No one ever told me that it’s possible to think your way out of trying to be your best. Then again, I suppose a piece of me already knew this.
The mind can either be a trap with hooks and snares or if we allow ourselves, we can think our way into being our own best friend.
I see this and, quite simply, I offer this as a training that needs to start when we are young. I say this because my habitual youth was always too caught up in the ideas of shame by comparison of pass or fail.
Although it is safe to say that we can change our minds and start over at any given moment, and if we can safely say that youth is a mindset and age is only a number; it is also important to realize that success is accumulative, which means “start now!” and accumulate as much as you can. Or, wait another day or two and look back with regret because you never gave yourself a shot.
We start to build. We grow and the longer we work at something, the more we improve.
This is how our skills begin to grow.
This is how we can learn to perfect our work and improve our performance.
But above all, this is where our accumulation begins.
This is how we learn that as we go and move or advance, and as we acquire another day and put more experience beneath our belt, this means that yes, we went at it once more.
We showed up and took our shots, good or bad, highlight reels or not, or whether we hit the target or missed the mark, this means that we were committed to our tasks for one more day.
Some people go their entire life and fail to do this consecutively.
No one ever starts out as an expert.
The only reason why someone stands out or why their talents exceed others who surround them is because whether their motivation was there or not, or whether they felt good or sick, or even if they were in pain or brokenhearted, or put simply, even when they didn’t want to try, they still did.
This is why the person who excels is the person who never stops.
So, don’t quit.
This is another item that nobody mentioned to me.
Nobody told me that we need to be mindful of our focus. We cannot lose to our own thinking by comparing our game to someone else’s.
Show up. Don’t look left or right.
We need to take notice of our own gains and improvements. We need to mark this down, somehow, and with each of our advances, regardless of their size, and each time we move forward or each day that we wake up and take another step; even if the step is small, we have to remember the fact that we woke up that morning and we stood on our own two feet.
We have to note this down.
We have to keep going.
We have to allow for the accumulation to begin because as we gain momentum and move along, I promise you this – a time will come when we turn around and see the distance that makes up the success between then and now.
Acknowledge this!
I have never been much of a scholar. I was never properly educated. Or perhaps it would be safer to say that I was not traditionally educated. I never had the chance to walk down the aisle and receive a diploma.
No, my diploma came in the mail.
I never did much in school and hell, if I’m being honest, I never even went to class.
I was intimidated. I was uncomfortable with the strains and uneasiness of the fact that I couldn’t understand the learning material.
I suppose that I was always looking for the easy way out. I didn’t think I had it “in me” to measure up or “be smart.”
I was looking for the quick fix and the fast-track because I lacked the belief that I could have passed or succeeded.
I wanted the world and I wanted this fast; as in instantly or as in without hesitation or without any struggle or weight on my arms.
“Just give it to me,” because otherwise, I’d never get anything.
I wanted glory but at the same time, no one ever told me, or better yet, no one ever broke this down for me in the simplest of terms.
Nothing of any worth or true value will come easy.
Life is supposed to be hard. You are supposed to strain.
However, the stronger you become, the less you’ll mind how much you’ll have to strain.
Remember something:
Your dedication cannot grow stronger without resistance.
We need this. We need the struggle.
We need the burn.
We need the aches and the pains, and the bumps and bruises.
This is what gives us a sense of value and, essentially, this is what makes our talent so precious and personal – because we worked for it.
It’s good to want more. It’s good to give your mind a higher focus.
It’s good to want to improve or to want to be better for yourself, and it’s good to push yourself to the limit, to see how much you can take and how much you can do.
I used to give in to my intimidations.
I used to quit.
And quitting is a habit.
I used to give up because I believed that nothing was possible and, at best, I would only be able to come so close, but I would never reach the edge. I would never know the feeling of how amazing it is to cross the finish line. I certainly never expected to be victorious or celebrated.
Then again, this is life when we find ourselves caught in the comparison of others and their skills.
This is what happens when we invest in other people’s put-downs and insults.
I have recently been working on physical fitness.
But, it is important for me to explain that I have social anxiety . . .
I never liked working out in gyms or exercising around other people.
I was always too critical of myself.
I was insecure. I was worried that perhaps I was doing something wrong or that I looked stupid or that someone was watching me or judging me – and yes, the deception of my perception was a key factor in the decision to never try.
The bias in my assumptions and my relationship with my historical past and past humiliations or judgments that are old and outdated; and due to my connections with bullied moments from my weakling days of my youth, and since I would hold all of these things so tightly because I refused to let them go out of fear that I might forget what took place and hence, the past would repeat itself – I was so critical of me and my performance that I would quit before I began.
