I’m starting to wonder about something.
And to be closer to the point,
or more specifically,
I am starting to wonder if my level of hope
has anything to do with the level
or the relationship I have
with my self-esteem.
I say this because
I think that there’s a change in need
when it comes to my belief system
or should I say
there has to be a change made
when it comes
to the belief in myself.
If I believe in my hope,
or if I believe that I deserve more,
does this mean that I will adapt
or react differently or at least accordingly.
Hence, if I improve my belief system
does this mean I will have a greater power
to resist doubt and manifest
a better circle of truth?
I ask this because
I realize that I cannot blame anyone else
for my choices. I certainly cannot
blame anyone else for my mistakes and, yes,
it’s true.
I am only human and often imperfect
which means that my capability
for making mistakes can be lengthy,
at best, and ongoing
to say the least.
I have no one to blame for
my moments of unrest
or my bouts of loneliness.
I have no one to blame
for my challenges with hopeless moments
or hopeless reactions
which I chose to make
instead of choosing rationally,
like some knee-jerk
or seemingly involuntary act
in response to a pain
or fear
or an otherwise discomfort.
Do you want to know one of my biggest fears?
It’s that I am ugly
or unsightly
or undesirable, unwanted
and unlikable and unsuitable for life
or for anyone else and thus,
my biggest fear is that I am unworthy
or unfitting of this earth
and that I will always be nothing other
than this: Rejected.
I know about rejection –
I know what it’s like to not be picked
or chosen.
Either way,
I cannot blame anyone else for my life
or my choices.
No, the buck stops here,
or so they say.
It is a new morning but then again,
every morning is new, which means
that every morning
can be a vision of hope—even the rainy ones
which, in fairness,
I tend to enjoy the rainy mornings
as much as the sunny ones.
But of course, I enjoy them both
for different reasons.
Either rain or sun allows me to reflect
from a different angle.
So, I enjoy them differently.
And yes . . .
Mornings have always been my time to come here,
only now I come here for a different reason
and in search of different inspirations.
I have to break down the old walls
that barricaded me from the world
which I was in fear of
and then
I have to let down my guard
so I can view the next chapter of my life
with peace in mind.
The fight can be over now.
Any further damages
are no longer necessary.
But ah, the sun
It is moving closer to a time of year
when I am unsure of myself, and yes,
I admit it – – –
my physical insecurities
tend to get in the way of my thinking.
Hence, this is why I wonder
if the ability of my hope is interconnected
to my level of self-esteem,
or my ability to see my own worth
or beauty.
I can say that I have seen plenty of ugliness.
And I’ve heard enough ugly things about me
and whether these things are true
or only subjective thoughts
which come from someone at odds with me,
or these are comments
that are due to an argument,
I acknowledge that words have the ability
to cut deeper than any blade,
and let’s face it – – –
this is why we use them.
Isn’t it?
But getting back to the ability of a word
especially when this is an invested word,
the worst part of an insult is not the insult itself
but it’s the damage it leaves behind
and the ongoing aftermath
which refuses to let us heal.
I have found that my thinking
can either allow me to overcome this
or sink to my doubts
and as for the insults,
I can either disregard them,
or I can collect them
and add them as another group
of common casualties
and hold on to the lies
and allow them to manifest
as another untruthful burden.
The truth is . . .
Not everyone is going to think
I’m worth it,
or a valuable catch.
Another truth is, I might have flaws
and I might be irrational, or worse,
I might lose my mind sometimes,
or go crazy, but inside of me,
I know there is something perfect.
I know that there is something
wholesome and true which
is my love, ongoing, undying,
and wholesome to the point
where at last, and despite my flaws
or years of mass-assumptions
that pulled me in unfortunate directions;
alas, I realize that I will not and cannot settle
ever again.
I realize that should I try to climb
from whichever dark place I find myself,
then first, I will need the spark of hope
to light my way
and allow myself the strength to climb out,
and second, I will need the ability of faith
to believe this is possible,
even if I cannot see the possibility
or understand the reason to believe in anything,
and lastly, I will need to realize
that if my self-esteem is in need of a boost,
then I will have to create better list of estimable actions
to help me realize that despite opinions,
albeit internal or external,
I have done what I could
to improve my surrounding, and that
in and of itself
is a great achievement.
I have done what I could
but I could do more
and I will.
I have put myself through the ringer.
I have tried to overcome and, in some cases,
I’ve succeeded and in other cases,
I have failed to try enough
or reach the secrets of my endurance
and keep trying until I improve
or get to the next best chapter.
But –
Life is life, always changing
and always surprising us with some new
or unexpected alteration.
And I have to say that I really thought
my life would look different from what it looks like today,
but it doesn’t . . . and at the same time,
if my life looked any different,
then it wouldn’t be my life, and hence,
if my life were any different;
perhaps, I wouldn’t know how to appreciate
what it will feel like
when my biggest dreams
finally come true.
Will they come true?
One can only hope.
But I acknowledge
my dreams will change
as my options will change
as well.
I saw a bumble bee this morning,
it was circling a flower . . .
Man, sometimes,
it’s a simple little thing that comes to pass
and reminds me
not to worry,
someone is up there,
watching me . . .
The Written Addiction 