There is no reason to find fault or to assign blame to anyone or any particular thing, at least not anymore.
This is us which means that acceptance has to start here. We have to own our spot and position.
This is where we are and yes, like we have been talking about in the last few entries, there’s been the discussion about “the skin I want” and the often-apparent difference that notes the skin we’re in.
We started to approach the difference between the two:
The skin I want.
The skin I’m in.
The life we want.
The life we live.
We all want peace.
We want balance.
We want to be able to face the day without all of the draining hassles or all the ongoing bullshit that surrounds us. We want to make it through the day without the back-and-forth volley of who is right or who is wrong and yes, we have to deal with the cesspool activities whereas life can be a bitch and people can be a bitch too.
Life can be draining. Let’s face it, common courtesy, common sense and even common decency is not so common anymore.
I have seen this for myself. I suppose you have too.
If you haven’t or if you need a reminder, take public transportation of any kind or walk through the airport where people mindlessly step wherever they choose without ever muttering the words “excuse me” when stepping right in front of you.
Ah, Saturday morning –
I sit here with you and sip my special blend of morning coffee.
I have made it this way, strong, and I call it my special blend because this is made up of one-shot espresso, one part of a special Cuban blend called Café con Leche and another part which is a powerful, wake-me-up blend, all compiling three separate pods for my magical coffee machine. Plus, I added a little cinnamon to the mix to punctuate the flavor.
And yes, it worked.
You’re welcome to a cup as well, if you’d like.
Either way, It is cold outside. The temperatures has dropped enough to show what winter is capable of. This means it’s below the freezing mark. This side of the globe is tilted away from the sun – at least for now, but believe me when I tell you spring will be here before we know it. Hence, the great thaw of our part in the Northern Hemisphere will take place and life will seem to rejuvenate – the robins will return and so will the warm winds.
Life is cyclical. Remember?
Just like the seasons.
The sun is out yet there is no physical warmth to her presence – there is only a view to her true beauty, which has been evident this morning. I say this with all sincerity because I could feel something in the mix which means that a change is on the way.
I don’t know what that change is or what the change will be.
I’m not even sure what the changes would mean, at least not yet; but at some point, I know that the next step will be revealed to me in time. Hopefully, my efforts to regain my sense of sanity and my work, which I have put in to this or any other journal, will be like the seed that sprouts my dream.
The sunrise was pretty this morning. Lonely too, which is not to say that it was sad; but more, I think there was something so poignant and so valis this morning. I saw the sky change at first light. I saw the break of dawn.
I love this.
My friend Little Chicken, the Parrot was on my shoulder for a while.
She is now squawking and dancing her little dance to the music on top of her cage.
Then again, this is her happy dance so who am I to interrupt?
(I sip from my cup – I exhale, and here we go . . .)
We have been talking about the life we want and the life we live. We have also been talking about what James said when he wrote that “faith without works is dead.”
And James was right.
It is dead.
How can anything be alive if there is no work to keep it lively?
No one can live on faith alone. We need work.
We need to put in work, each and every day, and we need to grind.
We need to make things happen because otherwise, we find ourselves waiting around for something to happen or for something to change.
We’re waiting for something. But then nothing comes – at least not in our time or in our way – and, of course, I believe in patience and timing.
Of course, I do.
I also believe that dreams do not magically appear nor can they survive without the work it takes to make our dreams come true.
I know this.
I also know about the soul’s need to find its place in the world.
I know about the lack or the loss of purpose.
I know about life when stuck in the wasted abandon of sad or unfortunate indecisions and yes, I know the struggles of stagnant complacency. I know about the symptoms and the aftermath when it comes to procrastination. I know what happens when we settle. I know what this does to the heart as well as to our sense of peace.
I know that if the skin I want and the skin I’m in are not the same, or if the life I want and the life I live are too far apart, then my balance is off.
This means I am off. This is how depression advances and anxiety overwhelms us.
I understand this one true thing: I am who I am.
This is me.
You are you. And that’s perfect.
I cannot change who I am yet I can change anything I choose.
However, my core is my core. At my core, I am a person.
I am someone who has been striving to find where I belong.
I want to know what happiness looks like. I want to know what comfort is – not complacency – and with that, I want to understand the different stages of a satisfied life; as if to be truly happy; as if to be grateful and while still on the quest for more, and while still looking to be better or to improve or on a path to further enlighten my journey, I want to enjoy what I have. Pure and simple.
Meanwhile, I do not want anything to prevent me from seeking an ongoing and brighter path on a daily basis.
I know that the seed has to begin within.
The seed is acceptance.
This is it.
Shit will happen.
And sadly, not everyone is going to be a happy or a satisfied customer.
I get that.
I know there will be losses along the way. And I get that too.
There will be bouts and intercepting moments of pain or even suffering. But, then again, there will always be a moment to recover or a time to regain our composure.
There is no law that says we have to lay down – or stay down and there are certainly no laws against us improving ourselves at the core.
We can change our minds at any given moment and make the choice to be our best or truest selves, and more, we can also claim our spot in this world, right next to each other. No one can stop us, regardless if they agree or not.
There is no law against the soul trying to find peace (or purpose) and there is no law that can take away the right to improve our world.
No matter where our world may be or what this looks like, nothing can stop us.
I go back to that story I told you.
This is not my story.
This is a story that I heard from someone who was the oldest surviving inmate from Alcatraz.
He talked about serving time in “the hole,” remember?
He said there was no light.
The room was darker than dark could be.
He defined the smell as gross, or maybe ungodly.
He said they called it “the Hole” because there was a hole in the floor which is where the inmates went to the bathroom – so again, I suppose the smell is worse than unimaginable.
The inmate would be tossed in the dark cell to which he sank to his knees. He popped off one of his shirt buttons and then tossed the button over his shoulder.
Next, he scoured the floor in search of the button. He crawled through muck and filth, rat shit and roaches. And once he found the button, the inmate would repeat the process, over and over.
He said they took his light. They took his freedom. The took away his fresh air. They took everything away from him but to his defense, the inmate said that he refused to allow them to take his mind.
That’s why he kept his search for his button.
He gave his mind something to work on.
My goal is to find my button too.
And no, I’m not in prison nor am I in solitary. I am not in the special housing unit or the hole. However, I do understand the confines that come with living in the prison of the mind.
But I want out . . .
I say this because I know that there’s peace out there.
Cold as it may be in the winter –
I know there is love and peace and a world of my own, just waiting for me.
And love?
Sure –
I know who you are.
I know exactly who you are and perhaps I know you more or better than anybody else does.
That’s why I pay attention to you – to show you that I notice little things, like say, the way your face changes when you hear something you agree with – or how you exhale or breathe out when stress hits your anxiety bone.
I know you . . .
And you know me too.
It’s cold outside in our half of the world.
So, dress warm – or take my warmth from here.
Just know that it is only a matter of time until our half of the earth tilts closer to the sun again – and you and I, well . . . we want to feel the warmth from the sun again.
Until then, it would appear that we have a few buttons to find.
(If you know what I mean.)
The Written Addiction 