The Book of Chaos: Don’t Feed the Beast

Ah the self-inflicted drama
or the self-induced problems,
which you’ve sworn off a hundred times, and still,
you find yourself encountering the same things
for the same reasons and, of course,
someone always comes along
to remind you about the definition
of insanity which is doing the same thing
but expecting different results.

Or something like that . . .

Don’t feed the beast
Don’t make a trade
and don’t take anything
from him because the interest
sneaks up on you
and out of nowhere,
you find yourself stuck
or on the dangle
and trying to pay back a debt
that came from a loan
that never left you satisfied
to begin with.

And let’s face it . . .
you know you want more for yourself
because you always have
and you know you want to feel better;
you want to live a better life,
or on a basic, or on an everyday level
you want to be happy — at least
a little bit
or for a little while.
No?

So, you ante up.
You take the gamble or you place your bet
or take the dare, and while you know the same trick
never seemed to work before,
you think to yourself and hope,
“maybe I’ll get lucky,”
this time . . .

Chaos
Mayhem
Crisis
and all the above bullshit,
or all the nonsense,
or all the drama-like theatrics
to which you swear that you’ll stop,
or you swear this off, like some kink
or insincere fetish
which solves the problem
from a temporary perspective;
as if to be healed or redeemed
for a moment, and somehow,
you find yourself, right back where you were,
or back in the driver’s seat,
and driving down the path to hell,
You know that “it’s you,” in the driver’s seat
and even though you want to stop or turn left,
or turn right or do whatever you can
just to get off the road by any means possible;
but somehow, it’s too late,
and all of your unfortunate predictions
are about to come true.

But more . . .

You find out that it’s you
and that you’re driving yourself crazy,
repeatedly, as in over and over
and almost infinitely,
you start to wonder things, like hey,
is it hot in here . . .
or am I just crazy?

(It’s you . . . burning up,
but not realizing how you’ve heated up
the situation, on your own
like an enemy from within.)

Crazy?
Maybe.
Me?

Maybe I’m crazy because, like most people,
I know the difference between right and wrong,
and I understand the benefits of better-judgment.
But sometimes,
I swear that whether I know better
or not
I find myself in the front row, with popcorn and all,
and sitting in the midst of my own crazy, little chaos.
I watch as life goes down the drain,
flushed down the tubes
and it was me
or it was my own hand that pulled the chain.

Do you see?

And it’s not like I can’t see it coming.
As a matter of fact,
it’s like falling
and being aware of the fall
at the same time,
and as you fall,
there’s nothing you can do about it
until you hit the ground, that is,
which is when the impact takes place
and now you can feel the pain —
surging.

My point of this entry
and the entries
which were written before
as well as the ones that will follow after
is to articulate
and detail the self-harms
which come from an internal source,
or, maybe I can simplify this a bit more
and say
this entire journal is about
how we paint ourselves in corners
or repeat the same things,
and hope for different results,
which again, and with regards to the definition
of insanity — I ask myself, am I insane?

Well, I might be.
Then again, if we’re all being honest,
then the truth is
I’m not more or less insane than anyone else
in this crazy world.

I am honest about my own mishaps
or misfortunes, and more
I am honest in my attempts to expose the times
when I got in my own way,
or when I shot myself in the foot, 
figuratively speaking, of course,
or when I cut my nose off
to spite my face.

I am honest about my interactions
with my old friend,
Mr. Chaos.

Self-induced dramas and self-propelled failures
or self-destructive thoughts
or ideas,
which led me to my biggest downfalls
are the symptoms of the beast
within.

“So, don’t feed him!”

And no . . .
It’s not that I’m crazy,
it’s more of the fact
that sometimes,
nothing comes naturally to me,
which causes me to go back to an old routine
not because this makes it better,
but hey, at least my old ways make sense to me.
Whether my old ways are good or bad or indifferent,
if I am to accept my own chaos,
and make an improvement,
then I have to change my chaotic tactics,
and to start,
I have to begin by following the advice,
which is, don’t feed the beast.’
Or . . .
“Stop entertaining the monsters in your head. “

This is what feeds them though,
my own craziness
and essentially,
this is what makes them bigger
and leaves me 
self-destructive.

So . . .
Tip One:
Don’t feed the beast.
Tip Two:
Stay out of your own head!

That mental masturbation thing that takes place
when we overthink or think too much and act too little –
Stay away from that.
Keep away from jealous thinking,
it can only spiral out of control.
The voices from this side of the brain
are NOT your friend,
so don’t listen.

And remember:
The beast is just trying to pull off a trick
in your head,
and if you get the chance
to take a shot or to pull off your trick
before the beast pulls off theirs,
remember, all you have to gain is your freedom,
and all you have to lose is your mind.

So trust me.
Look around at the world that lives outside your door.
Tell me what you see?

Is this the world you want?
Is this the life you want?
Well?
If not, then I suggest some changes are in order
but, the first order of business
has to be this –
If I change my thinking, then I can change my behavior,
and if I can change both,
then I can be one step closer to that thing
to which I like to call, Redemption.

Redemption; as in to be redeemed
or to be set straight
or to recover or to disconnect and be unhinged
or happily uninvolved
with the dangers inside the thought machine,
or in this case, the best outcome
is to become aware
as if to be set free,
and ongoing.