I believe that in life, even our dreams may die. Unless we feed them.
Unless we care for them. Yes, our dreams are very much alive.
I believe in work. And further, I believe it was in the Book of James when it was said, faith without works is dead.
What is faith without the works behind it?
I agree. What does faith mean without any depth behind it?
What is it to believe in something without any motivation to make our beliefs come to light?
You have to work. Nothing is ever free.
Even laziness takes work.
Trust me.
You have to move. You to do something.
If you “want it,” than you have to “work for it!”
Faith alone is nothing or meaningless.
So, let me ask you something.
Is it enough to “just” believe?
Is it enough to believe and do nothing else but allow faith to rise to the occasion?
Or, is it better to plant the seeds and nurture them because it is not just the faith, it is the faith behind our works that yes, if we work and nurture our crops, our seeds can grow.
There is the saying that goes, “nothing happens if nothing happens.”
But, if we try and if we move, or at the worst of times, if we refuse to give in; or if we refuse to surrender, and should we decide that our sense of inner peace is worth fighting for, or if we are absolutely sick and tired of being sick and tired and dissatisfied, then yes, this is the time for action.
This is the time to become that inner-warrior.
Be the soldier.
Now is the time for battle. Not surrender.
Not retreat.
Now is the time for us to come to our own rescue because yes, even our dreams may die – unless we fight for them.
This is why I have not quit or given up, especially when it comes to you.
I have faltered and flawed and made mistakes.
But despite my faults and all, my love and my yearning is still and will always remain true,
And, as I see it –
Our dreams are alive and like any life, our dreams need to be cared for. Like a child needs our care to grow, our dreams are no different.
They need to be nurtured. Like any seed, they need the necessary care for them to grow.
Otherwise, our dreams will never sprout.
No flowers. No fruit.
Nothing – just a baron or empty garden of lost or wasted potential.
Life is this way. Our body is this way too.
Our body needs work.
Our muscles need to be used otherwise they weaken or become useless.
I am writing this journal about peace yet today, I am writing about the fights and battles and the wars and needed uprising it takes to find our peace.
I am here to say fight back.
Fight back against your shame.
Fight back against your depression.
Fight back against your inaccurate views of “self.”
You have to save your own life.
Each day.
Or, as we alike to say: All Day, Every Day!
you have to do this, relentlessly, because otherwise, our emotional challenges will always be unrelenting.
If this is true, then it is also true that we have to be our own best friend. We have to be our own superhero.
No one can do this for us.
No one can come to the only realization that opens our eyes and wakes us up.
The skin I want.
The skin I’m in.
The life I want.
The life I live.
I dare someone to try and steal this from me, by the way.
This is mine. I claim this.
I have the right to claim this too.
This is no differently from how I claimed you
(with love).
However, you can take this if you need –
The skin you want
The skin you’re in
The life you want
The life we live . . .
These two need to match.
We need to make this happen.
We need to fight the internal oppressor and the inner voice or whisper that screams at us, which happens all too often. We need to stand tall or stand up to be counted and say, “that’s it.”
“No more!”
“I want it!”
There are no two words quite as freeing as these two.
NO MORE!
So, work!
Move and fight back.
Fight back against that internal oppressor because rest assured, you are the most beautiful person in this world.
I have never seen anyone like you.
You inspire me. You motivate me.
You push me to work for the skin I want to be more than just “the skin I’m in.”
Believe me when I tell you that if any of the voices of insecurity were true and if it were true that we were as weak as we are afraid to be, or that we if it were true that we are truly incapable of standing up against the rising of the sad tides in our heads; then we would never have the wherewithal to dream or wish or want more.
This is why depression wins.
This is because we truly want more.
But our bodies do not follow our hearts.
So, we sink.
Or, perhaps I will keep this “on me,” because if it is “on me” then it is always “up to me” to stand up, no matter how hard this can be; and next, I have to point my finger in the right direction, which is actually inward.
Understand?
Me . . .
My depression is not because I am a bad person or because I made unfortunate choices.
