1)
This is not just about hope.
This is about belief
But more
This is about those who push us
or support us
and this about the difference between
those who lead us to believe
and those who lead us to doubt.
I used to hope for a chance
or a shot
or I’d look for an open window
or some kind of opportunity
but then again, I used to believe
that no one would ever
take a chance on me
or that no one would ever give me a shot
which was worthwhile.
Then again, this was long ago;
however, the remnants of my old belief system
can tend to linger
if I allow them too.
I never thought that anyone
would give me a shot.
I used to believe this with all of my heart
and, if I did get a chance,
somehow, the odds were against me.
I used to believe that no one
would ever believe in me,
and how could they?
How could anyone believe in me
especially when I failed to believe in myself?
Therefore, I saw my belief system as a cyclical,
or matter of fact journey that this was me
and this was who I was,
or who I am, and so
to expect the greatest was a dare at best, and more
to expect the greatest was unrealistic.
I never thought that I could stand in front of the crowd
or be spectacular, or at best,
I always thought that I could aspire to reach the middle
and if climbed this high, then I should be grateful.
I never assumed that I could be “good”
or great . . .
and if someone gave me a shot,
or if I chose to take the stage,
well?
The odds were against me.
The chance of someone
allowing me an opportunity
or a moment of greatness
was either temporary to me
or the fortune of some good will
was based on some fake
or some impostor-related syndrome
or this relied upon a promise that I sold
to which, deep down,
I never believed that I could pull this off.
Or so I thought . . .
I can say that I have been blessed.
I can say that I have done good things
and great things too.
I can say that I have overcome
and surpassed my doubts
or the so-called limitations
and that I am fortunate enough
to say that yes,
there were times when I was good enough
to negotiate some obstacles
and turn them into opportunities.
I can say that I have seen people
who told me I’d be lucky to live
as long as 19 . . .
. . . and I have seen people who
based their predictions
upon the wreckages from my past
and I have seen people from my youth
or people who knew me during troubled times
and there are people who remembered me
and I’d see them somewhere,
or somewhat randomly
but also timely
and they would say hello, or tell me, “you look good,”
and this would be a typical thing
like, say, a simple hello which would be the same
as anyone would say hello
to an old friend from the neighborhood.
And out of nowhere,
or during a much needed “pick-me-up,”
someone would tell me . .
I always knew
that you were gonna turn out
to be something . . .
Me?
I thought I’d turn out to be something too;
only my assumptions were hijacked
by my thoughts
and my thoughts were limited by my beliefs
and therefore, my beliefs limited my reach
or should I say,
my successes or achievements were shortened
or they could have been entirely different
if I learned to remove the ceiling
or . . .
otherwise known as
my limitations.
I bring up the value of the term,
imposter syndrome,
as if to think that somehow, or someday,
it will only be a minute before
someone pulls the curtain
and then, they’ll realize that either
“I can’t do it” or that I’m not good enough
or that I was never capable to begin with
and that beneath the light of true discovery-
I will be exposed and weak,
or vulnerable, and discarded
like something unwanted . . .
By the way –
It is said that 70% of people suffer
from some kind of imposter syndrome.
And me, I say the other 30% are full of shit
because doubt is normal
and so are insecurities…however,
what we do or how we respond
or how we train our belief system
to act accordingly and to rise above
or to endure and continue
is essential to the benefits of our mental health.
I can say that I am not always mentally healthy.
And that’s just true.
This isn’t self-deprecating
or putting myself down.
No, this is called honesty.
But I can also say that I am improving –
It does help though, and I mean
here’s something that helps
my world go ‘round.
And that’s to have someone
who believes in me.
My list of this is short
and it has grown shorter,
which is not to say that no one believes in me –
however, the list of those
who either impose or impact my position
or those who degrade and promote
or push me to do, or to grow,
or to rise above
is now limited
to people who are both significant
and pertinent to my life.
The rest are simply arbitrary
or names on a list
that have been stricken from the record
or at this point—I realize who and who does not
have value
or my best interests at heart.
