I have seen the sun come through the clouds
when the sky is otherwise rainy
and yes, I have seen light shine
where otherwise
there would be no other way
to see light or to witness the shine.
And yes, I have been to bad places
or seen darker times and even still, somehow,
I have found that there is this unstoppable thing,
or this unwavering force,
and unrelenting to,
to which this keeps me alive
and moving and hoping and thinking
that somehow,
I just have to get through today.
I admit that hope is not always an easy thing.
But sometimes, hope is the only thing.
Sometimes, all I have is hope
and if it were not for hope, there are times
when I would have nothing else—except for hope
if at all.
There are times when I found myself
alone or wanting and weeping
and there are times when I hit my knees—and I mean,
I literally hit my knees
or fell to the floor
because I had nothing left
and no more strength to stand
or get back up.
I have found myself at moments
when there was nothing left to do
but come to my own supplication
or to find my own moment
before some kind of power beyond me
or greater than myself; and yes,
there are times when I have wondered
why I was forsaken or lost
or hurt, or alone.
Despite the challenge
or the travesty we face
or despite the hole in my chest,
which would otherwise
be the location of my heart and soul;
and despite the desperation
or the cold and lonesome nature of a life without love
or despite the emptiness of life without the one I love
somehow, and somewhere,
there has always been a vision inside of me.
There has always been a dream.
There has always been a picture in my head
and a scene in my heart to where,
this is what I want
and this is what I want to see for myself and yes, all of this,
this is what I want for my life
(with you).
I want to find myself in that great space,
which is unmatchable by anything else.
And I want to be pure,
at least here, and I want to be solved
and healed and redeemed and recovered and more,
I want to build this place, brick by brick,
and I want to experience love here and hope too
and find myself in the whereabouts of my dream,
which I have had for life (or longer)
and I want to stand at the doorstep of my future
and cast away the remnants of my past
and be rid of my old or unthinkable regrets.
I want to be relieved from my burdens of doubt
or shame.
I want the life. I want the dream.
I want to experience touch, as if to be pure,
like the hand of Heaven’s Angels,
or as if to be justified before the sky
and the High Holy remedies to which,
I have not only been redeemed but absolved
and as such, I want to let go of my old or unwanted details
and allow them to be my past
because my future is not only big and bright, but more,
my future is now.
I want to know that all that we’ve done
and all that we’ve dreamed and all that we’ve said
or thought and all that we’ve wanted to do, see,
feel or touch, and every thought we wished to experience
is alive and well and in person,
right before our eyes.
I know that it is early morning now,
which is when I always reach out to you.
I know that the world is still sleeping
and that there are still too many doubts to overcome
and there are far too many obstacles to consider— but,
I had the chance to drive
over the bridge this morning.
I looked upon the tall glass buildings
and the skyscrapers with an old sense of appeal.
And this is always how I have seen her, my City,
which is the same as how I have always seen you
(my love) with the greatness of a bold sunshine behind me,
coming up like a yolk of life
and rising in my rearview mirror as I drive over the 59th Street,
as if to pierce the palm of the horizon
to bless the day with a whole new light.
I have loved you for longer than I have known you
and yet, I have known you forever
and longer than my whole life
because to me, I am only half until I am with you
and when I am with you, God,
I swear, nothing can compare
to the feeling I have in my heart.
Nothing compares to the way you smile
or laugh. Nothing compares to the way the world looks,
simply because YOU are in the room,
and when you are, my heart is happy
and my hope is full because, at last,
I am pleased enough to be satisfied
yet, I want more, as in
for always and ever more.
I know that darkness can never truly exist
as long as there is the glimpse of light.
Sometimes that glimpse is tiny
or only fleeting, and sometimes,
it’s hard to look for a glimmer of hope
because disappointment shades our vision.
However, light is still light
and this is still The Book of Hope; and as long as I have hope
and so long as I have love in my heart,
and so long as I feel the lust on my tongue
and in my body—I know that nothing can keep me from my dream.
I know that nothing can keep me from you
(or you from me)
because I know that as long as I have hope,
I have the dream, and as long as my dream is alive,
I will always have enough inside of me
to whet the appetite for my future,
which is you, and to which
I own this, greatly, and certainly.
Yes, I have been down the valley of darkness.
I have found myself in places where the shadows
were too thick
to notice anything bright or breathtaking.
But no matter what, and regardless of the crossroads,
or the troubles and challenges,
nothing and no one
can stop me from loving you the way I do—
and this is true because not even you
can keep me from loving you
because my love is more than just about me or you.
This is about my belief in fate
and hope.
My love is about my will to live and yes,
my love is about my dream
which I hope to share them (with you, of course,)
and more than this,
I want to connect the cosmic dots,
which are like the stars, which align our paths
and cause a shine and twinkle above us and yes,
I believe that despite our best interests
and our worst decisions, or in whichever way
the saying goes
somehow, the universe has placed us
on this path for a reason.
(Together)
And no, I won’t say this has been easy.
I won’t say there hasn’t been pain.
I won’t say that there aren’t times
when doubt says too much.
But I will say that as dark as it has been,
nothing in the world can brighten my sky
like you do –
Nothing in the world can shine this way –
not the stars above,
nor the moon
or the other heavenly bodies;
not even the sun can brighten my life
like this because . . .
Nothing can shine in the dark
like you do.
And that’s good, I say.
It keeps me alive enough to realize that no,
“We ain’t dead yet,”
which means that today is another day
to bring us one step closer to the dream.
I wonder though . . .
I wonder what 100 Lincoln Road looks like
this morning.
You know?
The Written Addiction 