If That Were True – About To Be Brave

I have been coming here for years now. And yes, I have opened up more than once. I have revealed things that no one else reveals or talks about. Is this brave?
Maybe it is . . .
But to me, there’s no one around (but us).

So, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to uncover something and leave this here (for you).
My hope is that you find this and keep this in a safe spot. I hope that this finds you too and places a warmth in your heart which has otherwise been either abandoned or misled.

I say this because yes, we have all been misled a few times.
Some more than others and in my case, I can say that yep – I am one of the “some,” so-to-speak.
So here it goes –
I hope you’re ready –

I was thinking more about the stoic and the ability to be disconnected or unattached to irrational or unnecessary passions.
I was thinking about two words: quiet resilience. I’d like to be this way – unmoved by a social construct and uncaring about the bullshit nonsense that trips us at the worst times.
Again, I repeat two words - Quiet Resilience.
I like these words.
I love them , , ,

I like the idea of not showing every ounce of pain or wasting moments with complaint after complaint.
I like to think about how it would be to disconnect from the insecure voices we hear which means there would be no more need to overly explain anymore.
I like the idea of personal endurance; in which case, I can live through and survive anything. No matter what, I can stand back up regardless of how tough or how bad the news might be.
No matter what happens or who tries to insult me or worse, despite any of the so-called attempts on my safety or my sanity, no one is that important that I could lose sight of myself.
No one is that strong or strong enough to take away my understanding of my worth or importance.
I love this idea.
No one can destroy my sense of inner peace. Let’s be clear- I understand that perhaps this sounds almost machine-like. But no, I do not think this means we are absent of joy or emotion in any regard. Instead, I think this means we relieve ourselves from the addiction to unnecessary passions.
We don’t have to live according to the rules of win or lose.
I think we can pull this off. No, seriously.
I really think this is possible.
I think this takes training.
However, I think in the case of personal justice, if we find our inner balance and stoicism, nothing and no one is that strong or so powerful that they come in and disturb our peace of mind.
No more quiet or out-loud desperation. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve; no more “tells” or signs or giveaways and no more allowing the gossip mills or the rumor factories to take their turn on my name or allowing them or anyone else to have this much importance that they destroy my life.

Nothing and no one would be so strong or powerful. Except for myself, of course.
I would be the pillar of my own hope, my own strength and, of course, I would be the source of my own inspiration as well as an irreversible peace.

I think about my friend, The Old Tree, that I used to see on a daily basis. The tree was not anything more magnificent than any other tree one could find on the side of a road in a small suburban town.
Now, I can say that my friend, The Old Tree, was not pretty by any means, at least not commercially pretty.
But to me, my friend was always beautiful.
And here’s why.

The Old Tree was around for a very long time. Yet, as pretty as the other trees might have been and as tall as they might have grown in less time, all the other trees on my block were younger than my friend, The Old Tree.
Hence the name, my friend, The Old Tree.
I remember hearing some of the neighbors complain about The Old Tree yet, The Old Tree refused to fall.

I can remember each summer when only part of The Old Tree would regrow its leaves. Its limbs were partly balding like an old man who had seen decades of life, and while yes, I can say the other trees on the block stood perhaps a bit taller or maybe their leaves were fuller or more appealing to the eye - but my friend, The Old Tree, he never fell or faded or weakened.
The Old Tree never fell when the storms came our way. The Old Tree never fell during the hurricanes. But other trees, such as the younger ones, and the taller ones, or the trees which appeared more lively or fuller yet their roots were not down deep enough into the earth to save their proud or pretty little lives – they fell down during the storms.
But not The Old Tree. No. He always remained.
He was my hero.
The Old Tree had roots that were down too deep for the tree to be shaken or moved.

I loved that about my friend.
I loved that despite what people said to him, or how people remarked about his lack of beauty, and regardless of the complaints from the neighbors to the town to chop The Old Tree down, or regardless of whether it was aesthetically pleasing or pretty to the eye or not – The Old Tree never toppled, never broke and never fell.
He stood still.
No matter what.

There are times when I see us as all too influenced by the word of mouth.
I see us as all to moved by insults or the back and forth banter of sarcasm.
We are subject to this on a daily basis.
There are times when I see us as all too invested in the daily bullshit of who knows who, who stands tallest, who is prettiest or fit or more aesthetically pleasing to the eye.
The grass is always greener.
He who dies with the most toys wins.
Keep up with the Joneses.
It’s not who you are, it’s what you wear (because who really cares who you are anyway).
I’m tired of this way of thinking.
I’m tired of society’s input or the need to be “like others.”
I’m tired of the defense mechanisms that we use to survive.
Such as never let anyone see you sweat or be weak – and never allow someone the joy of seeing your pain.

I can see how and why people live this way. Yes, I can say that I have met people who enjoy when others miss their shots or lose their place or fall down.
I can say that I have encountered people who look to put other people down, just so no one gets ahead of them in line.
Just to keep people beneath them.
I know people like this – and yes, I used to hate them. Then I felt bad for them.
But now, I don’t want to have any regard for them in either direction.
I don’t want to care about these things anymore.
Besides, this drains me of my energy.
I don’t want to care about who says what.
I don’t want to give the gossip mills and the rumor factories another minute of my time.

I don’t want to lose another second of sleep or worry about the things which are beyond my control because this robs me of my freedom and more, this disrupts and disturbs my peace.
I don’t want to take on the insults of the world anymore or waste my time by thinking about the unchangeable notions which come with the “out-of-my-control” problems, such as people, places or things.
I don’t want to waste my energy. I certainly do not want to risk my sanity and lastly, I do not want to compromise my sense of peace anymore by feeding into an unhelpful system of thoughts.