I would never try . . .
Why bother?
I expose this now and as I write this to you, I can feel the hairs on my arms as they stand on end. I can feel the rush or irrational fears as they pulse through my system because these are the secrets that no one dares to expose. However, I expose this with a purpose.
I am afraid to be weak.
I am afraid to be unwanted.
But rather than submit – I expose this.
No, better yet, I expose this because I need to.
Otherwise, the whispers in my thoughts are too loud.
They are so loud, in fact, that I can’t hear anything else but my insecurities and the more I expose my weaker thoughts, the stronger I become.
This is my personal strain.
However, I have to fight back.
I have to keep going. I have to allow for the internal disgust to boil over because then my vengeance takes over.
My disgust for my weakness and shame pushes me and my fear and hatred for submission pushes me even harder. They come from behind, as if to be my own best friend or my superhero from within.
I can feel the energy as it pushes through my fingertips right now and as I type this to you, I can hear the keys banging, viciously, because this is the hero in me.
This is my protector stepping in.
This is me coming to the rescue of that kid inside of me. This is that kid who was laughed at, or that kid who was told that he would never be ANYTHING but a joke, a failure, or dead or some kind of special-needs case, or some kind of charity promotion because for whatever reason, this kid believed in the lies and the put downs that were told to him. We believed this as if it were law.
But I grow and so does my rage.
I improve and advance and as I type this to you, this is my way of redeeming that little boy, bullied and all.
This is me telling myself, “Not today, Satan.”
Quitting is a decision. This is an action however, the ripple effect and the aftermath are long-lasting with an ongoing half-life that never ends, to which, if we are careless or if we allow this to happen, we can find ourselves consumed by the concepts of own sad failures and the times when we never dared.
I have news.
People will let you down.
Not everyone who smiles is a friend.
Not every friend is a friend either.
You are going to trip and fall.
You are going to learn through pain and hardship.
You are going to experience heartaches.
Be prepared.
You will struggle and strain and you will sweat and burn, and you will bleed too.
Make no mistake.
You will wake up. You will get up, stand up and then you’re going to go at it again.
You are not “just a kid.”
You’re a fucking superhero.
Remember that!
I’m sorry that no one told you this before.
I’m sorry that the pains hurt.
I’m sorry that no one pulled you to the side and told you to recenter yourself.
Just breathe, kid.
It hurts. I get it.
And nothing anyone will say or do is going to remove the pain.
But – the pain can’t hurt forever.
The more you push and the more you achieve means the more you will accumulate and compile your success. This is what builds the ladder that helps your reach your dreams.
So keep going. Gain and build because the more you accumulate and the more you grow, the sooner it will come that you look back to see how far you’ve come.
You’ll see the people who you passed along the way –
You know the ones, right?
I mean the people who said you’d never make it.
I mean the people who heard about your dreams to be the best and then they laughed at you or said, “Yeah. Good luck” or they told you, “Let me know how you make out with that,” while looking at you with their sarcastic or condescending smile.
I used to stutter when I’d read.
I was told that I was emotionally disturbed.
I was kicked around and bullied.
I was embarrassed and humiliated.
I know what it was like to be on the front page of the so-called gossip columns in school and sure, I know what it’s like to be laughed at or called stupid.
I know what it’s like to be the joke or the one who NOBODY believed in.
(Including me.)
You are not just a kid. And as far as the question goes, “what do you know?”
The answer to this is within you.
However, and with all sincerity; if you cannot find what it takes or the guts or balls to stand up after you’ve fallen, and if you fail to give yourself the respect you deserve, then be advised that life like this becomes habitual.
Do not let this happen.
Fight back against this with all that you have, even if it hurts, and let the resistance build your strength.
Know that your submission and your willingness to forfeit your rights can become ongoing.
And it hurts! Trust me.
So does losing your gains. This hurts too.
So does the understanding of your low self-worth.
This kills the heart and breaks the spirit.
Do not stop.
Do not quit.
Take what comes and get back up.
This is how you accumulate your successes enough to realize that when you look back at all you’ve done, you can note down every time you had a reason to quit yet you never did.
Quitting kills our drive as well as the need to achieve goals or acknowledge the achievements you’ve accumulated along the way.
I see myself now in my downward cycle of life.
I’m older, of course.
And yes, I want to be young again.
However, I understand my time is limited.
I know that my moments are not as plentiful as they were in my youth which is why I am here now – to make this count.
I will never discount you or tell you about what you know (or don’t know).
If anything, my reason for being here is to tell you this.
Be you . . .
It might not sound like much to you
but to me, this means everything because . . .
YOU are inspirational to me.
The Written Addiction 