It would seem there are times when people are split in two halves.
This is a mix or should I say this is life when split in two parts.
Say for example, the skin I want. The skin I’m in.
Or otherwise, the life I want. The life I live.
The life I have. The life I need.
This is a split.
People are torn between the life they have and the life they hope for.
I do not envy the ones who stay caught in the middle.
I have seen this in my own life as well as within others. I have witnessed those who were stuck in the middle or caught between freedom and their own isolation. Worse, I have seen the consequences that come when good people lose to their own persecution.
So, then I ask, how can someone find peace in a life like this?
How can one come to terms with themselves or at minimum, how can a person come to a place of balance? How does someone find where the inner self agrees with an otherwise unmatching surrounding – and make it okay for themselves?
Peace – That’s what this is about.
I write this on behalf of myself and also, I write this in connection to the countless conversations with people who either survived their attempts or during their pre-suicidal rants, I write this as an observer and as a volunteer who took the time to listen.
How can there be peace when there is no peace within oneself?
So, there is a split – the skin I want. The skin I’m in.
The life I want. The life I live.
The life I have. The life I wish for –
How do we make them match?
I will overlook the typical comments and suggestions that I have heard people say, which are usually statements that begin with the word, “just,” as in, “just don’t think that way.”
Oh, really?
It’s that easy?
And to think of all the torment and anguish – and simply, all I had to do is “just” not think this way.
Who knew it was all that easy.
(And please, I hope the sarcasm reads well when I say this because sometimes the word “just” is just not a fitting word when it comes to the troubles of the mind.”
Either way – we all want more.
We all want better.
Yet, people balk or they’re afraid to step out or come forward.
There are reasons for this. I do not deny them.
Instead, I validate them.
It’s hard to step away from Stockholm syndrome or the comforts of even an uncomfortable life, which has become a program or a constant normal.
I do not envy this spot. Although, I have been here before too. Several times.
I do not envy the choice or the cross to bear. I do not wish this on anyone, to live in the in-between phase of a life that is less desired and the life that we’ve always dreamed of.
it’s not easy to step away.
I mark this down to acknowledge this
(And you).
I watch and listen to young people as they make their early voyage into adulthood. I hear them. I listen and think about my in-between times or the times when I balked or paused or hesitated or worse; I think of the times when i saw the windows of opportunity open and close.
I see the younger generation.
I envy them – to some degree.
They’re still young and in a position to go and dare or try new things. Still, I see them, I’ve spoken with so many young people who find themselves stuck between a life they want and the life they have.
I have read about the dreams deferred and what becomes of them.
Too, I have seen what happens when I failed to try or dare or when fear took place. I have seen what becomes of life when I failed to stand up for myself and speak my peace or say what’s on my mind.
I have met with people in hospitals and in treatment facilities who shook their head and shook their fists.
I have seen people of all ages and listened to them discuss how they look back at the days behind them.
I allowed them their tearful reports and with a mouthful of contempt and regret, they accounted for all the times when they knew they should have walked away or “got out” when they could have.
Life is not over by any means. It never is.
In fact, life is never over, at least not until the last breath.
More accurately, this is the reason I had these conversations with other people who found themselves beneath the weight of shame and regret.
It’s like a mountain on your chest.
It gets bigger too, the more we allow it.
“Why didn’t I listen?”
I have said this to myself.
Haven’t you?
Why didn’t I listen?
Why didn’t I walk away when I had the chance?
Why wasn’t I at least honest with myself?
And next, why wasn’t loyal to me?
I could have changed my mind, You know?
I could have said something?
I could have gone right instead of left – and I knew this too, but somehow (and sometimes) life is like an unfair roller-coaster; in which case, you’re strapped in and the longer you wait, the more you lose your choices to reverse your decision to ride the rides you chose.
That’s why I’ve chosen to get off the rides that no longer served me.
I used to bitch at myself in my own head.
Ever do this?
Why didn’t I speak up?
Why didn’t I say something?
Was I not clear enough?
Was I hoping there’s some kind of reader out there who would come along and tell me get out now kid . . . you know you want something better for yourself.
How many times have we leashed our tongues and later, we regretfully consider the conversations that took place.
Yet, we wished we said something more or differently.
Perhaps we took a passive stance and, again, we reconsider what took place and rehearse the conversation, once more, in our head.
We rehearse saying what we wished we could have said – but even that changes – and so does the aggressiveness of the tempo in our heads. The storm picks up. So does anxiety. And next, our aggression picks up and takes off, like a deadly rocket that goes “BOOM!” because as we think about what took place, and as we regret what we said as opposed to what we wished we could have said, the more we stew in our own juices of regret. Yes, the more we stew, the more absent we become and the more absent we become, the less likely we are to find peace.
Isn’t that what this is supposed to be about?
Ah the bully. . .
You son of a bitch!
I can tell you this, there is no bully worse than the bully in your own head.
I know this firsthand.
We used to be on a first name basis. They and I.
I assume you can relate.
The life I want. The life I live
The skin I want. The skin I’m in
The choice you have
The choice you make
The life you have
The chance you take
The regrets you have
are the regrets you need to shake
That’s why I’m here and why I walked away.
I want the skin I want and the skin I’m in to match.
The same is said about the life I want and the life I have.
I have sworn off the old time’s sake.
I’ve sworn off the unnecessary needs – or so-called needs, which I thought were important; however, alone, I realized that I assigned my importance poorly. So, I decided to change.
No more regression or rehearsals or hours practicing my speeches, where I found myself looking to re-litigate the past and change the face of what took place.
No more worrying about the reader or the critics, the grammar police, or whether I am picked up, or brought to the next level, or whether I am accepted or liked.
Not anymore.
No more senseless arguments which take place in our heads.
No more life in the rearview.
No more battles that no longer exist (or needed to).
No more concern for outside or external acceptance.
No more concern for anyone’s perception or interpretation.
No more battles from within.
I cannot live this way.
Neither can anyone else.
But we have.
We have, and we still do at times.
Maybe the breakthroughs we come to are either due to something big or huge, like a discomfort or downfall – or, maybe like those who have been stuck in the in-between for too long – there comes a time when pain and frustration builds so high that we can’t take it anymore.
Next, our will and our intent outweigh our fears and essentially, we kick off the old skin we’re in. We break lose to shed our previous selves and next, we become the person we have always wanted to be.
I want an “us”
I want a “we”
I want an “our” and no, no one else has to agree with this.
Except for you of course. But you already knew this.
No one has to like it or enjoy our choices.
Then again, life changes when we stop living in in regards for others or the rest of the world.
Skin I want. The skin I’m in.
The life I want. The life I live.
Make them match.
Make this happen.
Take a chance, now . . .
Because if you do, you will find one undeniable thing:. .
This is where peace begins.
The Written Addiction 