Maybe the focus shouldn’t be
on Chaos anymore.
Maybe the focus
should be on something else,
or something new
like the first light of morning,
or when the sky starts to change,
and dawn begins to break;
the birds are chirping
and the world is sleepy
and quiet.
I love these moments
because the day is still young and innocent
or, perhaps maybe less-guilty,
depending upon the thoughts we hold
from the days before.
Like, this morning for example.
It is the month of May
and the winds are beginning to warm.
Yesterday was beautiful
and somewhat bitter sweet,
for reasons that can remain within
(for now).
So far,
the sun took its warmest affect for the season.
The sky was blue and the leaves on the trees
are green again.
It is a new time and new things
are about to happen.
I can, of course, overthink this,
which again, and of course,
this is where my old friend, Mr. Chaos resides,
and quite comfortably too.
I can stay with this
and overthink.
Or, I can allow myself
the right to enjoy the moment
or to enjoy the warmth
or the feel of the sun on my face.
I can allow myself to enjoy the winds
and the earlier sunrise and, if at all possible,
I can allow myself the ability to hope
or to feel or to enjoy,
which is not to say that life is not going to happen
and this is not to say
that life is always going to play a fair game,
because life is neither fair or unfair;
however, our adaptation
to the events of the world around us
and our adjustments
or the way that we pivot with the times
(or choose to take more damage)
can either save us from despair,
or
we can choose to wallow in it,
or drown in our own emotional quicksand
and live this way,
for life or longer.
Perhaps I should think more about the next journal.
Yes, I think now is a good time for that.
Maybe I should write a series of entries
and entitle them The Book of Hope.
Rather than live life in the rearview,
I can choose a more redeeming path
and spend my time on more hopeful ideas
or the enjoyable ones, like say,
watching a kite lift into the sky
on an empty beach,
which is always something I’ve wanted to do
with the love of my life; whereas, yes,
I know there are things
that need to change and improve
and yes, I understand that we all have to contend with;
but into each life a little beauty will arise
and even as a little rain must fall,
I know that it cannot rain forever.
I know that resentments cannot live forever
(unless we feed them) and hence,
misery can either thrive
if we should choose to allow this
or misery can suffocate or starve
and should we choose this path,
then we can find the growth
which comes from the rain,
and the soils from our history,
which has both watered and nurtured the seed,
to which the flowers of our hope
and the source of our redemption
can grow insurmountably higher
than the depth of our lowest state.
There is no law that says we “have” to be unhappy,
nor does it state anywhere
that we have to be miserable.
We can try too.
You do understand this,
right?
I cannot fix the past or recreate it,
nor can I relitigate what took place
or change the irremovable fixtures
around us,
nor can I reshape what has been either shaped
or misshaped, and now, to go forward,
I can look to the benefits of tomorrow,
which is the only healing power I can find
especially if today or yesterday has been sprinkled with pain;
I can allow myself the right
to step forward
and to let go of the painful remnants
of a life that is behind me
and equally out of my control.
We don’t have to live in the past anymore –
but we can be happy now
if we choose to.
I cannot control the wind or the weather.
I can’t control the rain or the sun,
or the clouds which pass by.
However, I can allow myself to redefine my hopes
and to redefine my dreams
and to reshape them,
so that if and when the sun chooses to shine
and if and when the sun is strong and bright
and free to warm my skin;
if I choose to improve,
and should I choose to cut ties with my old friend, Mr. Chaos,
I can allow myself
the right to feel warmth from a new perspective.
I can allow myself the right to carry on
and recognize the past is gone
and I can look upon the face of my yesterday
with a constructive conclusion,
which means I can learn.
I do not have to dwell upon
what went wrong or rethink what could
have or should have happened.
Instead, I can focus on what I want to happen,
and work towards this
as if my life depended on it
which, it does,
at least kind of.
I go back to a downfall of mine, which I remember,
and I wished that I could have
or should have done something different.
But I didn’t.
It was told to me quite plainly
and somewhat, quite coldly,
but purely and honestly, without any disguise,
“Whatever could have happened did happen!”
There is no changing what took place.
There are only the adjustments
which need to be made
so that we can adapt, and our dreams
can live on.
We can seek hope and realize
that the seeds of our dreams
will be nurtured and fruitful,
if we nurture them,
that is.
No one said life is over
because our dreams did not happen (yet)
and don’t worry.
They will happen,
at least that’s what I hope.
Hope . . .
As in “The Book of”
I think this is where my journal ends
And my next journal begins . . .
Tomorrow.
The Written Addiction 