Now is a good time to start . . .
In fact, now is the perfect time. It’s a great time to remove the blockages that keep us from moving forward.
This is it, right here,
This is a great time to stand up and be counted. It’s a great time to make a move, to do something, anything, even if it’s wrong or uncomfortable – now is the best time to make a move.
Right now. I say this because if we think about it, we have been still for way too long.
Now is the best time to start your plan.
This is the only moment. This is it.
Right now – and rainy or sunny, no matter where or when this finds you, trust me –
this is the right time to make a move.
I see this time each day, early morning, and the hours come and they go, but right now, we have the chance to do something different. We have the chance to do something heroic.
This can be great (if we let it).
We can change anything we choose.
We can make a plan. Set up some goals.
We can create a strategy and then we can make them so.
We can pull this off, like a magician pulling off a trick.
We can do magic because to me, everything about us is magical.
Oh, and by the way –
Not everything has to be done today. No, we might not finish everything we set out to do – but still, at least we did something. At least we tried. At least we dared.
At least we are one step closer to being who we want to be or living the life we want to have. And more, at least our faith is not without works because as we have been saying, and if it is true that “Faith without works is dead,” then now is the time to put work into our faith.
Now is the time for action.
This means now.
Not later. Not when “this” happens or when something pivotal takes place to shine a light or give us “the go!”
Now!
Not when the time is right, or if for some reason, timing has always been the case and there never seems to be that perfect window of opportunity. If that’s always been the case then just know it, now is the time to make your mark.
Strike now and strike hard, and now, above all times; now is the time to make a decision. I say this because indecision is a killer.
Trust me.
Or, would you rather say with the same old mid-level life, with no highs or lows, no total fulfillment, no wealth of personal satisfaction, no physical rewards or emotional, intimate or spiritual rewards either and thus, there would be nothing out there for you except for more of the same.
If this is your life, or if this is “our” life and if we look around and see that we want more; as in to feel more, or to thirst more or to be hungry for more; and if we look around and our surroundings are lackluster or loveless, spiritless and joyless, or if at minimum, if we look around and see no wealth of inspiration or motivation to push, build, grow, jump up and down or reasons to be better, then let me ask you, what kind of life is this?
Is this what we want?
Do we want to be bored or uninspired?
Do we want to lose the lust for life by allowing each day to peel from the calendar?
Do we want a life without any significance?
Is this it?
I looked around and acted as a witness through most of my life. I watched life happen and I never truly interacted. I never allowed myself to touch the thrills of victory because I was too afraid of losing or the loss of anything subsequently, which means that yes, there were smiles and good times, but what happens when they fade?
I was afraid of this.
I can say that my biggest reason for my loneliness was (and is) because I never dared to be truly open or vulnerable.
I never allowed myself to be this free (or honest).
I never allowed myself the thrill of the dance and by this, I mean I was too inward. I was too worried. I was always expecting the next thing to go wrong or that the person who I’d invest in, be it a friend, or to be closer to the point, I was most afraid that a lover would eventually see past the curtains and not love me back.
I was always afraid that you would see what was inside of me – that you would see the real me, the imperfections, and the faults and the flaws, which were more than apparent to me and obvious as well, – and more than amplified, as if they were more than a secret, and worse than the fear or being “found out,” was always afraid to be exposed and humiliated – and lastly, I took to my own defense which meant that I was never true.
I was always the thief and me, I was what I would call a broken soul. To be truthful about this; a broken soul can only care for itself. And so, if the eyes are the window of the soul, I’d look to find the easy access points and like a cancer or like a weed, or even a parasite and invasive like a terror – I would take what I could and absorb the resources of the opened windows of beautiful souls – and someday, yes, I know that I will have to pay for this. Maybe now is that time – to pay for this, I mean. Or, maybe the symptoms of my loneliness are cyclical, like the cycle of some repetitive virus – and while there are days or remission or goodness, the cycle spins and therefore, the downfall is inevitable in a life like this.
Yes – I was that broken soul.
