Once more, I begin this with a question.
And this is not a new question. At least I should say this question is not a new question to me. At the same time, I ask this nonetheless.
Is it possible to find peace in a state of unrest?
Is it possible to find clarity in moments of personal blindness?
In the same regard, is it possible to find peace within oneself when there is no peace nor anything around us that resembles the sort?
I have lived a life that belongs to me and I say this for a reason.
I am similar to other people yet I understand that there is no one out there like me. At least there is no one else who is exactly like me. Hence, I have the right to be perfectly unique.
I own this and share this openly because now that I have qualified myself as an individual, I understand that not everything is as it seems. I recognize that I have biases and trained assumptions. I have my share of cultural differences, teachings and a historical background that might limit my viewpoint.
I go back to my initial question –
Can a person find peace while living in a state of unrest?
Well, first, I would say that this is all relative.
Either way –
If we are frustrated and discontent or if we are on our last and final nerve, and goddammit all to hell because if we are panicked or stressed and unhappy – is it possible to find peace when nothing is peaceful?
Is it possible to bring ourselves back around so eventually, we can see straight again?
I offer this as a study of mine. I call this my research.
Whether I am a professional or just another earth traveler is irrelevant to me.
I am on a quest; however, I am in search.
I am looking to find that sense of peace which can exist, regardless of my situation or the disturbances around me
There are countless people who live in the worst fears of impending doom – always waiting for the next thing to go wrong, always waiting for the next disappointment and always betting that the worst is about to happen; as if to expect that a tragedy will take place and catastrophe is upon us. Whether this is rational or not, the body picks up on this.
Our chemistry changes.
The mind hits the fear receptors and next, problems will double and multiply. The thought machine reaches a state of RED-ALERT!
I can understand this way of thinking.
I can say that I understand this personally, intimately and, often times, tragically.
I can understand what it means to always expect the absolute worst – and yes, I understand how this triggers our moves to a subconscious level which inevitably creates the scenario that we feared the most.
How can there be peace at times like this?
How could anyone find rest in a state of unrest?
For the moment, let’s forget about finding peace.
At a minimum; how could anyone find a shred of happiness when living in unrest?
I knew a man a while ago
I say I knew him yet I only knew him for a little while.
I knew him for a short time but at the same time, I knew him well enough to call him my friend.
He lived on a ship for a while.
He was overseas and stationed on a boat to help fight the war after the attacks which took place on our country on 9/11.
He and I only spoke for a short while in the morning. I was a newly hired employee and he was around before me.
He was a security guard, but I offer no names to describe him deeper.
I do this to honor my friend’s confidentiality and to respect his anonymity. Therefore, I can say nothing else but call him this: My Friend.
We used to talk about life. We’d talk about simple things and good things. We seldom talked about anything serious. We never talked about politics or his time at war.
One day, my friend decided to open up. He told me about some of his time at sea. I’m not sure how this subject came up. I suppose there was something on the news about war. Maybe that was it.
All he said was it was a time he would never forget.
He told me that he might not have liked everyone he served with. He said whether we liked each other or not, when those missiles were launched from the ship, it wasn’t a question of whether we killed a person or not because a man can shoot from his rifle when he’s in battle and not be sure if he killed someone – but when those rockets go, it’s how many people we killed with just one shot.
I do not know what it would be like to live from behind his eyes or see what he saw. However, I understand that this is war. This is not a tickling contest. This is as real as it gets.
My friend told me that he did not like everyone around him.
And I get that. I feel that way too.
But when those missiles were firing and the war was alive, he told me that everyone was shoulder to shoulder.
Then he told me about the moments of quiet. He told me “that’s when this guy went to sit where he sat and I went to sit where I sat.”
Somehow, or in some way, no matter what took place, there had to be a way for him to find a moment of rest.
Now, differently –
There was a while where I helped people who worked in the fire department. Smilarly, there was a way to deal with the things that they saw.
