Inspiration comes from different directions. And this journal, well, this was inspired by different people who come from different places. This was inspired by my limited experience with people who have shown me little pieces of their life.
And for this, I am grateful . . .
I do not think there is anything else in the world like teenage angst. Like I said, I remember people telling me, “You’re just a kid.”
I remember there being a “my side” and “their side” which led me to think with an against them mentality. Maybe it was me against the world.
First, I think it is important to explain that we don’t always have the words to describe how we feel. Even when we do, the fact of the matter is words are open to interpretation.
People listen or hear information from their own perspective and often, people interpret information with their own emotional experience and with their own projection; people come to their own conclusions and assumptions.
We all have biases. We all have our own way of seeing things.
I don’t think this can be explained away or understood. At the same time, I think that regardless of our age or where we come from, everyone goes through life in their own way.
It has been shown to me and proven in many cases that the sooner we accept our differences, the faster we can identify and appreciate our similarities.
Either way, we all have our version of life. We all have our own versions of “cool” or how life is or how it should be.
We all have wants and needs, as well as aspirations, dreams, hopes and inspirations.
We find motivations in different places- or it can also be said that motivation can be found anywhere, in different people, places and things.
I do agree that the learning curve from our younger years is far more important than we realize. This is where we begin. This is where we start to form our true self – or more to the point, this is where we begin as our authentic self.
Then we grow. We learn. We form new opinions and we find new fascinations.
We look around at the people in our circle of influence. We see how they dress or act or how they talk or behave.
We see different parts of people in our social or family circles that perhaps, maybe we wish we were more like them. Or not. And so, we add this to our personality or we make sure never to be like them.
We look and we compare and oftentimes, we fail to see our own brightness.
This is true.
You will never see your brightness the way someone else does.
You will never note your most amazing qualities they way someone else admires them.
We never see what others see when they look at us – so, we often fail to notice that yes, there are brilliant qualities about us.
We are all beautiful.
There are specific pieces of us which are beautiful beyond measure. But at the same time, we might not know this. We might not see this. Even if someone tells us and if someone out there is kind enough to tell us about our beautiful settings, the more interesting or tragic part about this is that we never seem to believe them.
I think this is perhaps one of the motivating factors behind this journal.
This is one of the reasons why I am here.
I was sitting with a group of people before one of my classroom presentations and were talking the way normal people talk. We laughed and we joked. At the same time, no one knew that my stomach was in knots.
No one in the classroom knew that I had to run to the restroom upon my arrival so that I could vomit for a while because my anxiety had me sick.
I was torn up. Anxious as ever.
Scared to death is more like it!
And no one believed me when I told them.
One of the students told me, “But you seem so comfortable.”
Not true.
I’m not comfortable.
See, I was that kid.
I have to have a conversation with myself before I “go on” so-to-speak.
I was the kid who stuttered when reading in class. I was that kid who needed extra help. I could never remember what I read which meant that I had trouble retaining information. Therefore, I had trouble adapting to the learning material. To me; this meant that I was either stupid or there was something wrong with me.
But that was me . . .
This is not about me. However, I offer this to create a relatable basis so that I can expose my old truths to allow for an understandable beginning.
So, let us begin. . .
I go through my own challenges when I arrive in the classroom.
I have my own anxiety.
I look around and see the different faces. I see different backgrounds and cultures. I think about the kids who I would have tried to sit next to, if it were me in their class. I try to see who the popular kids are or who the so-called outcasts would be.
And I wonder too. I wonder if what I think or if my old ideas about the social challenges are still valid. Do the different levels of popularity still exist?
I have learned from different students and from different people that yes, these things are still valid.
I wonder if the same needs apply; as in, the need to fit or to belong or to be wanted or to be included. Are these needs still as intense?
I have learned that while things may be different on the surface and that while technology has definitely changed, the heart is still the heart. The soul is still the soul and the spirit is always going to be the spirit.
I wonder if kids today experience the same worries of say, the time when I first stepped into my junior high school cafeteria and saw the different areas of people. I noticed the different crowds and social cliques.
I know that life has changed. I understand that the curriculum in schools have changed. Kids have changed and so have I. Like Socrates said that “change is law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”
So, rather than despite the changes, I think it might be best if we accept our changes and differences so that we can find a common ground – and be just a little bit better than we used to be,
See, the truth is this –
I don’t know what it’s like to be a kid today.
I don’t ever want to be that person who “claims” to “know” or “understand” everything because maybe I understand a few things; or maybe I get it more than most – or perhaps this is all subjective to me and I get nothing at all. But at the same time, I understand that there is life and there are hard times and tough challenges along the way. No one will escape this fact.
However, I see them.
These are the kids in the class.
They are the youth and the future of this world.
I see that they are about to embark on a brand-new journey.
All of them.
Each to their own.
