And once again
I find myself at another moment
where change is necessary.
Once again, I have come to the end
of another chapter,
or maybe this is the end of another journal
and while I understand
that when one door closes,
another door opens, I am trying to find out
which way to go or what to do,
or next is a common question,
which is where I often find myself
when a change occurs, or when something happens,
or even when I wake up to a new realization,
I find myself facing a common and reoccurring question,
which is this,
“What now?
I have stood in front of classrooms
and in front of large assemblies
or congregations
and I have spoken about the way our mind works
or what happens when we have bouts with depression.
I have talked about the aspects of “life on life’s terms”,
which is a saying that I learned about, long ago,
in a rehab that is far, far away
from me now.
I have openly discussed the different revelations
that took place in my life; and there were moments
or eye-opening events which took place
and left a mark, or a scar on my heart,
or, in the fallout of emotional warfare or heartbreak,
or even in the aftermath of different moments of awareness,
I suppose it is safe to say
that we all find ourselves facing the common question:
What now?
What do I do now that my life is different?
What do I do now that my circle of influence
has changed and the people who I depended on
or the people who I spoke with
are not in my life anymore,
or in the case of breakups, divorce,
or even as it occurs to me in the form of living deaths,
which are not unlike literal deaths,
or real deaths, but more—this is when people split
or no longer have the same ties to one another
and although the piece that held them together is dead,
the person is still alive and well;
only, the relationship is gone now,
and this is like a death
with a constant reminder
that comes from all around us.
But again, the question comes:
What now?
What do I do now that my life
is not what I thought it was going to be?
What about my dreams?
What about the life I hoped for?
What do I do now that the picture I had for myself
is no longer matching, and now that I understand
that life is going to be different,
what now?
What do I do?
What happens now that the circle of comforts
are no longer comfortable to me,
or available?
What happens now that I no longer
have the same routine
or see or speak with the same people?
What happens to me now?
How do I face this?
How do I accept this?
How do I process and handle and improve,
and really, this is the question with equal importance
but first,
What now?
Well, sometimes the answer is simple.
Sometimes the answer takes time
and sometimes, the answer is simply this:
I don’t know.
I am rounding the corner to a new project
which means this journal will be ending soon.
This means I will go back to another style of writing
and more to the point,
this means I’ll start answering the question.
What now?
I don’t always know the answer to what will come
or who will go.
I understand that one door closes,
and another door opens. To be clear,
I do understand that transitional phases
can simply be a phase, but oftentimes,
transitional periods can be weighty and tough
and painful;
but in all cases, and when it comes to learning
how to live or how to answer the question, “What now?”
the transitions we face
are the way we learn to answer this question.
And as for the answer,
all comes in due time.
I have been told that it pays to
“give time the time it needs.”
I’ve been told it has to hurt if it’s to heal.
I have been told to live life, “one day at a time,”
and to “keep it in the now,” as if to say,
“stop projecting and stop assuming,”
and to the simplest degree,
start by putting one foot in front of the other
and take life as it comes, step by step,
and by any means;
do not allow yourself to lose focus
on what’s important to you.
I am closing in on my 52nd trip around the sun,
which means I am closing in on my 52nd birthday.
I am far from young and although my body
does not always agree with the climate around me,
I am not old—at least not yet.
However, I have faced several
“what now?” moments throughout the course of my life.
I have lived through losses
and deaths, and breakups,
and heartbreaks.
I have lost friends and jobs and opportunities.
I have lost time and energy
and all in the faith of answering one simple question:
What now?
I am at an impasse in my personal life.
Much of my life has changed. I live in a small place
and my life has shrunk from its larger or previous way,
and now, in the wake of a year of constant change
and obvious growth, I find myself at the verge
of another change
and I am here to face a new and a different beginning.
I am in new and uncharted territory.
And to be honest, am I afraid?
Absolutely.
Do I know what I’m doing?
In fairness, the answer is sometimes yes, and sometimes, no.
And sometimes, I understand that it’s okay
if I don’t have an answer.
But no matter what,
I have to wake up in the morning.
I have to put my feet on the ground, stand up,
wash my face, brush my teeth,
and I have to make my way outside
and navigate to the best of my ability
because although dreams change and so will people,
and despite the changes of relationships or love,
I am still me and I still have the responsibility
to live my life to the fullest,
each and every day,
one day at a time.
Nothing alleviates me from this responsibility
and no amount of pretending can change the fact
that yes, “shit happens” and questions like,
“What now,” are bound to come up . . .
But this is life.
And nothing changes this fact
no matter how much we wish for something or hope,
life on life’s terms is always going to happen.
All a person can do is stand up
and face the changes, take it in stride,
and keep going.
At least, I can say this is so from my perspective
because otherwise, I’d just stand by
and watch the world unfold,
and ask myself a thousand “what now?” questions
and do absolutely nothing about them.
It’s funny though, this thing about indecision;
you can hold off or hide from the truths
and one can stall or procrastinate
as long as they choose, but in the end,
the decisions that they paused upon
can be made for them, and often,
the outcomes are now out of their hands,
or out of their control,
and sadly the aftermath can be lonely,
or painful.
I’ve had enough pain for one journal (or more)
So, in answer to the question, “What now?”
My answer is this: I don’t know. . .
I guess, I’ll just have to wait and see.
one day at a time.
Right?
The Written Addiction 