If That Were True: Going Crazy

What are the things that bring you peace?
Is it the sunset? Is it the sunrise?
Is it an old movie that comes on television and brings you back to a memory of when you were younger? Or is it something else that brings you back to a time when life was less complicated?

I can say yes to the above. I can say yes to music as well. I can say that even the chaos of some of the crazy music I grew up with, as wild as could be, and yes – even as brutal as some of the music I chose would be; this is something that can restore my soul to at least a piece of sanity.
Sometimes you have to go absolutely crazy in order for us to stay sane.
Sometimes, you have to let it roll. You have to howl or scream. You have to let it out, like a pressure relief valve otherwise the steam builds and soon enough, we can explode.
Sometimes, you have to recognize yourself and see who you truly are – because anything else is only fake or imposter-like.

I agree with this.
I agree with the mad and crazy mixtures of sanity and the need to be absolutely crazy. I agree with the rush that comes with allowing yourself to flip the scene and break out or go absolutely mad. 
Most of all, I agree with deviating from the common paths we find all around us; and more, I agree with breaking away from the norm because, to us, the benefits of being the same are less rewarding than being “us.”

I think it is equally true that there are times when our bodies and our mind rebel against our surroundings. There is a revolution from within that shouts and screams at our situations. Yes, there are times and places, and situations that we call life; and there are moments of despair, crisis, and times when all is so absolutely crucial, when the weight is too heavy, the face we see in the mirror is a view to the soul through the mirrors in our eyes – yet, as we see this, there can be a depressive wave that comes over us, like a storm cloud or a dark shroud that disrupts our better vision because in all fairness; we cannot stand what we see – we do not like where we are nor do we like the plans ahead of us or the options we have. So yes, absolutely something within us starts to rebel.
But do not be afraid.
Do not see this as a weakness.
No, this is your strength.

There is a part of us that sees this. There is a part of us, deep inside, that does not want this altogether bullshit life or fake existence or this so-called life. There is a piece of us inside that is fit to be tied and angry as hell because we do not want or like what we see. When this happens, whether this is work related or if this is related to our home life, friendships, relationships or that so-called thing we call our love life – there is a truth meter inside of us.
We know what we really want.
If we don’t have it, there is a piece of us that cannot stand another second of living inside of this captivity.
There is a piece of us that sees us more clearly and while we might try to deny this or we may try and placate the disappointments, or even if we look to rationalize our whereabouts in life, as in where we live and why – deep down, we know when or if we are being fake or simply put – we know when we are full of shit and we know when we want more or something better.

That’s the truth.
We know if we are happy. If we are unhappy, the truth is we know the reasons why.
We also know why we are resentful about this.
So, make no mistake.
This is not depression. No – this is your rebellion speaking.
Your depression is only a byproduct or symptom.

I see no reason to follow the pack anymore.
Make your own way. Carve your own path.
I see no reason to adhere or to follow a diagram that was not planned, built for or suited for me.
I see no reason to walk the line and pretend anymore.
There is no reason to dress differently or to act, “as if,” and become the room, simply because this is where I am and just to “fit in” or as the saying goes – sometimes, you have to go along to get along.

Okay . . .
But how does this work in the end?
Go along to get along . . .
How does this work on a long-term basis?
Is it possible for one to lose their own self like this?

I have heard the suggestion, “fake it until you make it.” On some occasions, I can see where this suggestion is helpful.
Otherwise, I don’t see the long-term benefits of living a fake life or pretending to be someone I am not.
Do you?

I do not see the benefit that comes with pretending to fit an inaccurate mold?
I can appreciate wanting to emulate someone’s better qualities.
I can appreciate wanting to perform like someone else too.
That is much different than faking it to fit.
I see no benefit in pretending to be happy.
I see no reason to act like the blueprints for someone else is the same blueprint that will work for me
(or you).
This is enough to make someone crazy!

At some point, I think we look around at our quasi-lifestyle.
I think we wake up at some point and recognize where and how we settled – and we realize where we lost our truths.
We realize that we compromised too much – we gave away far too many things to hopefully receive a portion of our dreams – but in return, we received far too little to become satisfied or happy.

I see this with people. I see this commonly.
I see this right now, in fact.
I see this when people try to fit or conform into a life that was not built for them.

