If That Were True – FEAR!

Do you have fear?
I do.
I know all about fear.
And this is as honest as it gets. I am afraid to be revealed or exposed.
I have fears of being humiliated. I have a huge fear of being alone, unloved or unwanted.
These are real fears to me. 

All this means is that yes, I am absolutely human.
I am no one different from anyone else in this world. I have mistakes, which I would prefer to keep away from the public’s eye. Yet, I come here every day and expose myself in different ways. I know this makes no sense at all.
At the same time, this makes sense to me.

I am a fraud. I am a coward.
I am dishonest and yes, I have been disloyal.
I have betrayed good people and essentially, of course, I have self-destructed and self-sabotaged. Without any doubt, I have imploded, exploded and blew-up my own little world on several different occasions.
Yes, I am absolutely, positively and beyond a shadow of a doubt terminally imperfect.
Yes I am.

But wait –
The idea behind this journal is to find peace.
Isn’t it?
Well, yes.
It is.

Peace begins with honesty. So, let’s be honest.
I remember learning about the difference between running away from something (or someone) and running towards something (or someone). The difference is simple and absolutely important to consider.

Running away has no destination in mind. This is a case of any port in the storm.
“Just get me outta here!”
This is what fear does.
This is the part of us that screams, “Get me the hell outta here!” and if this is true, then it would also be true that we might make hasty decisions just to get away.
Understand?

There are times when I get it; any way out is at least a way out.
Okay, then, what if you only trade problems, as in one for another?
However, there is a difference between running away and running towards something.

Running away is any port in the storm.
Running towards something has a direction in mind. This means we have a goal. We have a plan. And yes, we might be running away or looking to get out of someplace uncomfortable or unhappy. But that’s okay.
At least we can have a plan in mind. At least we can get out and get away from a previous life or an unhappy world without trading problems, as in one for another.

This is why I say it is important to have a plan.
Don’t just run. Run smart.
And maybe, just maybe, if we plan this the right way, you might not have to run at all. 

Perhaps you might remember my thoughts about Einstein the other day. We talked about the mistakes which we tend to focus on instead of the successes we create.
Einstein was pretty smart . . .
He also said “you cannot solve a problem with the same mindset that created it.”
Once again, Einstein was pretty smart.

I do not know what my day will look like. I don’t know what awaits me or if the problems at hand will grow bigger or . . . maybe today might come with a solution.
That could be too.
Right?
I mean, who knows?

There are so many things which it is impossible to account for everything.
We have so many different sides to us. We have an emotional side and the inner-child. Then we have our true selves; we have the person we want to be, the person we think we are, and then there’s the person who people see and last, there’s the person behind the person and the reasons why we have our biases and projections.

Peace though.
What has to happen for this to come to us?
What has to connect?
What can we do to bring us to a sense of peace?
Especially now that life is crazy or at times, life can be upside-down, inside-out, or sideways.
What has to happen for us to prioritize our sense of peace?

Does this mean that something drastic has to happen?
Does something detrimental to our greater good?
Does this mean something bad has to happen?
Do we have to get sick before we wake up and choose to get well?

Whether we like the terms or the conditions of what comes next, life is not concerned with our comfort zone.
No.
This is something that we worry about. If I’m being honest, I do worry.
I have fears. I have insecurities.
I have my thoughts and doubts and I have yet to mention my struggles with inadequacy.
I know all about imposter syndrome. I know all about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
Of course, I know all about depression. I know about anxiety. I know what happens when my thoughts and resentments turn inward and yes, I know all about the absence of peace.
I know this all too well. Guess what?
I am not alone. And neither are you.

I used to run away in any direction. While I knew that I wanted more for myself and wanted to be better, I never knew how to execute this. And here’s the trip . . .
I know all about the steps and what it takes to be healthy. I know all about the suggestions. It’s not a problem with knowhow.
No, the problem we have is an application problem. 

Everyone knows how to lose weight – yet people struggle with this all the time.
We know what to do to make us happy – yet we lose this in the application process because we apply an unhelpful tactic by overthinking. Basically, we refuse our own happiness by overcomplicating every little goddamned thing – and to what avail?
What has overthinking done for us?
How has this helped us overcome our fear?
If anything, what is the result of overthinking?

Life in the magnifying glass of a blind eye is pointless –
and so?
We can’t see what comes next. We don’t know the different parts of an equation so therefore, we think and consider and we assume and project our fears.
What’s the result?
The sum is fear.

Fears can multiply.
This will divide us and like an internal terrorist, this divides and conquers us – and this continues, as in ongoing and indefinitely, until eventually, we finally can’t take it anymore. And BOOM!
We explode.
Fear has its own math.
Perhaps we should stop adding to it.

