What Do You Know (You’re Just a Kid) Ch. 2

I suppose the following pages will be a series of conversations that will remain between us.
And that’s fine. My style is to create a written conversation between us.
My aim is to offer some insight and perhaps a few suggestions; but more, I suppose that my past has allowed me some experiences. So, I am offering this out there.
I know that everyone has an opinion and everyone is quick to give your their version of advice.

Is this advice?
No.
Besides, who the hell wants advice anyway?
No . . .
This is more like a plea. This is me reaching out to you and recording the things which took place in my life. Also, this is me wishing that I had more people like you (or us) when I needed someone most.

No one was ever around to explain things to me. At least no one was ever able to explain things to me in a way that I could understand them.
Then again, I’m not sure how good I was at listening.
Perhaps, I was too busy believing that, at best, I could only be misunderstood. At best, I swore that I was too different to be explained. Perhaps it was too difficult for me to explain myself so instead, I gave in and swore that hey, “this is just how life is.”
However, and due to my biased inaccuracies and thinking errors, I never realized that misery and fear and loneliness or the rest of my emotional challenges were only situational and often self-inflicted.

I admit it.
I was jaded.
I was misled because hey, “this is life,” right?

Wrong . . .

I suppose I wished that I had some kind of evidence or proof that there was something that could spark hope. I wanted something like this, as in, an honest or heartfelt dialogue that could take place between one person to another.
In fact, this journal was inspired by a suggestion.
It was suggested that I write something for the young person out there. This was a suggestion that I write this for the person who may not see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It was suggested that perhaps my simple or street-like breakdowns might help someone come to an understanding of their own.
I don’t know if this is true or not.
I think the world is filled with too many opinions as it is.
I also think the world is filled with a series of judges and jurors.
But this is not about them nor is this for them
(still, some of them will read this, just to find something about my thoughts or my prose or grammar - just so they can rip me apart or disagree . . .).

Like I said –
I don’t know much about those type of things.
However, what I do know is that I never had someone to talk to, at least not really.
I never had “you” before.
I never had a person who I was comfortable speaking with. I never had someone who I could both honestly and openly confide in and not be afraid that, somehow, this would lead to them leaving me or some kind of judgment in the end.
At the same time, I was too worried and too afraid to notice opportunities (like you) existed.
I was too busy trying to protect myself which meant that I was too caught up in my own bullshit to actively or openly share my world with someone else.
Maybe I started this game too late.
Maybe I opened up about my wants and needs and too much has happened.
This could be the case . . .
Maybe hope is lost.

Maybe the critics will bite off too many pieces of me and who knows what’ll happen next?
Maybe at some point, I’ll make the mistake and believe that what the critics say about me is true.
And even if the critics are right about me . . .
“Fuck’em!”
What have they done with their life?

I have news for you.
There is no real path or way. There is only the road ahead and all of its twists and turns, dead-ends, pitfalls and potholes are nothing else but the seasoning which makes up the flavor of your life.
I can say this –
There are helpful hints and helpful suggestions. There are people who can offer guidance. Some people are great to listen to and some are not. But know this – there will always be a lesson to be learned from either one – so, forget about right or wrong or good, better and best.
You are going to have to find your own way.
No one can do this for you.

Life is always going to be life and you are always going to be you.
Accept this.
No one is ever going to be able to live your life for you.
No one can process your understanding for you.
But here’s the news.
Get ready. You’re in for one hell of a ride.
There is help around.
Listen for it, rather than look because eyes can be deceiving.
Pay attention . . .
I can say that yes, age brings experience. But so does youth. And both are precious.
I can say that what time teaches is a teacher.
But often, teachers have a way of making you repeat your lessons – until you get it right.
(So, pay attention)
Time can show us that not everything is such a big deal.
Yesterday’s problems are not as important in a year.
And time can show us that things change.
Good things happen and bad times can pass or improve.

I wonder though –
Are these just words? Would they just be words to me?
Would I listen?
Maybe or maybe not.
I suppose this would depend if I was open to listening.

