Snow is falling in New York City. The world looks different to me this way. Soft and slow. Peaceful. And I like it like this.
Soft and slow. Peaceful too. And that’s exactly what this is about.
Peace.
It is not too far from us to think that peace or happy days are on their way.
It is not too far to imagine that peace can come, even when times are chaotic or intense or sad or unkind. Sometimes, they are all of the above.
Everyone goes through this.
I will say though, the biggest hurdle and most intimidating obstacles are the ones in our mind.
I think back to the time when I was told about something called focus bias.
We see what we focus on. And we can make ourselves sick this way too.
We can focus on the worst of things and contemplate the worst ideas and play out the worst scenarios in our heads.
But where does this lead us?
How does this help us?
How are we supposed to find peace if all we do is focus on chaos and every other bad scenario that comes from our imagination?
I say this as a person who claims to be guilty as charged with all the above.
I’ve done this far too often.
I suppose this only makes me human . . .
I remember when I was told about an example of focus bias. I was told about an example of this that happens when someone is riding a motorcycle. I was told that if you stare at something, you ride towards it but look away and you can veer away.
So, I’m looking to veer away.
I’m looking to find a new focus.
I want to see things now, like the snowfall, which is not too much as far as snowstorms, per se.
But, there is beauty to this.
There’s not too much now but there’s enough to cover the ground with a pure blanket of white.
I like this.
I can even think about a time when I was on a bus when I was younger.
I was heading down from Upstate, New York. The time itself was a sad one and the moment was intense. I was about to face one of the greatest losses in my life. I was young, of course, and my life was about to blossom into this thing we call young adulthood.
I was learning to be a man and at the same time, I was only a kid.
I was a kid yet I was on the verge of understanding mortality because the first example of who or what a man should be was my Father, The Old Man, and he was about to die.
This was the reason for my bus ride.
The sky was a dark shade of charcoal gray. The snow was heavy and the winds were cold. The bus ride was long as ever, slow-moving, like something out of a movie.
I was in a seat with my head leaning against the plexiglass window. There was no one else around me because aside from myself and a few others, the bus was mainly empty.
I was looking outwards at a world and the changing landscapes that blew by.
I can still hear this in my head. I can remember the silence, which was deafening yet the silence was perfect.
The bus was warm. The scene was dark or dim and me, I was sifting through the different thoughts and regrets of my life.
I was thinking about all of the would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve scenarios and mainly, I was thinking about the regrets and my relationship with my Father, The Old Man.
I wished I would have told him more.
I wished I could’ve explained myself better.
I wished he knew that he was my very first hero.
But mainly, I only hoped he knew the truth –
That I loved him.
I know this sounds sad – or maybe this reads like a dreariness, or like the sound of a weeping violin. Maybe this is sad. At the same time, there was something comforting here.
There is nothing wrong with sadness. In fact, I can celebrate this now because there are people in this world who fail to allow themselves such a free range of pure emotion.
There was a moment of solace and understanding. There was an awakening to the truth of humanity, which is time is infinite but life is finite. And this is so for everyone.
We all have a start or beginning, a middle or a high-point, and then we come to a sunset or the twilight before at last, we sleep.
This is life. Thus, this is the reason why I want my life to restart or to begin again, even now at the age of 51, which is still young to some people. However, and admittedly, I can recall when the idea of anything or anyone being 51 years-old was like being a senior citizen to me. I thought this was old.
But I’m not old.
I’m only starting to know what it means to be a kid again
(in a good way).
I am thinking about things like my retirement. I am thinking about the final chapters in my life and since I am, I am thinking about a way to find peace with who I am and with what I have now.
I have to do this.
I absolutely have to because in order for me to reach that next level, or if I am to find peace and comfort, or if I want to live the balance of my life in happy times (or with you) or if I am looking to restart my youth and refigure my examples of life to set a better example for myself, then now is the time to stand and recognize my benefits.
I can make a change at any given moment.
I can do this – even if what I want may seem impossible.
No one can stop me from reaching for the stars.
If I am to find peace, then I have to understand my resources. I have to understand that the past is gone. The future can be decided by the way we handle the “here and now” and going forward, I can’t look back anymore – unless, of course, my look-backs are a means to reflect with joy, then fine – let me color my future with the different shades of yesterday’s celebration – so I can work to better them or top them, one more time.
I can learn from where I was. I can take lessons away from the letdowns and downfalls and even the heartaches and heartbreaks.
I can learn from these as a means to keep myself from repeating what took place and prevent myself from allowing things to happen again.
I can remember that I make mistakes.
Mistakes don’t make me!
I have found that we refuse ourselves in so many ways. We limit our dreams and our growth. We live inward, all too often, and because of this, we tend to predict what our fears assume and hence, we create a focus bias, to which inevitably and often eventually, we ride towards this instead of looking away and finding a new direction.
We can find our failures at any given moment. We can predict them. We can assure them too.
Or, we can look away.
We can look for the peacefulness of, say, heavy snowflakes that fall from the sky, as if to notice that even though there are hard times among us or that we are sad or hurting, look around you.
Trust me, there is something beautiful to see.
Like me, standing here . . waiting.
I know this.
I know that even now, although grown and working on my improvements on a daily basis, I still have the facts of life in front of me. I still have worries and fears and yes, I still have my bouts with loneliness.
I have fears and worries that something about me is mismatched or out-of-place or that something is “wrong” with me to the point where I am literally unmatchable or undesirable and that essentially, I am destined to be alone or forever misunderstood.
I admit to this way of thinking.
But ah, I have other thoughts too.
Like, take love for example.
I have ideas of what love is.
I think love is her, in warm socks on a day like today.
Snuggled in a couch and waiting
(for me)
I think love has curves and hips and cute little toes.
I think love has a smile that can cure any pain and certainly, I believe that my love has a laugh that can cure the emotional cancers to which I agree – I know what it’s like to miss this or to long for this because yes, I think that love of this caliber is no different from a drug which comes with an unmatchable euphoria and rather than allow my worst thoughts to euthanize my dreams, I can change my focus.
I can wonder and dream or even fantasize about what my love would be like on mornings like, snowy, quiet and calm, and bundled beneath a mound of blankets that cover my bed.
Sure, I know what withdrawal is.
I know what it means to miss someone or something. I also know all about the unfortunate and irrational focuses that I’ve pondered upon, which have done nothing else but make me distant from life.
Thoughts like this prevent me from truly living my life and more, this kind of thinking has done nothing else but allow me to focus on the pain and heartache.
A friend of mine once told me to stop playing the movies out in my head.
I agree.
Stop thinking and focusing on the thoughts that hurt my feelings.
I agree with that too.
I think there is something in this for everyone.
No?
I know that I have much to learn, And that’s fine.
Besides, I have decided to restart my youth
(at the age of 51)
and youth comes with a learning curve.
So, I’ll learn.
I will listen too but more closely this time because life is meant to be lived and love is meant to be shared. As for the snow and as for my focus, I think I’ll look away for now.
I will change my focus to remove my bias.
I will make a switch so this way I can change my direction and see better sights, which is fine
as long as you (my love) are with me.
I have this dream of mine. I am in a house.
My house.
The snow has fallen.
I shoveled and cleared the driveway.
I come in. My love is there.
Dressed warm . . .
Socks covering her feet to keep her toes warm.
Cozy, she is.
I like this dream.
I think I’ll focus on this for a while
I can dream like this
(Until you come true)
The Written Addiction 