If the opposite of peace is chaos, then at some point, we have to come to an end. At some point, we can only fall so far until we hit the bottom. And we can’t fall forever.
We can’t live in constant crisis mode. Eventually, something has to give.
If everything washes out in the end or if it is true that pride comes before the fall, then at some point, whether it will be the cancel culture or the gossip mills and rumor factories, or whether our demise is our own doing, eventually, there will be nowhere left to fall.
I heard people say, “They can’t kill me forever.”
I’ve been stuck on long jobs of the dirtiest kind. And I mean the worst of jobs where bosses sat and enjoyed their comfortable safety while sitting behind their desk, their feet up, and all was easy for them.
Meanwhile, I was in the ditches or in pits or in the worst kinds of places, swinging wrenches or breaking through concrete and thinking that the day would never end.
I remember hearing someone tell me, “They can’t kill you in 8 hours.”
I remember this.
I remember what that meant to me, which was simple.
There are only so many hours in a day. This means they can’t kill me. This means that work is work and my ability is my ability – and whether I can produce more or not, no one can push me further than my ability, nor can they expect more than I can give, nor can the ask anything from me once my time is done.
In the cases where I have had to pay for something, or if I fell short and had to pay interest on something that I owe, which could be financial or emotional, in the end, I will be square with the house again.
It is simple –
Life, I mean.
The morning too.
I wake up every morning. I wash myself up and brush my teeth. I drink a little. I eat a little.
I exercise some and then I work some. I try to play some too but, to be clear, playtime can be limited when bills are due and work is busy.
I have found that people will lose themselves to a train of thought that limits or worries them about the worst possible outcome. I am this way too.
In fact, I am honest about this. More to the point, I see no reason why anyone should be dishonest about this.
But –
With that being mentioned and with all things being equal, I have lost to my fears. I have fallen prey to the catastrophes in my head which hadn’t even taken place yet – but still, there I was, worrying about a downfall that had yet to happen.
There is no peace this way, at least not for me.
There is no peace when we live in frantic paces, worrying about everything, pointing fingers, judging or trying to redeem ourselves all the time.
There are productive measures and counterproductive behaviors and between the two, I have lost myself to worries and bouts with projected assumptions and yes, the worst can and will happen and yes, even the worst can be worse than I imagine.
I have found this to be true.
I have also found that my worries can be a bit exaggerated and that life in my head is not life in real-time.
Even if the worst comes with a bottom. At some point, there has to be an opportunity.
At some point, there has to be a platform or a base where we can stand up again, so that we can start to rebuild and find our best way towards recovery.
I have found myself in regrettable places. I have also found myself at the butthole end of poor decisions.
I have had to pay for my mistakes. I have bled while paying the consequences for my actions – and even then, at some point, enough is enough. At some point, we paid what we owe which means we are even.
So, we have to rebuild. We can’t owe for the rest of our lives and more importantly, we can’t stay down forever.
Each morning, I wake up.
I stand up. I get out of my bed and out of my place, which I call home – I go to work. I might not like all of what comes with this, but I never regret this. I never regret going to the gym or working out. I never regret washing up or brushing my teeth. I do not regret showing my face or facing the day – even if the day has an unkindness just waiting around the corner, I still show up no matter what.
I have to.
No one can stop me from doing this.
Even in the face of despair or even in times of some kind of angry, sad or interpersonal battle, I have not, cannot and will not give up because I refuse to stop this momentum.
I have to keep moving. Otherwise, I sink.
But again, when it comes to moving, there are productive moves and counterproductive actions that can pull us apart –
So we move.
But we have to move smart.
We have to work smarter, not harder, at least I do.
Otherwise, I chase my tail and waste my energy.
And next, at the end of the day, I look around and see nothing but waste.
I don’t want to waste another second, let alone another day.
I am moving now.
I have fears. But I am honest and open about them.
I have changes to make and a few tricks to pull off.
But for now, I have the day ahead of me.
I have the moment to claim for my own.
I have to say it –
If my fears were all true and if it were all true that everything fails, the sky is always falling, life is doomed, and there is no purpose for me anymore, then there would be no reason to get out of bed in the morning.
But I do –
Get out of bed, I mean.
Peace or no peace.
Good or bad. Pass or fail.
Sure, I get tired
But then I’ll get some rest –
Then I’ll wake up.
And I’ll give it another shot the next day.
The Written Addiction 