I watched a movie last night,
which is not a new movie to me
nor is the movie new at all
and to be clear,
the name or the topic of this movie
is not important
at least not more important
than the message behind my posting
nor is the acting or the actors themselves
as important as the message
that I took from this final scene.
This was the part where a group of men
who risked their lives
while fighting for our country
and making their way across enemy territory
gave everything
just so that one man could go home.
The toss-up here
was the value of one man’s life
over a team of soldiers
but then again, “war is hell,”
and hell is here on Earth
and in the absence of sanity
or rational thinking,
there was a team of soldiers
who risked their life
just so this man could go home.
And he did go home.
But . . .
Lives were lost and risks were taken
and in the end,
a dying commander who led the team
to save this man
whispered in the ear of the young soldier,
who was spared from the hells of war
so that he may go home,
and before the commander
died from the gunshot wound
he spoke his final words to the soldier,
Earn this!
Maybe this meant to be a good person.
maybe this meant to pay it forward.
maybe this meant
“make your life ‘worth it!’ son,”
because men searched and died
for you . . .
Just so you could get home safe
to your family.
I think of these words:
Earn this!
Earn what has been given
and make up for what has been lost
or sacrificed and pay this forward
to keep the value of life
from dying like the unmarked souls
who perished on the battlefield.
Earn this!
I take this in with great detail
and deep thought, especially so
because somehow, I was spared
and survived my own battles,
which is not the same
as the battles of war.
But even still,
I was somewhat rescued
and in my experience,
some of my greatest saviors,
or some of my brightest heroes
and most meaningful people
in my life
died along the way.
Some lost to a different virus
and some to a social cancer of some kind,
which is not unlike
the social cancers they saved me from,
but either way, nonetheless,
somehow, willingly
and also sincerely
as well as wholeheartedly,
there are people who I have known
and spoken with
who chose to save me.
There are people who I sat with
and eaten with, or broke bread with.
I learned from them
and, with all of my heart,
I regard these times with my deepest honor.
However, regardless of their heroics
to save me, or regardless
of whether I was deserving
or worthwhile
or otherwise;
there are people who decided
to stand by me at my weakest hours
or my longest days and in my darkest moments
there were people who stood by me
and said,
Don’t worry. You are not alone.
Some chose this out of love,
some out of some kindness
and some out of brotherhood
or because of some internal sense of responsibility.
There are those who helped me,
despite the world’s view of them
or their record
or rap sheet
or the marks on their skin.
There some who risked the mental war zones
and concrete battlefields and, like me,
they had their own battles with inner-city mayhems
and chaos
and somehow, and for some reason,
they shared their unwanted scars
and invisible damages
just so I could understand.
I couldn’t understand why,
and if for no other reason,
perhaps they did this
so that someone could make it “out”
or get away from the depth of affliction
and somehow,
I am the one who remains
alive and well.
While I am careful of their names
or their anonymity; I am the one
here to hide the identities
to protect the less-than innocent
by calling them heroes, and openly admitting
that yes,
these are the people who saved my life.
They did this
regardless of their monstrous past
or their convictions
or their known-felon approach – and somehow,
with no reason that I can account for,
they chose to help
and save me.
Like, Armand D.
You saved me.
You knew
and I never understood how.
Maybe our introduction
was poor
yet, you chose to sit with me
and have a lifesaving talk
for hours
just with me.
But—
you went out
and died from the same death
that you saved me from.
But why?
I have to go back to those two words:
Earn this . . .
Or you, Mike the Rocket
I knew you
I knew the real you
You were there like a brother to me
when I lost my Father
and like a brother,
you held me as if I were your younger sibling,
lost to a bad cause
and struggling with the frayed edges
of my lost soul.
You stood by me
when I needed it yet, I
never had the chance
to stand up for you
or to stand by you
at the hour of your assisted death, needle down,
blue skin, and man,
I remember when I found out:
I wished I was there to stand for you
the same way that you
stood for me.
But, Mike . . .
I knew you
I knew the real you
or at least I can say that I knew
the best version of you
and somehow, you showed up for me
in enemy territory, and I lived . . .
because of you.
Earn this!
Which brings me up to now
and how fate reminds me that the ever-loving Mother
She is up there
and always watching
So, to you, “D”
All I can say is that I am unsure
why I am here
or how I’ve come this far
or why I am of value
or how we go back so long
like two crazy kids
from the same town
who understand the same toxic life
and still,
we’re both here to tell about it.
I don’t know why life connects people the way
they do
but I am grateful to you,
my old friend.
I don’t know why some make it
or not.
I only know that as long as I live
and breathe
you will never be alone.
Not on my watch
And to you . . .
Yes, you.
And you know who you are.
No one has ever inspired me like you.
No one has ever shown me how
to live, love, laugh
and learn
Like you . . .
“Earn this,” is what I have to do
because somehow,
I am here . . .
And you have always been in my heart
even long before we met
and long before I knew
what the face of love
truly looks like—
Somehow,
you have always been in my heart
the dream
the life
and the way
(that’s you)
Earn this.
This is what I want to do,
now more than ever
But, before I go
I have to answer the question:
Is there hope out there?
Or enough hope for both of us.
Somehow, I just know
the answer
is yes.
The Written Addiction 