There are no more fair weathered friends
in my life
or those who say nice things,
until the arguments come,
and then they go to the low-blow insults
to which they know how to punish me –
so they’ll call me a name, like a loser,
or they’ll say something about my limitations,
which only they knew something about –
or maybe they’ll pick on a secret
which I never dared to tell anyone
or a flaw that no one else knows,
and then they’ll threaten the safety
of my emotional content,
simply because
“they’re” angry,
and winning an argument
is more important than honoring
someone’s feelings.
I have removed myself from this
or the push-pull mentalities
that hurt me with back and forth
digs that stab me between the ribs
and essentially—the wounds of their words
are pointed and sharp
and equally pierce my heart.
No . . .
The truth is those who love
or truly care
will never take low-blow shots – hence,
I have changed and limited those in my life
to those who are significant and with this…
I honor them
and to them, or more personally;
I have to say . . .
I don’t know where I would be without you.
And it was years ago,
just yesterday, nine to be accurate
when Mom passed
on the very same day, and safe to say
no one has ever believed in me
like she believed in me.
2)
I don’t know if you realize this
but yesterday was the last day
that I saw you – at least, alive
and in the flesh.
It’s been years now.
So much has happened and sometimes,
it seems like I wouldn’t know where to start
if I had to explain where I’ve been or where I am now.
I only know that this is where I’m at.
Right here, alive and in the flesh
I wonder sometimes . . .
What do you see?
What do you think?
Are you proud?
Do you laugh?
Do you say things and I don’t hear them?
Or, is it more accurate to say
that you say things I don’t see them?
Maybe that’s it . . .
It’s amazing though
how time can stand still
yet, time moves so fast,
quicker than the hands around the clock,
as if nine years have gone by
and it was only yesterday
that you were here,
still alive and in the flesh.
I wonder sometimes . . .
What would you say?
Would you tell me what to do?
Or, would you say, Don’t worry, son.
I know who you are
and I know what you can do . . .
You can be a hero, if you want to.
I don’t know if you realize this,
but nine years have gone by
since the last time we saw each other,
alive and in the flesh.
That’s a long time yet,
at the same time,
this is only a blip on the screen.
Nine years are gone and at the same time,
time means nothing to you
because that which is of flesh is of flesh
and that which is of spirit is of spirit;
and therefore, the flesh considers time
while spirit is timeless, or limitless
which means there is no waiting,
there are no seconds or minutes,
hours, or days –
there is only the continuum between spirit and flesh.
However –
I am of the flesh.
This means I can only see what I see.
I can only understand what I understand
and, as for the concepts of God
or my different perceptions of a so-called afterlife;
I don’t know what comes next
or what this means or looks like.
This is only something the spirit can understand.
And me, I am not of the spirit,
which is where you are now,
far away yet close and so distant,
but I know that you are only as far away
as a memory or a sign, like say,
the sight of a butterfly in place
right in the middle of New York City
I don’t know where you are now, Mom.
I don’t know where you live.
I only know that where you are now,
the phones don’t reach
and the mailman can’t deliver.
But that’s okay . . .
I’ll send this out to you now
with hopes that my message
will find you
(wherever you are)
I don’t know if you realize this,
but the world is simply not the same anymore.
It’s amazing though,
how we sleep and then wake up
as if not a second went by,
which, on the day when I lay myself down,
perhaps this will be as if I wake up
and just like that, not a second will have passed,
not a minute gone by,
not an hour, and not a day
and once more, we will all be together
on the other side, sat at a table like we did
back when the family was still full – remember?
There were no empty seats
and no missing places at the table.
And if you ask me,
this is how I believe Heaven should be.
All of us, together.
Sleep well, Mom
Your son
B—
3)
I want to believe and I want to dream.
I want to have hope,
and I want to find my place
which is where I belong.
I want to be away from those who limit me
or those who use me
the same as they use others, or everyone else
and when I find my way,
I want to be surrounded
by those significant few
who were there for me
and never dared to step aside
because true love is true love
and real friendship is real friendship
and of course,
fair-weathered friends
are only fair-weathered friends.
It’s time to seek and find and grow.
I might not have you around these days
Mom,
but, I know that you are with me,
and I know that I am not alone,
at least not truly.
So come around, Mom.
Send me a sign.
(Please)
I promise to pay attention.
I love you.
The Written Addiction 