I can say that it is easy to offer help or to give a suggestion or recommendation.
At the same time, or when you’re in the thick of it, or when the storm is rough and the weather seems like there’s no end in sight – the truth of the matter is pain hurts.
And when you’re hurt – you’re hurt.
It’s uncomfortable to be uncomfortable.

I can say that I have often found (and experienced) that people will come along with their suggestions at a time when we are in pain or in crisis. They’ll come around with some unwanted, unwelcomed some kind of unsolicited advice.
There will be people who will come along at the worst time possible and for some reason – they believe that their advice is wanted or necessary.
Meanwhile, we think to ourselves “Who the hell asked you in the first place?”

By the way, do you want to know how you can tell when someone wants your opinion or advice?
They’ll ask you for it . . .
Otherwise, maybe people are venting and it would be great if someone could lend them an ear.

Listening –
It’s a skill that few people can master.
It would appear that listening to actually “hear” someone is a rarity.
It often seems like most people listen just to give advice.
Maybe this comes from a good place. But that does not mean their good place is always helpful.

I know there are times when people offer advice in a judgmental way and they’ll sound as if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Maybe they’ll tell you what to do or how to think -or there are times when advice could sound as if your thoughts and opinions are wrong. Or maybe your actions and choices are a mistake – which, in this case, I will offer you the option to the following idea: You have the right to pick and choose who you speak with or who you should listen to.
Just choose carefully.

I have news –
Not everyone understands. Not everyone advises from your perspective and their projections of their opinions and assumptions are inaccurate, at best, or just off the mark.
I will say this as well. There are going to be times when no one understands.
And I mean absolutely no one!
So, choose wisely.
Choose carefully when speaking about your heart or your plans with people.
First of all, not everyone has your best interest at heart. Secondly, but also more importantly, there are friendly people out there.
There are good people in this world. Great people too.
I promise you will meet the best of them.

There are people who will listen because they care.
Find them. Seek them.
Listen for them (instead of look) and love them with all of your heart.
Understand and know that these are the most valuable people on this earth.
Do not judge them. Do not take them for granted.
Do not misplace their priority.
Love them. Cherish them and when times allow, play with them, sing and dance with them, celebrate, party, have fun with them, and break bread with them.
Learn with them. Grow with them.
Share with them.
Check in with them too because these are your true family, extended or otherwise.

There are people in this world who will inspire you to save your own life.
And this will be genuine. There are people who will motivate you.
There are going to be people who will join you in your life. They are the ones who somehow, and I don’t know how this works or why this is and I’m not sure if this is how fate does its trick – but just know there are going to be a small, but selected few, and these will be your perfect people.

Notice them.
They will be the ones who know where you are, instinctually, and these are the people who will surface when you need them most. And please, with all of my heart – do not make the same mistakes as so many others. Do not make the mistake of judging the quality of your friendships by the quantity of your friendships.
Quality over quantity. . .
You are going to learn who is real and who is not. You are going to experience disappointments. At the same time, you might wonder how or why people have changed so drastically –
In an effort to answer this without an answer, I will offer the suggestion that people have always shown you who they are.
However, due to your association with time and events and as a result of different levels of awareness or growth, and as a result of your emotional state or the way you view yourself (or your worth), you are going to come to a level of realization about the people in your life.
This will open your eyes in such a way that you are going to say things like, “I can’t believe a friend would treat me this way!”
But dig it –
People are always people.
Everyone is going to show you who they are. Believe them when they do this.
Be mindful.
Also, this is not to say that good friends and good people are not capable of doing bad things or making bad mistakes.
I have done this. I have hurt friends and admittedly, with regret, I have made the mistake of betraying good people in my life.
This makes me human or real or both at the same time. This means I am capable of doing things that I would otherwise condemn.
Again, this makes me human but also, by submitting this to you, this allows me the chance to hold myself accountable – and more, this allows me the chance to improve. With hopes to improve or to repair the damages of past mistakes, I offer this as a humble note that as you grow, there will be fallouts and breakdowns and splits and arguments.
Do not allow this to change you.