They will experience heartache. They will encounter losses.
They will see, think and feel things for the first time.
They will go out into this world and like a fish leaving a stream that empties to the sea, they will inevitably face a bigger world than the cafeteria in their schools. There is a big world that exists beyond the playground or the locker rooms after gym class.
At the same time, there is a lot going in the hallways at school where, rest assured, there are more lessons that take place outside of the classroom than basic math, English, history or the science that we learn in our classrooms.
I remember being asked, “How come no one ever explained things like this to me?”
And I’m not sure if I’m explaining anything. I don’t know if I am on point or way off the mark or if my honesty exposes an unspoken chaos which we all go through in life. We all have our own version of experiences.
However, and at this point, far too many kids have fallen or slipped through the cracks and way too many people grew up or aged and never learned how truly incredible they really are.
There was a class that I remember:
I asked seniors the following question:
If you could go back to your younger self at any age and offer yourself a piece of advice, what age would you pick and what advice would you give?
The facial expressions are always interesting when I ask this question.
The reaction is interesting, regardless of the room or the age of the crowd.
Come to think of it, I asked the same question to a group in one of my county jail programs.
I remember there was a man – I will call him a man and I will call him a friend as well.
I will say that this young man saw hostile things and experienced real violence. I can say that his gang affiliation was valid and that whether he believed in change or not, I suppose he knew that he was not going to change, at least not yet.
I remember his answer.
The age he chose was 12.
The advice he chose to give himself (if it were possible) was “Listen to your Mother!”
There are certain things that are hard to “un-know” or unsee.
This man had that burden.
He explained his past –
None of those kids on the street really cared about him or had his best interest at heart. It was all a race to see who could be the craziest or wildest, or in many cases, who could be the most dangerous or the most violent.
Remember something: Nobody picks on the tough kid or the crazy kid. In a world of predators and prey, this man knew what it meant to be a victim or to see someone victimized. He knew what anger was on a first name basis.
So – he chose the crazy path. He chose to be the predator so he would never be the prey, which he was – in jail, because he was a volunteered prey to the legal system.
There is a competition in his life which I can relate to.
Who could be the coolest? Who could be the craziest?
Who could endure more pain or waste away more braincells?
Who could endure more, take more and risk more?
But in the end, the answer only became “who could lose more.”
Listen to your mother . . .
That would have been his advice.
I do not know where this man is today.
I know what I wish for. I know what I hope.
However, the likelihood of my hopes are poisoned by statistics that suggest that my hopes are far from likely.
But, I remember this man well.
And with a smile too.
However, this was him.
And this is not about him.
This is about all of us and the ability, if at all possible, to find an understandable and common ground.
At the same time, if it were me, I would probably go to the age of 11-years-old, or maybe even 10.
I would tell the young me – don’t believe them.
Don’t listen to them. I know the term “them” may be vague; however, at the same time, the term “them” included friends and family or anyone who imposed or intruded or introduced doubt and shame into my life.
I would offer the following advice to the little kid –
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are capable of amazing things.
Allow yourself to have fun and enjoy.
You are worthy and, by far, you are more worthy than the bullshit that goes on with the back and forth arguments and the bullying or backstabbing lies that come with social politics.
I would say don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you what beautiful means.
It’s okay to be YOU!
You are more beautiful than you know.
I would say that I need you to see this because doubt is a weed.
Doubt is a dream killer that can grow deep and will suffocate the roots of your true existence.
I would tell me –
Try new things.
It’s okay to laugh at yourself.
Don’t be afraid to suck at something new.
Don’t worry about falling down.
Everybody falls. No one walks into anything as an expert.
Don’t be so mad at your parents or at the teachers or at the adults who never seem to understand. They are not you.
They don’t see what you see, which means that are only frustrated because the same as you have a hard time explaining yourself to them, they have a hard time explaining themselves to you –
This means the two of you are at an impasse. It’s only a struggle of communication.
But do not stop. Do not give in.
Watch out for shame because if given the pathway, shame will prevent you from trying to be the person you always wanted to be.
I would say:
I know there is a big world out there. I know there are new things to see.
There are new intimidations that seem so big and insurmountable that, in your best estimation, there is no way that you can overcome them.
But you can
And you will (if you allow yourself to).
I told you what Socrates said about change being a law, right?
This is only part of my most favorite quote from him.
This entire quote is this:
“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”
― Socrates
If I could go back and tell the young version of myself anything helpful, I would tell him this:
Don’t stop. Don’t be so shy.
Please, don’t be afraid to let your true self shine.
Don’t be afraid to tell people what you like.
Better yet, don’t be afraid to like something different.
You do not have to follow the pack. Not now or ever.
Do not be afraid to stand alone or be an individual.
Anyone can follow the pack but it takes true character and strength to stand alone and be as you are.
