this means.
Is anything real? Am I? Are you? Is this all a story someplace in a book? And us, we’re just characters in a plot where the universe watches to see if we’ll finally get the hint.
Maybe this is all a version of something that we’ve dreamt about or made up in our heads?
That could be too.
No?
I don’t know the answer to this.
And that’s the truth.
It is mind blowing to me because we somehow find ourselves in places at certain times and for reasons only known to fate or destiny, we come face to face with someone, a person, a place or thing.
We see ourselves as we view our reflection – and whether this is true or inaccurate is another story. However, I do believe in fate. I do believe in the importance of discovery; as in the way we discover each other.
I do believe in the powers of serendipity.
I believe in the hands of time and the powers of fate.
I believe in the maze we walk and the bridges we cross. I believe in our eye-opening breakthroughs and the obstacles we overcome and the strength we gain as we progress and grow.
I believe in this.
Why shouldn’t I?
My aim for this journal is to discuss the little findings in life which were not so little at all.
No, in fact, some of the tiniest findings are bigger than the universe itself – at least to us or maybe just to me. I can say that yes, this is true.
I mentioned the little drum of mine and the Little Drummer Boy and the symbolism behind this to me.
I mentioned the wealth that comes inside such small or tiny things.
This is true.
It’s not the big things. No, it’s the little things.
It’s the small details that open our eyes to the big or more elaborate picture.
It’s not the big gifts or the money or status or anything like that.
The problem is we forget to pay attention.
We overlook the fine things.
Maybe we focus on the horrors we fear, which refuses to allow us to see anything better for the future.
Perhaps we fail to listen or maybe we only hear what we want to hear, which is not helpful. At least not to me.
At least, not really. And yes. I do this often.
Hear what I want to hear.
I am putting aside the uncomfortable thoughts and the worries and wonders and barriers or boundaries that I have either thought too much about or thought too little to notice.
I am putting aside myself and my rights to own anything other than this – my heart.
I am putting aside myself and my own thoughts and, for the moment, I am stepping outside of this thing which I call my head.
Besides, there’s no place for me here (right now).
I am allowing myself to breathe and I am allowing myself to drift back to moments where the sunlight came down from the sky, as if to mean something to me – as if to only be for me (or for us) and as if serendipity came to find us for a formal introduction.
But more, I am thinking about the way the waves come onto the shore. I am thinking about the beach at sundown and how the warmth is still around yet the sun is settling in for the night and the horizon is taking on the colors of its final bow.
I saw this.
I know I did.
And so did you.
(Am I right?)
Whether this is my real life or if my real life is up and coming, none of this is clear to me now. However, if I had my way or if I were granted the pen to write my future, then I would review certain parts of my past so that I can relive them again, almost identically to the way they were.
Do you know what?
It takes growth to say this.
This has taken me decades of understanding.
As well, I understand that sometimes it takes years to mature; but more, it often takes a moment in life to open our eyes and now we can see.
Something happens.
The lights come on which allows us to see exactly what we have – or had, or lost, or need to get back.
Any minute now the sun will be coming up over my little town.
The sunlight will creep through my window.
I am somewhat sleepless now.
Insomnia is a bitch!
I have music playing in the background and a new little friend which I’d like to tell you about.
Her name is Little Chicken.
AKA: Pollito
AKA: Cecilia
AKA: Chee Kun
She is my new little friend.
I have her in the background, my little green parrot.
She is perched on her little cage and looking around at the new strangeness of her brand-new world.
Little Chicken is only 8 months old.
But ah, there I go again.
I digress.
It is the end of the year and so, what have I done?
What do I want the new year to look like?
What can I do about the things that are either unfixable or unchangeable and more, where do I sign up to find serenity? Perhaps I should look to honor the idea that I should learn to find out how “to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
This is a great thing to consider.
This is a good plan for the new year, to understand where I am, to recognize what’s in my control and to learn what’s beyond my reach.
I have heard about people reaching for the stars.
I have heard it been said that even though we understand that no one can actually touch the star – we still have to try. We can’t give up. We can’t let our spirit sink or allow ourselves to turn from its beauty.
Yes – I have seen beautiful things.
I know exactly what beauty looks like.
I know what beauty sounds like and smells like and dare I say this – I know exactly what beauty even tastes like – it’s like a great wet kiss.
You know?
It’s like the way lips come together or the way one’s lips can feel, or the way electricity hits you when something like this happens or when someone sucks on your bottom lip . . .
I know what beauty is.
It’s more than something encapsulated in the symbol of a tiny drum or a little sentimental gift from the heart.
Beauty is a time that no one else has ever shared before, until one day, life allowed us to have an experience that was so unique and purposeful which, again, is what takes place when fate and destiny holds the paintbrush.
This is what takes place when serendipity comes along to say, hey – look at that.
The sun is shining in a way that it will never shine like this again.
Nothing can ever cheapen or duplicate this moment.
Not ever so hence, I want more of this
I want to be happy.
I want to let go.
I want to step forward.
Like I’ve heard you say before –
I want this to be real.
Better yet, I want this to be my forever.
I am waiting for this new life.
I’m waiting for the sun to come up in such away that whether I am standing on a balcony someplace and looking out over the ocean – or if I am sitting on the side of a lake where no one else can see, or if I am walking down 23rd Street or anywhere else in this world, I want this year to allow me the opportunity to see new things. I want to be better friends with serendipity.
I want to allow myself the chance to reach for the stars – and even if I can’t reach them or if the idea of touching a star is too absurd to think of, I still want to try.
I want to dance more.
I want to laugh more.
I want to hold more and see more and do more and yes, I want to be more.
Most of all . . .
I want to live, love, laugh and learn more.
We are just around the corner from the New Year.
I hold myself accountable for my past and present and yes, now that I am here and now that I have come this far – I acknowledge my truth, which is that I did not come this far just to come this far.
No – I cannot allow fate and destiny to paint my picture without my input.
I can’t allow serendipity to meet me halfway and miss the chance to thank her.
So, out to the universe this goes –
I am sending this where dreams and wishes do their thing and magic, if there is such a thing, then I ask that magic comes this way and pulls off a trick.
(Or maybe two.)
“Just when I needed you.”
It’s a great song to slow dance to,
Roberta Flack sung this.
She sung –
I won’t forget how I feel tonight cause you’re mine
You’re right on time
And you look so nice.
Serendipity.
That’s what this means to me.
To find something that only fate and destiny can bring us.
Maybe this year is the year for that.
Maybe I have more to see and more to learn.
But that’s okay.
I’ll keep my ears open this time
Not to listen to what I want to hear –
but to hear how fate brings us together because for some reason . . .
It’s just like the song said
Somebody gave me you when I needed you.
I’ve never seen the side of a mountain while riding across the country on a train.
This year might be the year for that, at least I hope so.
But that’s an entry for another time.
You know?
The Written Addiction 