No one told me these things when I was growing up.

I suppose I was told that this is life and at the same time, how the hell would I know?
How could I have known what life was going to be like.
I never lived before. Neither have you.
I never knew what heartbreak was until I encountered it. I never knew what foolishness was until I gave myself a chance to experience an intimate relationship and then it went painfully wrong.

Life is definitely a conundrum.
I don’t care how old we are. I don’t care how experienced anyone is either.
Life is going to throw you curve balls.
You are going to experience confusion.
You are going to receive your share of scars and bumps and bruises, or more, you are going to have moments when calling it “heartbreak” is putting it mildly.
This is going to happen.
I can say that in the depths of your letdowns, you are going to emerge as a person who was hurt – and as you grow and appeal your case and as you make your way through life, I am going to beg and implore you – please, do not ever change who you are.

Do not allow yourself to become jaded or hateful.
This does not make life a better place.
Do not give into your resentments so much or fall so deeply to them that you forget who you are – and become ugly.

I was ugly.
I was ugly and angry.
I was hateful and vengeful.
I was resentful and sad and isolated and alone.
I was all of this, alive and in-person and smack-dab in the middle of the crowd.
I was all of this and more.

It is true when people say that being alone is not as bad as being with someone who makes you feel alone. I agree with this.

It is also true that in my experience, the most freeing moments in my life took place when the rehearsal speeches were over.
Rather that fill the moment with some huge diatribe or some long harangue or verbal storm of retribution, I simply stood.
I stood up from the tables where I knew I didn’t belong anymore. I pushed my chair back, stood up, placed my chair back beneath the table.
Then I simply turned around – and I walked away.
That was freedom.

My previous journal discussed a thought that I’ve had since my young teenage life.
I talked about the skin I wanted and the skin I was in.
I talked about the life I wanted and the life that I had.
The two were not the same.

In part, I was the dilemma.
I failed to acknowledge the red flags and the warning signs. I wanted the fantasy and the prestige of status and the so-called “life” so badly. Only, I thought that I was faulty.
I was always in fear and more than anything, I was always blinded or misguided by my thinking.

It was only recently that I woke up –
And I say this with a hint of grateful sadness.

No one ever opened my eyes the way certain people have – like you.
I was afraid of this because I knew about the truth.
And the truth can be scary.
But it doesn’t have to be.

I suppose the reason why I cried after any of my major successes was because I lived in accordance with a series of insecure lies.
I believed in the worst about me.
I was only an imposter.
I submitted to this.
I assumed it.
I lived this way and believed that I was somehow wrong or that I was only an amateur and at some point, someone would blow my cover to expose me as a fraud.

I never thought that I had what it took to compete or to perform at a high or professional level.
Like take these journals for example –

Sure, I have critics.
I have been told that my writing is equal to a kid in middle school or maybe high school, at best.
I have been told that my writing is clunky.
I’ve been called disturbing.
I’ve been told than no one would want to read what I have to say.
I’ve been told that it’s fine to write – but it would be unrealistic of me to expect my writing to reach the next level.

I was told this by people who never dared, by the way.
I was told this by people who love to criticize.
I was told this by people who love to put others down.
In some cases, I was told this by people who read my entries on a daily basis just so they can poke holes in my story.
(What a great life they must have.)

No one knows who is going to “make it!”
And neither do I . . .
But I do know this:
I have the right to choose who I listen to
(and so do you).
I have the right to continue, to keep moving, to keep trying, and at all points possible, I have the right to remember the following – the day I allow someone to steal my smile is the same day that I have allowed someone to steal me.

By the way –
It’s okay to be stolen too.
This is what happens when you meet someone in this world.
This is the one who becomes “your person” and when you meet them, value them.
Love them with all that you have.
Give this all that you have because this is the person who will steal your heart away . . .

This will be the greatest, most amazing, beautiful and wildest theft of all because when this happens, and when this is right, you are going to be the one who steals their heart as well – and from then on, what an amazing pair you two will be.

Believe it!