Yes – I took advantage because like a scavenger, I thought that there would be no other way for me to eat or survive. So, I used whatever I could and whomever I could.
I offer this with all of my sincerity and in the clearest form of transparency. I admit to the crimes of a broken soul, of climbing through the windows of other souls, of being a scavenger, of being a leach, of draining good people, or betraying them, and after they were dwindled down to nothing else but humble – I admit to my exits. I admit to all of this.
I admit this to you (at my own risk) because this is the only way I can cure the broken edges of my soul.
This is the only way I can find accountability and to make the changes that I need to make – I have come here to claim this moment, from here on because effective immediately, I renounce my old soul.
I remove myself from my old circumstances. I forgive my debts to myself and more, I remove myself from the lists of wrongs that I have done which have harmed me from an inward perspective.
I let go of all I have done and as for the wrongs which have been done to me or as to the list of so-called friends or to those who had either wronged or betrayed me; I relieve myself from these burdens because none of this has ever brought me peace.
No lie has ever successfully brought me the benefit of ongoing peace or happiness.
And yes. I’ve lied.
I’ve lied a lot. I’ve lied to myself. I’ve lied to you. I’ve lied to the world.
I was never true or loyal.
I admit this now.
I do not say that I am all bad or that this is all that I am.
It’s not.
But, this is part of who I am and in part, this is why I was never able to find peace.
No one can find peace in a lie.
I can say that I have always been honest when I am here – but to be clear, I am only here for a small part of the morning. The rest of the day is impacted by my demons, my faults and flaws, my fears and worries about survival, and my need to save face or to be wanted, included, adored, admired or loved and yes – I want all the good things that come with love.
Like, say, you for example.
But I have to say this now, like faith, love without work is dead too. And I never did the work very well. I was always too guarded. I was always too afraid and there were always too many reservations in my head –
I seldom, if ever, believed that I was “good enough” or that love was “real” or that true love could last forever . . .
But it is all of this is.
I was never sold that this was true.
Of course, I knew that love was true in fairy tales. I know that love works out on television shows and in the movies. But when it comes to real life or when it comes to real love, I was always too afraid that I would be the fool.
I was afraid that I would be left foolishly and, simply put, I was always afraid to be that vulnerable and to be that torn-up person who loved with all of their heart but in the end, no one ever really loved me back.
I have always been afraid of this. I was a coward
And maybe I still am . . .
I was afraid of either trying and love didn’t work out or worse, I was always afraid that I was the only one who felt love this much, and that no one really loved me back the way I loved them.
This is my personal side to this entry; however, if now is the time to make a stand and if now is the time to make a plea – then so be it.
Let me do this now then and get this out of the way – I do believe in love.
I just don’t want to be the only one.
I do believe in the power of touch or the soothingness of the right voice or the feel of the right body, as if to say – no one else can make me feel this way. No one else can hold me like this. No one else can keep me like this or captivate me with such a wild or feverish lust, crazy as ever yet as wild as I am and ferocious as my love can be; there is something calm about this, something soothing and reassuring and perfect, like two pieces who fit together, regardless of the broken edges of their jagged soul.
I do not want to be a leech anymore. I do not want to devour or use people the way I did.
I do not want to be wrong or bad or evil or like a parasite. Not now. Not ever again.
I do not want to feast on the flesh of someone’s soul just for a selfish need to live, survive or to get over, one more time.
Now is the right time to come clean, as if to wipe the slate, so that I can start over, fresh.
I have said this in entries before and equally, I have said this in previous journals before this one – I am just a child. I am new in so many ways. I am peeking out from behind the leg of my adult self, like a shy little boy who wants to see the world but has always been too timid to play with others or too afraid to laugh or pretend or dance and sing.
But now is the time.
And you . . .
You have my heart. You have everything that it takes to make my heart beat or my lungs breath. You have my list of dreams and at your command; you have me here, waiting for the next best thing.
I cannot be who I was anymore. I cannot take advantage of love or love’s generosity. I cannot allow life to be so lifeless or loveless that I do nothing else but complain about the skin I’m in as opposed to the skin I’ve always wanted.