I see this when people are living in accordance with an assumption of life, or how life is “supposed” to be. Rather than being true to themselves, they submit to an unfortunate trade.
Rather than hold on tight or wait to find their worth, or instead of being honest about their path, or their wants, their needs, and despite their inner-rebellion and true intentions; I see this all the time.
The depression surges from within because, in all fairness, we know that we’re not truly happy.

I see people either implode or explode or simply lose to a life that never belonged to them in the first place.
This is sad because this is dying alive.
But I have news.
This is not sad or a weakness.
No, this is something inside of you that is promising you can do more and be more because the bottom line is this:
You are worth more.

Life is not built by a one-size-fits-all mentality. To each is their own, which means to each is their own DNA. To each is their own chemistry. To each is their own interpretation of light, of color, of taste and sound.
And yes, if it were true that we could follow the lead of someone else; and if it were true that happiness fit all sizes, then there would be no such thing as personal turmoil.
No one would ever drink themselves to death or work themselves to the bone, just to scrape two nickels together and be broke by the end of the day – no one would live under-water because they are either rent poor or living above their means, just to fit in, or so that they can compete in some status-driven world and keep up with the Joneses.

If it were true that I could be happy by following the leader of someone else’s plans, then I would have been fine, decades ago, working at some thankless job, tired all the time, beating the pavement with a briefcase in my hand as a door-to-door salesman with samples in my bag to show my customers the whys and wheres of what I sell.

If it were true that happiness is simple, then there would be no reason to find your purpose in life. While someone’s purpose may (or may not) sound like a simple thing to understand, if it were true that happiness and success is standard and one size does fit all, then there would be no such thing as the different genres of music.
Everyone would like the same food. No one would stand out as a special creator and, me, I would probably be fine to live overweight and unchallenged. I’d be fine to walk around and be tired all the time, unfulfilled and existing in some sad, quiet little world where nothing original happens, no one rises or falls, everything is safe or unamusing and so, if life were simply a case of “follow this blueprint,” then there would never be anyone who dared to explore. No one would ever reach or search for more and no one woud ever step outside the regions of their comfort zone.

Sometimes, the way to find inner peace is to defy the blueprints we were given.
These are the so-called designs that tell us –
This is what a man is.
Or –
This is what a woman is.
Or, maybe –
This is what makes people happy so you should be happy with this too!
Or –
This is what you need to call yourself a success.

I love the fact that everything is relative to us.
This allows us the freedom to be unique.
And success, this is relative too.
This is up to me.
And you as well.
As for sanity or as for the design to find your best source of inner peace . . .
This is contingent upon you . . .
Not anyone else.

There are times in my life when I was severely depressed.
Why?
In my case, I can say the reason is because I knew that I wanted more.
I knew that I negotiated poorly and that I settled or allowed myself to receive a lesser value when, in fact, I wanted more.
And yes, More!
I . . Want . . MORE!

I have always wanted more. And so, I will always want more.
I want more times when I am fine to go absolutely nuts.
I want more times when as hard as I worked and as much as I had to walk the line; I want to endure this so that I can be true to myself.
I want to be fair to myself in a way that allows me to benefit from the fruits of my labor.

I do not want to work my life away. I do not want to cry it away either nor do I want to spend another second, let alone another minute, hour or live another day in a life that does not belong to me.
This is where depression live.
To be clear, I don’t want to live there anymore.

Sometimes, our lack of peace is a disturbance from within.
This is a revolution inside that takes place because deep down, we know that we are living in a surrounding that is not matching our best possible life.
And sometimes, I agree.
We have to get through the walls of our so-called surroundings to master our own happiness.
We have to endure and navigate through the unattractive options, so we can find our inner-peace. If it were true that settling is worthwhile and “fine,” or living a life that is not aligned with our heart is okay and deferring our dreams is acceptable, then no – you wouldn’t care about being happy. You’d be fine to slip into some kind of mediocre setting, mundane as it is, no challenge, no light, no lust for more, no sense of overwhelming greatness, and no vigor, no urge, and no desire for anything other than a bed to sleep the rest of your life away.

By the way, the sun is up already.
It’s time to get up
And get out of bed – but I get it, depression tells you otherwise.
Somehow, you fail to believe you don’t have the energy to get out of bed.
But you do . . .

It’s okay to want more.
It’s okay to ask for more.
It’s okay to try for more and you can bet your sweet ass it’s okay to try for more and fail because this is more than okay.
This means you refused to submit.
Hence, this means you never failed because you never quit.
This is more than okay.
In fact, this is imperative. All of what you encounter is necessary.
So are the disappointments. So are your letdowns. So are the downfalls and yes, even falling down has its benefits.

