If That Were True – Work

I am someone who needs to have a purpose. I need to have something to do.
I need to have a reason to wake up in the morning. I have to have someplace to go because this is what moves me.
This is what motivates me – each day, and yes, one day at a time.

I have been talking about the need to work so that my faith will not die. I cannot allow my faith to go without work or in other words, I need something to do. I need something to focus on. Otherwise, my faith becomes aimless.
I have to have something to focus on otherwise it is far too easy to lose myself to depressive thinking or anxious ideas.
Otherwise, I lose hope. I lose my sense of dignity and my source empowerment will become empty, at best.
And yes – I get too excited. I have been told that I move too quickly or that “my fork runs away with the spoon” and I get that.
No, I really do.
But I like this part of me. I like that I do not wait for life to happen and yes, I love the fact that I will move at any given moment – just say the word.

I have been thinking about this new mindset which I’ve been trying to earn for myself. I have been thinking about the different ideas of peace or what it means to have peace in my life. I want this. I want to know that peace exists, even when life around us is sad and anything else but peaceful, and when life is in crisis mode or chaotic at best, and when all else is sad or unfortunate, and unfavorable, it has always been my go-to response to replace thought with actions.

I need something in my life. I need to have something hopeful.
I need to have a purpose. I need to have a reason to stand up in the morning.
And I have plenty of this, but sometimes loss takes place.
And things change.
The future I planned for (and hoped for) is not an option for me.
So – what now?

I need something to focus on and yes, this has helped me in the past. This has allowed me to find the work to build strength in my heart and in my body.
This has also been a way for me to build strength within my faith because as I work to improve or as I work to achieve or to attain one of my goals, I can see the proof of my efforts.
I can see the muscles building and the once-atrophied parts of my soul – or in this case, I can see the older signs of weakness and fear which were all I would notice in the past – but things can be different.
Now that there is work to do and now that I have a definition and a plan; now that I have a reason and a purpose, I can improve my sights and see growth within myself.

I believe that everyone needs an outlet. However, life changes. Plans change. People change and so do our situations and outcomes. Feelings change too. This is a hard part to handle.
People move in different directions and more accurately (and also more importantly), heartbreak takes place all the time.
So, in the face of an uncertain abandonment, here we are, looking around at the world and asking ourselves, “What the hell just happened?” 

Here is a very common and frequently asked question.
What now?
As in “what do I do now that my life has changed?”
I think it is important to talk about this question –
And sometimes, it’s okay to answer this honestly and say the truth which is “I don’t know!”

More to the point, at the bottom of a personal fallout or at the bottom of our aftermaths, or when life goes in a poor direction, or if we find ourselves alone and if we find ourselves in the pit of distress when heartbreak hits and all we have, see or feel is broken – and when the life we hoped for and wished for is vanished or gone or not an option – once more, the question becomes simple: What now?

I am a person who needs something to work on. I had plans. I had specific hopes and dreams. I had wishes. I had fantasies. I have wants and needs, which are on hold for now. This is not to say that hopes and dreams cannot realign or revamp or recreate themselves. This not to say that all is final or written in stone. But yes, there are times when we encounter moments of painful realization and choices are made – either for us or by us.
However, in the bottom of an aftermath and in the moment of awareness that tells us, “yes . . . life just changed,” and when the options that you hoped for are no longer an option – the question comes down to this . . .
“What am I going to do now.”

I am not perfect by any means.
I am not the right fit for everyone.
And I understand this.
But I am a source too.
I am a person who cares and who is capable of loving.
I can help build dreams too.
I can make first moments and first-time things happen.
(Just so we can say that we did it.)
I understand my imperfections, but I am imperfectly perfect –

But what now?
Again, I think this is a valid and important question to talk about.

What now?
What happens to my treasure chest full of secret dreams?
What happens to my trick which I have been trying to perfect?
What happens now that my plans are not possible?
If disappointments are only momentary or temporary, what do I do in the meantime?
What can I do to get through this?
Cry?
Weep?
What?

I have experienced a new life in the last six months. I have experienced different ups and downs, excitements and disappointments. I can say that in a way, I have seen both the best of things and the worst of things.
But again, the question is this:
What now?

I have to restore and replenish what has been either drained or taken or to revive what’s been missing in my heart (or my life), I have to create work for myself – and to be honest, this is how I started writing in the first place.
This is how I changed my thoughts with actions.
I started writing and learning to cope with my life by using a stream-of-consciousness prose.

I need an outlet. I need a way.
I need a passage towards hope and something to fuel my fire.
I need this so that I do not fade or dwindle. While changes are constant and letdowns are frequent, I cannot bother myself with the questions of “What now” or “What should I do?”
No, I have to create work.
I have to give myself a real task. I have to build and grow and like a muscle, I have to repair what’s been torn. Not only do I need to recover, but I have to find whatever it takes to build myself back up again; to grow and to be stronger. 

I have lost something irretrievable. Yes, this is true.
But it is also true that I cannot lose what is truly mine. Therefore, what is mine is mine – and now, all I can do is work to regain my strength.
I have to work so that in my future and at all times possible, life will never slip through my fingers again – and so, I will not let go or overthink, overlook or waste another day by taking anything or anyone for granted ever again.

I suppose this journal is a path towards more than finding peace.
I’d say this is about a person’s recovery – this is about how to get up when you’ve fallen down.
This is about a soul’s right to restore peace for oneself and this is also about rebuilding our strategies.
And last this is about recreating our path so that we can find our true place in this world.

As I see it, everything that has brought us up to where we are now is happening for a reason. We might not be so happy (at the moment), but everything we see, hear and live through is what facilitates our future.

This can be the catalyst that leads us to be where we want to be.

The skin I want.
The skin I’m in.
The life I want.
The life I live.

This is my ultimate goal.
To get them both to be the same

But first, I have to work to do.