I know that the world is a good place.
And I know that life could be better.
I know that not all things work out
the way we’d like them to.
But . . .
I also know that deep down, somehow,
there has to be a reason
and some kind of passion
or purpose for all that’s gone on.
There has to be desire and the drive “for more,”
and there has to be a calling,
as if to be something
or maybe there’s someone out there,
as if to say,
someone is calling out without a voice
and saying “Hey you . . . it’s me,
and I’ve been waiting for you,
for all of my life and longer.”
Just to be clear –
I do believe in this.
I do believe
that there has to be something that overcomes
and overpowers the darker thoughts,
because otherwise,
why would I be here, waiting?
I believe because I choose to
and partly, I believe because I have to.
Otherwise, what else is there to believe in?
I want the riddle to be solved
and the conclusion to be clear;
and more, I do not want to leave anything
unsaid or up to judgment.
I want to be crystal clear
from now until forever.
This is me, undressed and undecorated.
This is the real me without the accent
or without the need to protect my hidden truths.
I say this because I don’t want to hide anymore,
not anything,
not a secret fear
or a secret wish.
No.
I want you to see it all
and to know everything
because I have to undress myself
this way, here in the eyes of the truth
because I admit my selfishness
and I admit to my wrongs and to my faults
and flaws.
I admit to my imperfections
and with all that I have,
I hold myself up to my imperfect mirror
to reflect my truths.
Whether my truths are attractive to you
or if somehow, I am either unwantable
or undesirable,
or even if you find parts of me repulsive,
then my hope is the beauty
of my internal exposure
will do me the honor
of some beautiful humility,
because as humble as this is
or as humble as my intentions are,
it is a brave step that I take
to expose myself
or to show that I am small in so many regards
and often, I grow smaller
but not when I am with you
or in love.
I believe in this,
strongly, and as greatly
or as modestly as I can stake my claim,
my offer to you might not be as beautiful
as say,
someone with perfect or better features.
However, as imperfect as I am,
I know that no one can love and hope
or want, or need, or desire you
like me.
I know this, which is why
I have to have hope.
I have to have a dream or a desire
or something to work towards and yes,
in my heart of all hearts, I choose to believe
that none of this was accidental
or simply random, like a meeting out of nowhere
and that somehow, the Universe or “The Powers That Be,”
are always drawing us nearer.
Perhaps they are separating us
from something or someone else,
just so that we can wake up one day
and see clearly that yes,
“this is who I am,”
and “this is what I want,”
and “this is exactly who I am supposed to be.”
This is my “why”
This is my reason and this is my “where,”
and my “with whom,”
and in the sections of our mind,
regardless of all the doubts or the past occasions,
which somehow linger in memory
and leave behind
an unhelpful layer of contempt on our tongue—still,
I know that there is something out there for me
(for us)
and I know that all the forces
which have placed me where I am
are neither random nor accidental.
No—
I am choosing to believe in this –
that fate is intentional.
I am choosing to believe in me
and in you as well,
despite the challenges or despite
the falls we’ve taken, or the setbacks we’ve seen
and whether these items
are major or minor or simply incremental;
I fully and wholeheartedly believe
that fate has something in store for me.
(with you)
I believe that love has something in store for us.
I believe that life has more for me.
I believe in this.
Not just because I have to.
No, I believe because I choose to.
Who does this harm, anyway?
Who does it hurt to believe in good?
Who does it kill to believe in love?
Or, if possible and even in the unlikely cases,
who does it bother to believe in hope?
I have hope.
I still believe . . .
and I believe that regardless of the way things are,
or the way things are now
somewhere out there is an answer
to the riddle of life and of love and hence
the story is only beginning
and us, we are only starting to unfold.
(Okay?)
Do you hear me, world?
I know that tomorrow has no guarantees.
I know that life can change in an instant
and that luck is a relative thing—depending upon
our point of view,
or depending upon its context,
but in the scope of it all,
and with regards to the greater
or bigger picture, I think of the life I have
and the life I want.
I think about the fact that despite what I have seen
and heard and felt or endured, somehow,
there’s love still left in my heart,
and this is more than plenty.
There is still hope and there is desire,
and purpose, and reason, and yes, above all things;
I have a belief system which supports my dream
because someday, I swear it—I might not have the big house,
or the fancy car or the yacht,
or take the trips of my dreams—but before my last breath;
and I swear this to you here and now,
from my words and up to the stars above,
I will have my day in the sun
and I will have my moment to watch the sunset,
and to see the horizon change,
or to feel the sun on my face
and enjoy this before the day ends
with its final gasp of sunlight –
and then,
twilight begins.
You can take more than you think.
You can endure the world and take the pain.
You can hurt and you can struggle
and there will be times
when you can hardly stand—believe me,
I know it!
But the same as there will always be doubt,
there will always be hope
and there will always be the glass,
half-full, or half-empty.
The choice is ours now.
It is my time now, before the sunrise,
before the day begins, and before life takes over
and the hours pick up speed.
I am alone in a sense yet—I have never been alone.
Not once. Not ever, because for as long as I can remember,
I have always had this dream, which is of you,
faceless at times—until we meet
but yes, I agree . . .
now it’s my turn to enjoy the face of my future
and now is the time
for me to release my yesterdays
and now is the time for me to welcome the thrill of tomorrow
because now is the time
for me to live for today.
I cannot forget my past,
nor can I forget to remember my future,
and in the same breath—I cannot forget to live in the moment,
which is now, because now is the only moment
that is truly pivotal
and now is the only time
I have to set the record straight,
to try again,
or to make things right.
I am helpless sometimes and powerless most times,
but not now.
Now, I can choose to find my center,
or to choose peace over the fights
which, incidentally;
these are the same fights
I have fought for all my life.
I think it’s time to end that scene
or close that book
(finally)
and move on to the next.
Now is the right time to take on the world,
alone or not, because I swear
this from my heart and up to the sky—one day,
I will have my moment where I drive south
with the top down in some red convertible,
and the passenger seat, well?
This is where you would navigate
and tell me left or right or to just go straight because,
and yes, I mean this with all of my heart;
one day,
I will have my road trip through the desert and yes,
I will have my trip up from Carlsbad
and up to Toas, New Mexico,
or maybe even Santa Fe.
Or maybe there will be a long winding road,
around the coast of someplace
I have only seen in my dreams—but regardless
of where this is,
I know that there is something out there.
I know there is hope and I believe in this,
my greatest escape and my deepest dream
because with all that I have
and with all that I hope
and with all that I can muster,
and with all of my heart,
someday, I will have my Queen—that is, of course,
if you’ll still have me
. . . .as your King.
The Written Addiction 