The Book of Hope: Taking it Back to a Song

I think of the feeling that comes
when you realize that enough is enough
and finally, you find the courage it takes
to stand up and walk away.

I think about the brilliance and the resilience
and the victory that comes
when you finally decide to push yourself away
and without a word, or without a warning,
you can stand up and walk away
without wondering if anyone notices
or if you made the right choice.

You can walk on without looking back
or worrying
or thinking about what they’re saying
or if they’ll miss you
because when it comes to this,
and when you’ve reached this point,
I think about the freedom that follows
when you wake up in the morning
and you’re free,

I think about the opening up to the next day
and then
you realize
that you don’t have to play the same old games
or listen to the same old bullshit in your head
or hear the bullshit from the same old people.

I have had to make this jump before
to get away from people
who either held you in their little boxes,
just to keep you as they needed you,
which was selfish of course, and of course
I knew this all the time.

But at the same time,
there was something about this to which,
there was a synergy
or some kind of exhale so they can inhale,
and vice-versa,
and like a cycle of demand,
the truth is the co-dependent nature of the beast
or relationships like this
are both symbiotic and mutually binding,
or otherwise, like the common trauma bonds,
which we see all too clearly; yet,
we never step away
because this is the life we’ve known for way too long.
So, hence, this is the life we became accustomed to,
which means our version of normal or everyday
was this—inhale, and then exhale,
breathe in and out, and somehow,
life like this becomes a normal, everyday pattern
that can be seen as “just a way of life,”
but in the end, my question is this:
What if we want more?
And I know I’m not the only one.

What if there’s more to the world
than a bond without the justice of passion
or having a basic zest for life — and essentially,
what kind of life is just existing,
but wishing you were really living,
and in the end, aside from this being the common barrier,
what has to happen for us to wake up one day
and choose the life we’ve always wanted?

I think about the feeling of my youth
when I was brave enough to be defiant
and young enough, or maybe even stupid enough
to rebel and to rise up
and respond to an unwanted authority.

I think about love. I think about the adrenaline of say,
a song that comes on the radio,
almost randomly,
and I think of how
the lyrics from my youth remind me of a feeling,
visceral, and deep within my soul,
which trigger out of nowhere,
all because I heard the song
from a band called Modern English who sang,
“I’ll stop the world and melt with you!”

This is a great song to start a road trip . . .

It is more evident to me now
than when I was young
that youth is no longer on my side.
However, the feeling of youth or the need
and desire to be wild or feel so deeply
or become so crazy that I can run as fast as I can
and charge down the streets,
like some young teenage madman,
in love and carefree, even if it’s careless to be this way
as in, rebellious to the masses,
and uncaring of the consequences
or not to care about what anyone says
or what comes next.

Hope . . .
I’m not sure if I was hopeful back then, but maybe,
or perhaps hope
had nothing to do with the drive in my heart
or the hunger in my belly.
Maybe youth had nothing to do
with the way I feel now, which is not youthful at all;
but instead, I have come to an agreement
and an understanding.

I want my drive back. I want my spirit back.
I want all of my wishes that I wasted or squandered
and I want them back
as in, right now!

I want to dare the night and break the dawn
and dance and laugh and sweat
and pour myself back into bed
after a night of wild and crazy ideas,
which took place—just like they did when we were young
and if, or however possible, I want to end this
with a sexual uprising, as if to say goodnight at dawn
and make love during the sunrise
and perhaps
sleep in for a while
or not.

I think that it is essential to lose our minds.
I think I am not the only one to write this either
and more, I am sure that others who have aged
or who miss the thrill or the rush
or the daring nature that takes place
when being ‘bad”
becomes the best feeling in the world,
I think that the same as it is essential to lose our minds,
it is both essential and literally crucial
that we lose ourselves to a love
and lust
and to wake up
next to the only one in the world
who makes us feel alive.

I don’t care anymore.
How about that?
How about the fact
that whether I am hopeful or hopeless,
I don’t care what happens anymore
because win or lose,
hit or miss,
and whether I see this once more on the shores
in Miami,
I am going to move aggressively now,
and like a hungry panther,
I am projecting my future
or perhaps I can call this my proposal
(to go crazy with me).

I am going to take what’s mine.
I’m not going to give in to excuses
or rationalize my stillness
with bullshit fears that have done nothing else
but hold me back or keep me still,
or more to the point, I am not willing
to give in to the old features in my mind
that have done nothing for me,
except leave me loveless or angry
or alone, and kept me stagnant,
or to be more namely,
I refuse to give in
to the thoughts or the feelings
or the ideas that would otherwise
leave me lifeless.

I’m not afraid anymore.
I’m not a kid anymore either,
which is not to say
that I want to be a kid again
or that I want to act like a kid again.
No.
What I want is simple.
I want to be who I am now, except,
I want to add all the spices of my youth
and use all the fantasies and my desires
from my younger days, and then,
I want to make them so . . .
. . . I mean, at least I can afford to pay the bill now,
at least,part of it.

I will never give up again.
Alone. Or not.
I will always stay true to my heart
because I saw what happened
when I was false
or fake
or trying to pretend
and figure out
what comes next.

I will never do that to myself again –
or to you.
even if you choose something
or someone else
I will never abandon my post
or who I am
ever again.

I think about the feeling
that happens when making that decision
to go or to make the jump
and quit the bullshit
or to rip off the band aid, as they say,
and make life happen.

It’s a good thing to stand up
and walk away
from where you don’t belong.

It’s okay not to look back.
Besides, looking back only feeds the old self.
My old self is gone now.
I have new things to feed
and new ideas and new fantasies to work out,
just to “do it”
or just to say “we did it,”
even if we only did it once.

But, yes.
It’s true.
I’ll stop the world and melt with you.
And last, since we’re taking it back to music,
or since we are bringing this back
to the songs from our youth,
then here’s one that fits the mood.

There’s a special lyric,
which I have to use for this entry
because the lyric
defined something from my younger adulthood.
This one comes from Paula Cole –

“I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over”

I get that . . .

“So open up your morning light
and say a little prayer for I
You know that if we are to stay alive
Then see the love in every eye.”

I don’t want to wait for anything anymore.
I just want my real life
to begin.

(any minute now)