If it were true that settling for a life less-desired is okay, and if it were equally acceptable to abandon our passions and accept that the life we desire is out of our reach – then no one would ever be depressed or sad.
If that were okay . . . but no.
It is not okay to settle.
Also –
It is unfortunate that people see their depression as a weakness.
It’s not. It’s only a motivator.
This is your primary mover. 
This is the fire within that refuses to conform; that denies the unwantedness of our surroundings and says, “no, I deserve better than this!”
So, fuck it . . . now, I’m going after it!

Depression is only a symptom. This is the cover.
This is a topical and noticeable feature but no,
this is not the problem.
Not at all.
There is something inside of you that looks around and sees a different world that belongs to you.
If what you see does not match what you want – of course you will be depressed.
Who wants to live an unwanted life?
Who wants to reside in an unwanted place?
If this is your option, what would have to happen to improve your options so that your surroundings match what you want and deserve?

I have three words for us to use:
Go get it.

Make sure you let yourself go all the way too.
No more emotional or spiritual laziness.
Do not leave anything open to interpretation or subject to judgment.
Say what you mean.
Mean what you say.
If at all, you find yourself stuck in a position that is temporarily mandatory but unappealing – do what you have to do, keep working and searching for recovery. Look for the benefit of a healthy escape because when the time comes, you will have built and created a world that is at last deserving of our presence.
But more, you will have achieved what most people could not.
You will have chosen to go at this life, relentlessly, without apology, without explanation, and without regret or regard for fears or insecurity – you decided to “Go. Be. And Do.”

I remember reading someone writing about their inner peace.
I read their words and it said something about “to find a semblance of peace.”
I love these words.
I love this because this exposes the truth of us and our life.
I love this because, in all honesty, life can be pretty crazy sometimes. Sometimes, all we can do is fix our grin to gain some kind of outward appearance.
But I want more.
I want more than just a semblance of peace – or more than some kind of outward appearance. 

I don’t want to pretend anymore.
(Do you?)
I don’t want to live a part-time life.
I don’t want the discomforts that come with shame or the ideas of failure that come when we never try or never really dare.

However, I understand that work has to be done.
I recognize that not everything comes gift wrapped or free.
I get it. Some things take time.
But time can gather and gain more weight if we do nothing else but wait too long.

I understand that we might not like our options or the choices we have to make are unattractive –
but still, life and its challenges are only temporary, unless we allow them to become permanent.

Never settle.
This destroys your inner peace.
This leads to resentments.
And next, you find yourself resentful at those around you.
You find that you are angry at those who are closest, either in proximity or in your heart- when in fact; it’s not them.
No . . .
It’s not the situation you are angry at either and it’s not about the outcomes you don’t like.
No, you are mad at YOU.
This is the reason for your inner turmoil or lack of inner-peace.

I spent much of my life being pissed off at others when, in fact, I was really angry at me.
I was angry because I settled, because I went for the bargain instead of living for my dreams or working for my aspirations.
I accepted a weaker trade and negotiated poorly to accept a compromise that was less than my worth. 
This is where depression lives.
I don’t want to live there anymore.

I have seen this in others as well – maybe you, in fact.
Happy on the outside. Smiling, joking and playing along.
Meanwhile, there is an internal fire and resentment.
There’s an internal rebellion because deep down, you know you let yourself down.
You know you want more but you blocked yourself.
It’s a dead-end now..
You know that your plastic or fake existence is not worth your time. Hence, depression sets in because you know you wanted more – only, you never tried.
You never dared for it.
So this became your life
Regrets and all.

More –
It’s a great word.
Again, don’t be mad about depression.
Don’t be upset with your anxiety.
Don’t look at yourself in the mirror or view your reflection with disgust.
No.
Let this be your final warning.
No ultimatums.
Nothing like that at all.

Let this be your sign that, at last, you have the right to be your own superhero. When the time strikes, let this motivate you to swoop in  – and save your own life.

By the way . . .
I still listen to the loud and crazy music from my teenage years.
This helps me when I need to let off some steam.
I still listen to the loud bands that made it okay for me to lose my mind and go ab-so-lute-ly fucking nuts!

I say you have to do this every once in a while.
Or else you’ll just go crazy
(just not in a good way).