I have lost myself to this.
I have lost my life to the wrong applications which were distracting to me. Therefore distorted by my fears, I lost to my own battles and surrendered to my own flaws.
(Defeated)
I tell you this without any hesitation.
Peace takes bravery . . .

What does fear do?
Fear magnifies and multiplies and next, we jump to conclusions.
We create different casualties. We catastrophize and brutalize ourselves to the point where we can’t see straight.
We fail to move forward or we implode. 
Or self destruct.
Our vision is unclear and yes – maybe we run.
Maybe we sit still because fear keeps us from stepping out.

Maybe we can create a plan.
That might work too, no?
We can set a goal and make a plan. Whether this is easy or not or whether we are afraid, petrified, terrified or even if we are horrified by the upcoming hurdles and obstacles, we can create a plan.
We can set a goal instead of letting our life implode or go to shit.

We can’t just give up. We can’t give in. We can’t fight all the time either because we won’t have the energy it takes to head towards our goal – which is peace. Let’s not forget.
Or at least a small version of it.

I am not so brave. I am not so peaceful either.
But, I am working on this and no one can take that away from me.
Not even you.

It is funny to me how honesty like this tends to make people uncomfortable.
This makes people nervous or they’ll come over and ask me, “What’s wrong?”
Nothing is wrong.
No, this is just a person being honest about his struggles.
That’s called healthy.
This is called helpful not hurtful.
This is called being truthful. Hence, maybe this is the bravest thing I could do, which is to be honest about my setbacks or my downfalls. 

Am I a fraud?
Am I a coward?
In some cases, yes.
Am I an imposter or someone trying to pretend to know what to say or do?

Well, I have never told anyone to follow my lead.
I have never told anyone that my way is the right way.
I never said I am innocent of all charges,
I only said I’m honest.
I have never said that I am smarter, faster, stronger or better than anyone. 

The only thing I have done consistently is be honest about the things in my life that I would like to change. As a means to improve and to expand my recovery, I have decided to be honest about my areas which need to improve.
I am no better nor worse than anyone else on the street.
Honest? Maybe.
Accountable? I like to think so.
Brave? Well, not totally.

No.
If I were truly brave then I would have reached for my goals when opportunity was right in front of me.
But I didn’t because I was afraid.

I have learned what happens when we pause or hesitate.
I have seen how fear can destroy the most beautiful, special and the most precious things available to us.
Like, love, for example.
We lose. We hesitate and we pause.
We overthink and we miss our shots.
We bitch or we complain that, “Now, it’s too late,” and yes, maybe it is too late.
I know it’s too late (for some things).
But pointing fingers and searching for blame is not going to be helpful.
Is it?

Perhaps there is a better port in the storm.
Or maybe the storm is not over yet. Maybe I can make it through.
Maybe the changes we’re facing have opened our eyes that yes, we want to get away from a previous life.
But first, we have to have a plan.
We have to have a goal in mind because if we want to find a solution, then we have to think about what Einstein said –
We cannot solve the problem by using the same mindset that caused it.

There’s a change about to come.
I have nowhere to run nor do I want to run at all.
I don’t want to be a coward or a fraud or fake or an imposter.
I don’t want to hold the ropes to the wrong life.
Things like this will only weigh me down.
So, I’ll have to let go.
I don’t want to just run . . .
I want to have a place to go and a goal in mind.
I don’t want to settle.
Should this mean that I am by myself- then at least I will be by myself for the right reasons. 

Do I have fears?

Yes.
Absolutely!
Do you want more honesty?

Here’s my biggest fear . . .
I’m afraid that I am ugly or evil and that I am a bad person.
This is my biggest fear.
(Perhaps we’ve touched on this before, no?)
I’m afraid that I am not a good person and that my whispers of insecurity are right about me – therefore, my fears tell me that I will end up alone or unlovable.

I suppose this is where I begin, each day.
Speaking to an empty screen before I exhale and start to type.
I swear this helps me.
This is how I empty my thoughts and spill myself onto paper.
Otherwise, I’ll lose to my ideas the same as I lost to my fears. And next, I’ll run away without a point or a destination in mind

So to close -
Peace and love are the bravest things we can have. We can’t have anything unless we work for them.
That means we need a plan – or else, be prepared for more of the same.

By the way, fear is not fact. If my fears were all true and if I were all the things that I am afraid of; then I would never dare to tell you that I’m afraid at all.
If it were true that I am a coward or that I am a fraud or ugly or evil – then I would never dare to reveal myself like this.