This is not because I listened to the wrong side of my fears.
My depression is a result of me quitting on myself. My depression is because I failed to launch.
I am pissed at me for allowing myself to fall below my best levels of true and best potential.
My depression is because I am rebelling against what I see or what I think or feel.
And my emotions, well – this is innate.
These are chemical reactions to the energies around me and since I don’t like what’s around me, or should I say, since I did nothing to defend myself or since I never allowed myself the position to become my own superhero, I have sunk below the levels of my potential.
At my worst, I had sunk into the emotional quicksand. I knew that I am capable of more and that I am capable of better yet I did nothing. I nurtured nothing. I fell down and never dared to stand back up.
Yes, even dreams may die.
I agree.
I have held vigils for countless dreams and wishes, hopes and fantasies.
I have mourned them deeply and sadly.
I gave into the depth of my depression – and though I tried, I can tell you that depression makes the knees weak.
This is a symptom, of course,
not the problem.
However, still . . .
The symptoms are all too real.
Ever have a dream and in that dream, you try to run away from something but your feet won’t move, as if your feet and your legs are like Jello, or glued to the ground? Try as you might – you can’t run and you can’t get away.
I compare this to my anxiety which is either what fuels my depression or vice-versa.
Perhaps this is the same question as to which came first, the chicken or the egg.
Was it my anxiety first? Or was I anxious because I was depressed and expected the worst? I assumed I would be this way, all the time.
I remember a doctor telling me that I am depressed, not anxious. There was another doctor who told me that I am depressed because I was anxious.
I don’t care which came first. I don’t care about the symptomatic problems. I care about the core because if my anxiety were true and I was nothing more than the sum of my irrational fears; or adversely, if it were my depression that was true, that I am only ugly at best, then I would never notice things like the sun or the sunset or the way the autumn sky looks at the hours of sundown when the orange hue from the sun casts its light across the trees.
If I were an evil or bad person or if the sum of my predictions were true, or if it were true that I was equally as worthless or as incapable or if I was truly that “imposter” my fears assume that I am – then you and I would have never met the way we did.
I would never have the fortune of fate, which has led me here, consistently to you, each and every day.
I have to fight for my freedom which is peace in a world that is anything but peaceful.
I have to save my own life.
And so do you.
No one will do this for us.
No one will lose the weight for me.
No one will strengthen my muscles.
No one can overcome my demons but me and no one, and I do mean absolutely nobody, will come to the realization for me that will open my eyes long enough so that my will and my intent can at last overcome my doubts and fears.
In which case, at that very moment when I declare my war and become the soldier to guard my peace; at the moment when my will and my intent overcome my fears and my doubts; the enemy within become so small and my might becomes so strong that yes, I can stand stall and find my victory.
And so can you.
Yes, we can rise now.
We can recover.
We can literally overcome anything because, again, if even dreams can die, then our dreams can also be reborn – just like us, each day – born for anew day to make something happen.
Today –
I want to defy the demons who look to destroy my dreams.
And my depression – sure, he lives with me.
Only, we talk now.
We’re on speaking terms, which has allowed me to come up with a better truce.
So, I can live.
There was a day which I remember.
I couldn’t even stand up.
I swore I didn’t have the strength to do anything, which was not true.
I had the strength. However, I chose to put my energy into my depression.
Not my work.
Faith without work is dead.
So am I which is why I keep busy and yes, this is why I actively seek you out, each and every morning.
So, I can breathe.
So I can fight back another day.
This is why I love you, by the way.
You help me to believe that I am capable.
That my life is possible.
The skin I’m in can be the skin I want
And the life I want WILL become the life I have
But I have to keep at this
Otherwise, yes
Even our dreams may die
But not mine.
Not today.
See you soon –
My love is out there, soon enough
In the clouds
My dreams
My take-off
My heart in the hands of Heaven and the Father, and yes
I know that He is on my side.
If it weren’t true –
Then I wouldn’t have you to push me to work this hard
(each and every morning).
Faith without work is dead.
Time to keep this thing alive.
The Written Addiction 