When you find something that you like or when you see something you enjoy; or if you find something you are passionate about – run to it.
Do it.
Try it.
Give it everything you have.
Stay away from thinking about the outcomes. Pay attention to your efforts and work hard.
Stay that way and be consistent because, in time, you will have perfected your craft far beyond your wildest belief.
I’d like to tell the young me –
Do not allow yourself to be discouraged. Watch out for the way that you talk to yourself too – because your thoughts translate into belief which means if you feed the thoughts that say you’re not good (or good enough) then your beliefs will tell you that your thoughts are true.
Understand?
(I’m sure that you do.)
Don’t quit.
Not now and not ever.
Don’t stop because something doesn’t seem to come natural or easy. Stop comparing yourself to other people. Stop looking at what other people achieve and start noticing what you achieve.
This is more than you think.
Do not be so quick to judge yourself or give up on something because things are hard or your success with them does not come fast enough. The fact that you wake up every morning and go out into the world is your first success of the day.
Note this down and keep this close.
Stay away from the thoughts in your head which tell you to “give up” because you think you might not be “good enough.”
You are good enough for anyone or anything.
Trust me because thinking otherwise can and will become habitual.
I would say find your heart.
Find your spirit and be proud of this.
Do not give into shame. Your body is perfect.
No one else in the world has what you have.
No one else in the world can do what you do.
Stop comparing to see who is better or who is worse.
And stay away from the pecking order.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
Stop looking at other people and wishing you were more like them or that you looked like them or talked like them. Stop looking to emulate other people and start looking to be yourself.
Stop being afraid of loss.
Loss is not what you think it means.
You are going to lose things.
This will happen.
You will lose friends (and they will lose you as well).
You will lose items and time and people.
But no matter what and by any means possible; you cannot forfeit your soul because if you do, you will lose your mind – and that is your truest value.
You will also lose what you value most because losses become voluntary when you believe you’re going to lose them anyway.
Don’t give yourself away to anyone or to anything and when it comes to sharing yourself or your time with others, be mindful of warning signs – they come up for a reason.
Watch for the red flags.
This, above all, is the most important thing I can offer you (or to anyone) – your love is truly valuable. So is your heart. Share it with people who deserve you.
Never sell yourself short with this or think that you have to negotiate or discount yourself.
Never settle because this becomes a habit and in the end, your resentments turn inward because you will come to the realization that it was you who gave yourself away.
Do not volunteer to become the victim of this life.
That habit is equally deadly as it is sad.
Stand up straight, kid.
You have an amazing life to live
(if you want it).
And love . . .
Someday, I promise.
You are going to meet someone who will change the way you see the sunlight.
You will meet someone to grow with. Grow with them, not against them.
When they evolve, learn to evolve alongside them as a compliment.
Do not lie to them.
Do not allow your fears to become so great that you have to hide your face because you’re afraid they might see your true imperfections.
This person is going to open your eyes. Let them do this for you.
Never look away and never be afraid to let this happen.
Do not listen to anyone else when it comes to this.
Stop listening to the word’s advice.
This is about you. This is about your life.
No one else’s.
You are going to find someone who will mesh with you in such a way, and they will meet you as a matching pair. Honor this and cherish this or run the risk of losing this.
Trust me . . .
There will be a person who will be mutual and reciprocal, which means there is nothing about this or them that will be one-sided.
Act accordingly.
And yes, I tell you this with all of my heart and with all the love I have for you because these are the mistakes that I have made – and you . . .
Well, if I could go back and change anything, I would have you adapt to the above.
I would push you to realize your strengths, to advance beyond your limits, to strengthen your weaknesses, and to love with all you have and with all of your heart –
No one else really exists.
We want peace, just like Socrates says in that quote.
But we have to adapt.
We have to adjust and accept the changes that are beyond our control.
We might have to adjust.
And sometimes, we might have to fall down.
We might have to crash, just so we know what it means to get back up again (and start over).
Me might have to go back to the drawing board and start over.
Life is always going to move, and things will change. And if it’s true what Socrates said that no amount of pretending will alter this reality, then let’s you and I celebrate this reality. Let’s celebrate and say that no matter what happened or how hard we were hit or how many times we fell down – we never gave up.
We never forgot to work for our dreams.
Okay?
If there were such an alternate universe where I could go back and redo things then, of course, you know that I would.
Of course, I would.
But I can’t.
So instead, I’ll do this.
I’ll leave this here for the universe to read because if ever there’s an event or a moment when you think you’re alone or that no one understands (or cares), at least you know that I am here – which is not to say that I’ll understand. But I’ll try.
I’ll listen.
At least you’ll know that somewhere, there is someone who is hoping to hear from you, just to let you know that you are more amazing than anyone I have ever seen before.
Believe me.
It’s the truth.
You’re not just a kid . . .
You’re incredible!
Believe it.
The Written Addiction 