I am here to remove my blockages and to openly expose myself so that there is nothing to hide behind. There are no more walls left. There are no swords or shields or any weapons of self-destruction, nor is there anything hidden, per se, like some kind of selfish agenda.
I am here and putting this out to the universe- to hold myself accountable for my wrongs, my dishonesties, my selfish, self-centeredness, my need for “more” just so that I will never feel empty or alone.
And even if I am alone, I am not as alone as I used to be.
I mention this because the one thing this life has taught me is the most lonely feeling isn’t to be alone and by yourself – no, the worst loneliness of all is to be around people in a crowd or even if it’s just with one person or the wrong person – the worst brand of loneliness is this – to be in the company of others and to feel more alone than ever before.
If I am to find peace or if “we” are to find peace, then let’s start this now. Let me start by freeing my demons who I have kept captive, who in turn, these are the demons that kept me captive, which I allowed to happen.
This is the fuel that machined my broken soul theory and this is why I climbed into the windows and committed thefts of the heart – because I was a coward, a parasite, and yes – I was a lie.
I was all of this.
I am here to release these things, like the demons and the embarrassing details of my past, because if I am to change, then I have to be honest about what needs to change.
These are the whispers of insecurity. These are my doubts and fears. And yes, I get it – none of this makes me more lovable or attractive yet, I am opening this box to remove what was held captive, which is my truth and my true spirit.
I know that this might seem too much, which I am
(too much).
However, I am here to find peace and not to please the masses. I am not here to make friends with the unfriendly. I am not here to buy someone’s vote or beg for someone else’s approval.
More to the point, I am here to better myself by allowing myself to be honest – because this is the way to find peace.
No lie has ever brought me peace – at least not on a long-term basis.
No.
The only way I can find peace within myself and by risking it all; including judgment and rejection – I am removing every layer that I used to hide behind. There are no more decorations. There are no more secrets.
This is me.
Whether I stand alone now as a temporary station or if I am to be alone on a long-term or a more permanent basis – then fine, I can say that I put this out there.
I put work into my faith as well as I put work into my love.
I remember hearing it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I’m not sure how I see that quote. I don’t know about loss being so great. I know a lot about loss – I can see how loss becomes greater when we discover our own contributory negligence.
I remember someone asking me if anyone has ever died from a broken heart. My answer is yes. Daily. All the time. And there are people who live this way – broken souls and all.
Maybe this is all a reason for you or for anyone to run away from me.
Then fine.
I declared my truth and my life and my past and all of the above to reveal everything –
because in all fairness, I do not want anything to ever come between us again.
I don’t want to live that way.
I don’t want the wars anymore, which means it’s okay for my wild soldiers and my infinite infantry to retreat or surrender –
so I can find peace.
All I want is this now-
To have and to hold
For richer or poorer
And in sickness and in health –
I have been all too familiar with the sickness side of this. I’ve been the one to inhale, which means the other half had to breathe out, just so I could breathe in.
But now –
I stand upon this moment, like a dock at the bay of a new existence, with hand on heart, with the universe as my witness, and my Sacred Mother, Mother Earth, And Father Time, The Almighty, the great big sky, the moon and the stars, the sun and the Earth and with all of them as my witness, I stand here before you, openly and admittingly human and flawed and with my hand on my heart, swearing but loving now, as in now more than ever, which is not to say that my love is new, but still –
I am here.
None of this is new.
No.
This is only me allowing myself to be free – this is the child in me coming out from behind the adult leg of my spirit; no longer hiding and no longer timid to show my truth, asking for a moment with you, to hold your hand for life (or longer).
I have so much more to catch up on. I have more to do.
But here is a good place to start. Now is the right to time to declare this moment, to make my life work, or to let my love be known to you.
Now is the perfect time to close this entry and to put my heart out there into the universe.
I will close this with love and with hopes that finally, this reaches you and when it does, at last, I will have your love in return.
Completely (As in forever)
Starting now . . .
The Written Addiction 