I have to say . . .
I agree with something that I just read.
And I have read things like this
in different forms or formats, but ah,
the truth is the truth,
regardless of whether we like it, or agree;
either way, life is life, truth is truth,
the sky is always going to be the sky
and the earth will always be the earth.
Everything changes
but this remains the same.
I was reading somewhere about a viral quote,
which I am not certain of its author,
but, I have read even
the supposed author is Nietzsche.
However, there are arguments to whether
this was really his quote or not—so,
to rid myself of the re-write
or the possible misquote,
I will address this topic as it was taught to me,
a long, long time ago,
in a lifetime that already seems to be
far, far away.
People will deny the truth
or prefer to live in their denial
so they can protect their little world
or their precious and fragile ego
or they’ll do this
to protect the illusion
that their little world is good,
or “not wrong,”
or that they, themselves, are not a failure.
See?
We associate dreams with success
and therefore,
if we shoot or miss
or if people fail themselves
or fail to try
and fail to get the life they want,
they will assume that they are a failure too,
which is not the case.
This is also why we plan a world in our mind
to justify what we have
or why we never took the steps
to do what it takes
to live the way we want to.
And yes,
I am guilty of this too.
People will keep their lies alive and well,
and they’ll do this
to revive their illusions of a life they truly want,
but, since their wants and needs
are not being met, or since our fears can become
insurmountable, at times
people will come up with rationalizations
and justifications and, of course,
we all look for the perfect explanation
or ways to excuse what we do
because we never got what we wanted
and we never took the chance.
I admit to this.
Humbly and with my head bent down
as if to be in a position of apology
and submission;
I expose my past
because the last thing I’ll ever want
is for my regrets to become my future
again.
I am here too.
Do you understand?
I have visions and dreams
and an imagination and fantasies
and hopes of long weekends
that seem uninterrupted
and love-filled days
that can never be stolen
or broken
or taken away.
I have desires and fantasies,
which are both intimate and personal,
loving as always, but also
my thoughts and visions are enough
that my love and my life and my vision of hope
are too bright and too brilliant
to be salvaged or sold
for a lesser value.
I will never settle
ever again!
I toss this up to the universal Gods
with full understanding that regardless
of what is and is not in my control,
I understand now
that my refusal to give way is the only thing
I can control.
I have pictures in my heart
that I want to create,
so that I can make them real
and feel them with my fingertip,
no differently than say,
they way I lay beside you
and feel my fingertips
as they stroke through “her” hair.
I have simple challenges, to which I understand
that I am not alone.
I have demons
which haunt me
and a past who likes to revisit me.
I have personal, physical,
and emotional insecurities.
I have doubts and worries,
in both myself and the survival
of my dreams.
I have a mind that refuses to let go of
the past distractions of old pains
or mistakes or worse, I have old memories
that date back to as long as I can remember,
which exposed my vulnerabilities
as well as exposed me,
or left me humiliated and foolish.
And let’s be honest here.
No one wants to be revealed
or uncovered or to be so undressed
and figuratively and emotionally speaking
no one wants to be naked to the point
where all of their flaws
or their fears and imperfections
are brought to light
and “spotlighted”
for all to see.
No one wants to be the fool
or to be laughed at like the fool
or to be exposed before their disposal,
or disregarded, before they are tossed away
like some rejected piece of trash.
No one wants to be refused, unwanted
and undesirable, which is why our minds
try to disguise the interpersonal abuse
or mask the pains or hide the violations
and, perhaps this is why
we try to rationalize our behavior and our thoughts,
so now, we can say something after the fall
like, something equivalent to,
“I meant to do that,” when meanwhile, no. . .
we really didn’t.
I have left myself here for you,
without any sort of cover
and without any disguise.
I have done this before,
which is why I am here to do this again.
I have lived with blinders on.
I have made excuses for myself
as well as excuses for the impositions
and the insults or the intrusions
that came from within
as well as externally from others.
I have tried to shade my eyes
to keep my hopes
that my vision for my future
will not be threatened or destroyed.
Is this hope?
Is this faith?
Or is this the fact
that I want something or someone
so much and so badly
that my fear of not having this
will somehow mean that yes, I am failure.
Does this make me
undesirable and flawed or imperfect
and unwanted?
The answer is “no.”
This is not true.
I have trouble opening my eyes (at times)
because there are times
when I don’t like what I see
because the truth hurts.
I get that.
I have days when it is hard to focus.
And there are moments when I believe
that I am defeated and there are times
when I am beaten.
I have absolutely no strength; as in “zero!”
and this is where hope comes in
and shows up in its truest form.
This is where my hope needs to be honest
and not disloyal to the truth.
I can hope.
I have that right.
I can reach for what I want
and refuse to settle
or take anything less-than or secondary.
To be honest, this is why I am still here.
This is why I began this journal in the first place.
I refuse to accept anything less-than
or anything that is not equal to (if not more)
than my dream and my vision; however,
I am learning that hope is not a rigid thing.
I am learning that hope allows
for changes to take place
because hope allows me to realize
that something better is about to break,
and rather than settle
for what my vision used to be,
I have to allow myself the right
and accept that my vision
is like any other piece of art,
or work in progress.
Hope is hope and life is life.
Both change and at the same time,
neither of them change or alter
because hope is hope and life is life and so,
if this is true, then my life will evolve
and change
and my hope will have to adapt
because before my curtains close;
I have promised myself
that I will never accept
anything less than this:
The love of my life
will always be the love of my life.
I am and will always be
the square root of my own equation.
Hence,
when the world changes,
then I have to adapt and gain position.
I have to keep my posture
and protect my interests, and my heart,
because there is nothing more wasted
or internally hurtful
than a traded life
or a settlement that is less
than what we bargained for,
or less than we deserve.
Do I deserve the love of my life?
I hope so.
Do I deserve to be happy
and to have the life I want?
My answer to this
is yes.
The rest is just work:
to bring the pieces together
to maintain the hope
which is the glue,
that makes it all stick,
and to understand the uphill battles
and the downfalls are not failures
or that even the losses I face
are all part of what it takes to win
and make things so.
I love you.
The Written Addiction 