They had a way of describing the bodies, which was dark to say the least.
Perhaps some might think the terms they used were somewhat dehumanizing when describing the bodies they found – such as burnt, brown or extra-crispy.
This is how they found people and to some regard, I can see how this almost desensitizes them from what they saw.
But the mind knows.
We remember.
We see what we see and in some cases, some of our visions and memories are like an unwanted guest. Some of them are haunting like a ghost of some terrible, regrettable or unwanted past.
Still, I ask the same question –
If this is true and if it were true that we saw what we saw or lived through and despite our different traumas – then how in the world would it be possible to find peace?
There was a short period of time when I offered my services to run a support group for nurses during the pandemic.
They were overworked. They were hit one after another with tragedy after tragedy in emergency rooms.
People coded and who do you save first? Who do you help? How do you choose one bed or another?
How do you play God in a situation like this?
I repeat this as it was discussed in the group between different nurses because two or more people coded at once, one gets treatment, the other dies, and the person the nurse brought back only lasted a short while longer.
Of course, this leads to the idea of “Maybe I should have helped the other person first.”
How do you heal from trauma when trauma is unrelenting?
Again, I am not a nurse. I do not work in hospitals. However, I used to be deployed to hospitals and yes, I spent time in emergency rooms. But no, my experience was not as traumatizing as anyone who worked the emergency rooms during the pandemic.
At the same time, I can say that I saw enough to understand that life is precious.
Yes, so is ours.
There are sad things which take place. We see terrible things. Although maybe not everyone has this experience. Perhaps there are people who never witnessed a terrible, violent or tragic thing.
I don’t know who they are – but, I wish them well.
But again, most people have seen traumatizing things. Whether what I saw is more tragic or traumatizing or whether my version of trauma is a walk in the park when compared to the trauma of others – still, my point is this – how does one find peace when they have memories or experiences like this?
I don’t do comparisons anymore.
I don’t judge my hardships or yours. As for my scars, I stopped comparing them a long time ago.
With that being said, I used to see a man come to work every morning. He had special needs which is enough to say that he had physical challenges and still – he made it to work on time, each day, and without complaint.
He set up the mailroom every morning before the rest of the office arrived.
I used to see him. I would smile and say hello.
The man would answer in kind. However, his speech was somewhat challenged as well.
But that did not stop him from saying hello in return.
I held the door for this man a few times. I admired him too. I say admired because despite any physical challenges, he was always pleasant, always on time and never bitched or complained or said a mad or evil thing.
One day, someone asked me why I was always nice to him.
I asked, “Did you ever read the bible?”
I told this person, “Do you know where it says whatever you do unto the least of my brethren, you do unto me?”
Then I explained, “See that man?”
I pointed.
“That man is far from the least of my brethren.”
And then I walked away.
My point is I am not sure what others live with. I don’t know what anyone else really thinks or feels.
I don’t know what red looks like through your eyes or green looks like through someone else’s eyes.
All I know is that we are all here and alive and living on this big rock of a planet.
No, we might not be at war.
And no, we might not be stationed on a battleship or fighting fires.
We might not work in an emergency room – or maybe we see nothing like this or anything of the sort.
At the same time, we all have our own private battles.
We all have our own demons and our own challenges.
Yet somehow, we all have to find a way just to survive.
I once heard a speaker say that sometimes, it’s like you have to save your own life every day.
And it’s hard. You know?
I can’t un-see or un-feel certain things.
I can’t always make things better. And no, it’s not easy to find a sense of peace when we are in a state of unrest.
But either way, the world is calling and time keeps moving.
We have to do something.
We can’t stay in a constant state of “RED-ALERT!”
Maybe we can –
Breathe some.
Read some.
Move some.
Eat some.
Exercise some.
Dance some.
Sing some.
But whatever the “some” might be –
We have to choose one
We have to do something.
Otherwise, there is no peace
Just unrest . . .
The Written Addiction 