I have lived a life which was all too invested in the regards for others. I was too invested in an outside or an external acceptance of others. “Just please . . . like me!”

I wasted too many years with people pleasing or otherwise, I wasted too much time while trying to prove myself – or trying to prove that I was painless or cool, like some kind of dark and mysterious character out of a novel – so, I’d never flinch, at least not in front of anyone. But deep down, I flinched.
I flinched for sure. I wept too.
I felt pain right down to my core.

I tried to portray as if I was unmoved or as if I didn’t care – but I did care.
I always cared and I was always moved.
I have been hurt too, more times than I can count.
I’ve been the fool and played the fool and sometimes, I volunteered to be the fool, just to fulfil my own senseless predictions about me. I have done this plenty of times.
And so have you, I suppose.
So have others.
We have all been hurt. We have all seen the unfair sides of life.
.And it’s true –
No one escapes unscathed. I understand this and by now, so do you.

Either way, the stoic does not hinge themselves to this sort of life. They do not over-ponder or consider this way of thinking,. No, they would rather destroy this mindset by removing this kind of thinking.
Ah, the stoic.
Theirs is a discipline which I would like to incorporate into my own life.
I want to do this, not just to be unmoved by unfortunate things, but instead, to realize that even if something is personal or there is an actual attack against me – nothing and no one has the right to disturb or destroy my sanity.
This is a power which is often given away and some times, this is given too freely.
Unless, we choose otherwise.

Now for the personal part. This is where I test my bravery and more to the point, this is why I am here –

I have lived a life that was at the mercy of outside things. I was always looking for acceptance. I wanted to be wanted and liked, included and invited. I have said this to you before. However, it is time for me to say this again.
I always tried to include or involve myself. However, the more I tried, the less I learned about what a compliment it is to actually be invited.

I lived so deeply within myself and in the depth of my insecurities, I never dared to smile or to allow myself to experience joy. I refrained from this because I was afraid to be happy. I was afraid to smile. Or more accurately, I was afraid to let go of my pain.
I was afraid of all of the above because what happens if we let go of these things?
What happens if I let my guard down?
What happens if I show my true self?
What happens if I remove the wall and someone or something infiltrates – or if I break this down to the least common denominator, what happens if I let go of the pain and the pain comes back?

How would I face this?
I used to believe that misery could be constant. And that if the saying were true, that what goes around comes around – then I believed that my place belonged in the underbelly of the cycle. I saw no worth or reason or value behind happy things because my fear of losing this was too strong to allow me to go after my dreams and try, try again.

Sound silly?
Maybe it is silly.
But it’s also honest.

In part, this is why I was always so guarded. Yet, there were times when I gave myself away too freely or to dangerous people or places and things. The math never added up. I trusted untrustworthy people and the trust worthy were passed over.
I did this.
I took the wrong gambles and the unnecessary risks. There are literally more than 7 billion people in this world and somehow, I wasted my time by worrying about the people who either disliked me or disapproved; or I wasted my years worrying about who would accept me, who would want me (as I am) and who would reject me or see me as I feared which is worthless or weak, – and last, who would want someone who lived so deeply within their own mind? Who would want someone who, at best, all I could do was be afraid which is why I would ask, who would want someone like this?
Who would want someone like ME?

Someone would . . .
Someone does  . . .
More importantly, I have to remove myself from the chopping block.
I have to restore my own sanity by finding peace within myself because if that were true, if it were true that I was unworthy or unlikable or unlovable, then I would have nothing that I have now – I would be more alone but moreover, I would not be where I am today. In fact, if I were that bad – I wouldn’t even have today, today . . .
Understand?

The mind has been tricked. Both mine and yours.
We are no longer free to be victims of our past traumas. Not anymore.
At this point, we have the right and the responsibility to update our thinking.
We have the right to restore our own sanity, to make ourselves a top priority, to be our own best friend, our own hero – and in the end, we have earned the right to disconnect and unhinge ourselves from the unneeded dramas or the unnecessary thoughts that condemn us in our own head.

So, by now, if you’ve notice, which I am sure that you have – I often regard our minds and our inner voice and the boundaries and limitations of our worst inner-judgments.

This is how and why people are held captive to themselves.
I don’t want to be held captive like this anymore.
It has robbed me of too many things – and more, this has been a symptom of destruction between myself and far too many others in my life. I’m sorry for this. I am sorry for my contribution to our downfalls.
But yes, I orchestrated my self-destruction; however, I hurt people who I care for.
I also missed the opportunities to celebrate my love for those who I love most.
Instead, I betrayed them as well as myself.
I never had the chance to dance when I was young.
I was always too worried that one of my steps might be off – but here I am, at the age of 51 – and, if you wouldn’t mind, or if we can find a good song, I’d like to dance with you – if you’re open to it.

This way, I can smile and laugh and swing around and sing. I can do all of this and not worry about the curve of my smile or the imperfection of my teeth. I can talk and not worry about the sound of my voice because, well, if you don’t mind me saying so – you would never let me believe that I am anything other than beautiful.
(Know what I mean?)

I’ve never let my guard down.
But I want to.
I want to be like friend, The Old Tree.

I want to stand on my own two feet.
I want to stand as I am and be uncaring about the world.
I want to be unaffected because my roots are too deep for me to be toppled or downed.
I want you to see me. I want you to see everything there is about me – faults and flaws, vulnerabilities, scars and all.

So, if you’d like, come in.
Sit down.
Look around because this . . .
This is the real me and yes, these are the bravest things I have ever said to anyone.

But that’s okay. I don’t have to be afraid anymore.
Besides, there’s no one here
(except for you and me . . . right?)